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Supporting depressed DP during house move

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timkerbellx Sun 25-Oct-20 11:15:40

Dp and I have been together almost 4 years .To keep the background brief as possible I was married 25 years and have 4 dc . 2 independent and 2 at home (17 yo daughter and 10 yo dd). He has no dc so this was always going to a bigger change for him than me .
We lived a long way apart so commuting was getting tiresome especially when covid hit as for various practical reasons I had to move in with him to be able to work (nhs) and the pressure was hard for both as this meant a 4 hour commute daily for me while working 50+ hours a week .
In that time I've also sold my house .
His house we then decided to rent out ( my equity going into his house so jointly owned ) and we've rented a beautiful house equidistant to our work and family commitments with a view to buy in a couple of years .
It's a time to hopefully regain some time together and relax a little .
He has been hesitant throughout the moving in together period. I would not moved in together if the hesitation was to do with anxieties over us as a couple but he has always insisted he loves me and that his reason is that he's really scared his depression will eventually impact on us and he doesn't want that to happen. Also he is used to his own space when his depression hits and when this happens he checks out for a few days and sleeps . He is scared he won't be able to do that here or I guess worried he may be judged .
We have made sure he has space and a lock on the door but I appreciate it's not the same as having an entire house to yourself for the weekend .
Apart from leaving the house for a few days with my dc (which I am not doing regularly ) any tips on how I can support him though this anxiety and depression which has hit during the moving .
We are having some joint counselling to better understand each other .
We have a good relationship and the communication is good . We have been through a bad year like many this year and on top of house move and commute have lost his father and both my grown up children ( also nhs) had covid which was horrible .
His depression seems to flare when any change is happening and he just can't face it . He has to have routine and a lot of sleep .
I love him enough and really want this to work without letting it drain me which it does sometimes .
He is supportive of me looking after my own mental health and I'm doing so but is there anything else I can do to help him and try not to take it too personally when I feel like I may as well not be here because he just shuts down ?
Sorry it's so long and thanks for reading .

OP’s posts: |
Takethewinefromtheswine Sun 25-Oct-20 11:21:16

I know it's not the question, but is your equity in his house protected in any way??
I have no answers to your other questions I'm afraid. My brother's mental health is so so debilitating that I could not live with someone whose mental health seems quite precarious, as with your partner. I hope it works out for you and your children, but do ensure your safety net is tight.

timkerbellx Sun 25-Oct-20 11:23:25

Aw thank you for your reply .
Yes he has more equity in the house than me but has insisted it's jointly owned . My contribution wasn't far off half so it's well protected . He does always put us first .

OP’s posts: |

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