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I am not ok

(73 Posts)
GazingAndGrazing Wed 30-Sep-20 22:29:45

Everything is falling apart. I think I am on the brink of a mental breakdown and it scares me so much.

I have my end it all plan. I won’t do it, I really won’t because it would be selfish and I know I am loved at home. It just feels comforting that I have a plan in case I need it.

I’ve taken meds for years, talk to my gp, on a waiting list for therapy and asked for occ health at work.

No one knows how I really feel. On the outside I have everything and appear to be doing well although it’s crumbling and I can feel it coming. Work are on to me and I’ve had to admit a tiny, tiny bit of vulnerability.

I can’t be too honest, no way am I going back to a secure unit, that would be the final push too far, I wouldn’t be able to come back.

I’m so exhausted even just writing this down, I don’t know why I’m even do this - maybe in the hope that someone understands how exhausting fighting it all every day and night and has made it through without losing everything, I have a lot to lose.

I don’t want to appear rude, I’m going to switch off once posted and look back in the morning only purely because that voice you hear in your head is saying “no one will reply, why would they” I can also hear my phoning ringing in my mind and it annoys me because it’s not even switched on it’s just tormenting me and it wins every time.

Please don’t ask me to call the Samaritans I’m far too past that stage, ha I’m even posting on an anonymous forum in the hope of dulling the noises (I won’t say voices) I’m functioning to a minimum because I can’t do anything else until it gets to much and I can feel it coming just like it did before but I now have so much more to lose

OP’s posts: |
AWaspOnAWindowReturns Wed 30-Sep-20 22:42:03

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I was in a similar place a few weeks ago and now I'm hoping to give you some comfort by reminding you it's not permanent. You don't need that end-it-all plan, because this will pass. I really do hope you have some real-life support while you wait for therapy and occupational health but please keep talking on here too.💐

NameAChange Wed 30-Sep-20 23:03:00

Hi op, I've had that absolute struggle to get through, minute by minute battle, two weeks ago. I hope you can take a step back from work and get some help. Well done for reaching out. One of the small things I find helps is to say to myself 'what would you say to a friend going through this' and say some of the phrases to myself. flowers

Eckhart Wed 30-Sep-20 23:06:31

You're brave to post this. Try not to worry about the future - not even 10 minutes ahead. Just do now; right now. Nothing else matters, and there's no pressure on you. Always, just do now.

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 30-Sep-20 23:06:36

I know therapy is an expense, but lots do sliding scale payment. Could you go private?

I think you should keep writing. There’s something compelling and creative about how you’re telling your truth.

Stick around. Things change.

Anordinarymum Wed 30-Sep-20 23:07:17

If it helps you a little OP, I felt like you do when my son died. It was as if there was nothing...... just nothing, and I felt lost, and sad and alone.

It was the loneliness that magnified my misery, but you have reached out tonight so you are not alone and tomorrow when you get up and read this thread, please know that someone else is thinking about you - a stranger who perhaps understands a little of your situation.

Bless you x x

MrsKHB Wed 30-Sep-20 23:38:00

I feel your pain OP. I somehow managed to claw my way back to some kind of normality, although I don’t know how. No one ‘cure’ but lots of different things, therapy, meds, time, acceptance...I’m not the same person that I was, I don’t think I’ll get the old me back, but I’m still here and I’ve adjusted to a different way of living.

Try not to think to far ahead, just be in the moment. Remind yourself this will pass, it will improve, you will come through this.

Be kind to yourself. Tell someone close to you how you feel. Accept help. X

GazingAndGrazing Thu 01-Oct-20 13:07:36

Thank you all so much. I’m reading and taking it all in and I’ve had a long talk with my manager today who is happy to support some time off, occ health and anything else they can do to help. He said he recognises this new behaviour as not my usual way of working and agrees some time away will be the best approach.

I feel exhausted and functioning at a very basic level, I still need a shower and I haven’t eaten anything again today. Just trying to speak to my go today as well

OP’s posts: |
Eckhart Thu 01-Oct-20 17:19:48

That's really good that you have an understanding boss, so you can just focus on you.

Did you manage to speak to the doc?

You say you haven't eaten - is there anything that you could eat? And are you drinking enough?

When I had depression I called it 'emotional exhaustion'. It was utter exhaustion, and an inability to give the slightest toss about anything at all. I felt like I was watching the world on a TV screen, totally detached. My GP told me it was completely normal, and we could sort it out. I felt much less alone after that.

OP, you're not alone. If you're exhausted, rest. You're allowed. Don't judge yourself.

Londonmummy66 Thu 01-Oct-20 17:51:22

Didn't want to read and run. I know what you mean by basic level function - it is a total emotional wipeout. See if you can curl up under a blanket and sleep or failing that just put something mind numbing on the TV and rest. It seems overwhelming sometimes but it will pass.

GazingAndGrazing Thu 01-Oct-20 21:47:49

Eckhart

That's really good that you have an understanding boss, so you can just focus on you.

Did you manage to speak to the doc?

You say you haven't eaten - is there anything that you could eat? And are you drinking enough?

When I had depression I called it 'emotional exhaustion'. It was utter exhaustion, and an inability to give the slightest toss about anything at all. I felt like I was watching the world on a TV screen, totally detached. My GP told me it was completely normal, and we could sort it out. I felt much less alone after that.

OP, you're not alone. If you're exhausted, rest. You're allowed. Don't judge yourself.

You sum it up so nicely. I’m just here doing what may be needed without giving a toss about anything and I am just so very exhausted with being here.

I s-ole to a lovely gp who managed to fit me in at 7pm and signed me off for 2 weeks to start with.

It may sound daft but I’ve written down a schedule/routine wake up time, shower, walk, rest. I like cooking so I’m going to do more of that.

I need to find things to enjoy again. I have such a lucky life which I’m grateful for I just wish my mental health agreed with me.

I used to enjoy walking dog walks, pub lunches and wandering around markets it’s all gone and replaced with social anxiety it’s horrible

Thank you for being here

OP’s posts: |
Wolfiefan Thu 01-Oct-20 21:50:57

That doesn’t sound daft at all. It sounds a lot like something I was told to do when undergoing CBT/therapy for my depression.
I was told to timetable what had to be done, routine tasks and something just for me. It could be listen to music or go out for a walk. Nothing big. Nothing too scary.
I hope you’re enjoying dog walks soon OP. flowers

GazingAndGrazing Thu 01-Oct-20 22:10:04

wolfiefan we have spoken before, we are both dog lovers although yours are a lot bigger than mine?

At first, my pup was truly the only reason I was pulling my arse out of bed every day but sadly now even the pups give me anxiety along with driving, shopping, I’ve honestly shut down to everything.

That’s why I thought writing a schedule would help so glad to hear I’m not as daft as I sound.

Thank you for being here

OP’s posts: |
Wolfiefan Thu 01-Oct-20 22:21:30

It’s so not daft at all. It really really helps me. Oh and those doggies can cause soooo much anxiety. I know that for sure.
Do what you can. That’s enough. And give yourself credit for each and every thing you manage.
Bigger? Puppy not a year yet and 50kg. shock
You can get back to enjoying what you did. Little steps. And be kind to yourself OP.

Byallmeans Thu 01-Oct-20 22:29:23

Hi OP your not alone. A few weeks ago I was a mess. I could drive because I couldn’t concentrate on the road and kept nearly crashing, I was having really bad intrusive thoughts, I was having random flashbacks like some one was flicking through old photo albums in my head of bad times whilst I was driving, I was so so tired, felt like I was detached from RL. My nerves where shattered, Contemplated taking a load of co-codamol.

I went to a local beauty spot because I forced my self out of the house and started walking and ended up walking seven miles listening to my ear phones. I felt a tiny bit better.

So I did it again the next day somewhere else. Power walking like a crazy person. I took my shoes of at one point to feel the grass in my toes ( god knows what people thought) I think I have a lot of nervous energy that needs to be burned off

But being outside and walking it off did me so much good. I’ve started swimming again and the exercise is doing me good. I can’t take AD as I don’t like the feeling I get from them.

And a massive thing that has helped is quitting booze which is a struggle because all I wanted to do was get hammered and block it out but I’m better when I’ve not had it.

I’ve also been doing yoga which sounds really naff and I was having to force myself to do it but I felt ok after

Your not in your own. Try not to go in to your shell too much. Rest and meditate but then try and self heal. flowers

NameAChange Thu 01-Oct-20 23:09:08

I wish you well OP. Go easy on yourself. Cooking is a lovely thing to do. flowers

Eckhart Thu 01-Oct-20 23:09:29

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to have to find stuff to enjoy, or stick to a schedule. It's ok just to do nothing. That said, if it helps you, damn well do it!

I know what you meant in your OP about having 'a plan'. I found that knowing it was an option helped me not to choose it; to choose to stay here and wade through all the necessary shit, however long it took.

Looks like you've got the support of your boss and the GP. This gives you some space and time, if nothing else, to just be yourself. Have you got company? Would you even want company? I found that I felt much better in company, but as soon as I was alone I felt like I'd been alone for 50 years. I have a dog now, too, so I'm rarely alone!

This can get better. It felt interminable to me, but it ended. It can just end, and you can feel ok again. Let us know how you get on; you have quiet support here, hoping you feel ok in the morning and manage a shower and some breakfast.

MrsKHB Fri 02-Oct-20 05:55:14

Sounds like you’ve made a positive start OP, that’s great.

Don’t put pressure on yourself, go with your schedule when you can, and when you can’t...fuck it, start again the next day. Good luck

GazingAndGrazing Fri 02-Oct-20 12:58:46

Byallmeans

Hi OP your not alone. A few weeks ago I was a mess. I could drive because I couldn’t concentrate on the road and kept nearly crashing, I was having really bad intrusive thoughts, I was having random flashbacks like some one was flicking through old photo albums in my head of bad times whilst I was driving, I was so so tired, felt like I was detached from RL. My nerves where shattered, Contemplated taking a load of co-codamol.

I went to a local beauty spot because I forced my self out of the house and started walking and ended up walking seven miles listening to my ear phones. I felt a tiny bit better.

So I did it again the next day somewhere else. Power walking like a crazy person. I took my shoes of at one point to feel the grass in my toes ( god knows what people thought) I think I have a lot of nervous energy that needs to be burned off

But being outside and walking it off did me so much good. I’ve started swimming again and the exercise is doing me good. I can’t take AD as I don’t like the feeling I get from them.

And a massive thing that has helped is quitting booze which is a struggle because all I wanted to do was get hammered and block it out but I’m better when I’ve not had it.

I’ve also been doing yoga which sounds really naff and I was having to force myself to do it but I felt ok after

Your not in your own. Try not to go in to your shell too much. Rest and meditate but then try and self heal. flowers

I’m very similar to you. I’m walking more, even in the rain this morning and booze is definitely on the hit list. I was honest with the GP and we have a cut down/cut out plan.

I need to look at exercise, food and sleep. I hope you feel better now

OP’s posts: |
GazingAndGrazing Fri 02-Oct-20 12:59:07

MrsKHB

Sounds like you’ve made a positive start OP, that’s great.

Don’t put pressure on yourself, go with your schedule when you can, and when you can’t...fuck it, start again the next day. Good luck

You are all so lovely.

I do have company, a house full and our beloved pups although I prefer time alone right now.

For those who understand where I am right now, how did you manage and how long did it take to start feeling not so detached?

Today I’ve walked the pups in the rain, sent the work email off with everything on my to do list, deadlines and projects, it was a loooong email which just proves how much pressure I was under, I feel better by sending it and hopefully they will find some one to carry on with my work as I’m normally stand alone so if I take holiday it all just piles up waiting for me, no wonder I’m so behind which is just not like me.

The house is lovely and quiet, it’s still ra-inning and I’ve put the heating on. Not eaten, can’t face it but I do feel calmer. Thanks for all the support

OP’s posts: |
Gertiegumboot Fri 02-Oct-20 13:15:26

Op I was going to come on here and suggest you ask for support at work so it's really good to hear you've already done that. No other advice than to chill out, eat a few healthy things and maybe go for a walk where there are lots of trees. I know that sounds simplistic but I find it helps. Sending you loads of virtual support and unsMunsnetty hugs. Please hang on until you get through this. You will come out the other side.

LittleBrownBaby Fri 02-Oct-20 13:18:00

You've done a lot already. You should write down everything you've already achieved (speaking to work, email, gp, sorting your routine etc). These are massive things.

I work in mental health - it's really hard when you hit lows like this especially coupled with anxiety. Set yourself small achievable goals (getting up, dressed, showered, reading a book, going for a walk) each day. Try and keep meaning and purpose in you day - and please please cut yourself some slack. It's a tricky world to navigate sometimes. You're doing far better than you can see x

Byallmeans Fri 02-Oct-20 13:24:08

GazingAndGrazing

I think you will feel better when you’ve not had to deal with work for a few days. The anxiety there will drag you in every time. Rest and sleep. Your body will be shattered from being on edged. I get bad shoulder pain when I’m bad because of the tension. I slept for a few days and when I started feeling a bit more awake that’s when I started moving/walking/swimming. Maybe you need to spend a few days in bed sleeping and watching shit tv.

I feel better than I did a few weeks ago but I’m still not 100%. I feel like I’m waiting for something. I’m not settled.

So I’m faking it till I make it.

Sleep, rest then try and heal yourself don’t let it consume you.

Also a lot of my friends are really struggling at the moment. So many people struggling with mental health it’s shocking.

GazingAndGrazing Fri 02-Oct-20 14:04:51

I feel like I’m waiting for something, I’m not settled.

It’s this, that’s the exact feeling - impending doom kind of thing, always on the edge.

I’ve pottered around, I’m going to walk the pups and then have a snuggle on the sofa.

I hope you all feel better soon.

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Eckhart Fri 02-Oct-20 14:09:21

I got a lot better quite fast (weeks) but not fully better for quite a long time (probably over a year)

The initial bit was like a snowball; once I realised I could feel even a bit better, the mood stopped feeling insurmountable, so progress was fast. The slow part was what I call 'life design'. There were things/people that were making me feel bad and I had to eliminate them from my life, but that takes time.

But for the first bit, I think small achievements are key, either physically, or in mindset. It only takes a little. It's like a ladder with rungs an inch apart. Even if you only do one rung every day or two, it's not long before you're a foot or two off the ground and can see right over the top of brick walls that were standing in your way.

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