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Suicidal - Please tell me there's a way back

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Namechanged1122 Wed 23-Sep-20 20:16:29

Hi,
I've gone from feeling very low to losing control. I'm feeling suicidal. I'm ok at the moment, in fact I think I'm coming out of it a little bit.. but yesterday was the worst day I've had, I cried all day. I keep thinking about jumping from buildings. My GP called me about a medication review and I broke down and told her everything. The crisis team called me back and to be honest were no help, told me to try mindfulness. I didn't feel like it was enough, but I don't know what else they could've done. I secretly wanted them to admit me, and for someone to look after me for a few days. But I guess this doesn't happen.......

They called me today and I explained I was still thinking about jumping from buildings but that I'd made it to work. Now I'm home and I feel a bit better

I never want to feel so low again, but I know it'll probably happen again (I'm already on sertraline)

Has anyone clawed their way out of this? I'm worried my depression will kill me.

OP’s posts: |
MNnicknameforCVthreads Wed 23-Sep-20 20:24:00

There is a way back. I’ve been where you are and have clawed my way back. Keep chatting here. Do you live alone or with others?

chliing19 Wed 23-Sep-20 20:24:43

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I have no advice except to reach out as much as you can. Samaritans are always there. And things do get better. 💐

Namechanged1122 Wed 23-Sep-20 20:26:52

Hi. I live alone, family and friends are an hour away by train. I feel guilty, like I wasted the crisis team's resources. Not sure I understand that but I've felt very guilty today, like I'm a burden.
I know that it's only me that can get myself well, ultimately. I wish someone could take all the pain away.
It's my loneliness that's the worst

OP’s posts: |
MNnicknameforCVthreads Wed 23-Sep-20 20:27:36

It’s a good sign that you can notice you feel a bit better.

Can you run a bath or wrap yourself up with a hot drink and be kind to yourself, get an early night?

MNnicknameforCVthreads Wed 23-Sep-20 20:28:54

Living alone is really hard, I have a family member who is in this boat. Does TV or radio help? I’m here for a while too smile

Hang in there, you will get better x

MNnicknameforCVthreads Wed 23-Sep-20 20:30:14

I’d text or call family or friends and just say you’re struggling, start a conversation and talking a bit might help?

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Wed 23-Sep-20 20:30:33

Yes there is a way back. Nhs may or may not help. Can you afford private therapy in conjunction with meds - have you tried?

MildDrPepperAddiction Wed 23-Sep-20 20:30:43

You are not a burden. You didn't waste resources. Your feelings are valid and real. You might be on your own physically, but there are loads of people here that can keep you company. I hope you turn a corner soon. 💐

Namechanged1122 Wed 23-Sep-20 20:30:59

I'm definitely going to get an early night. I need to remember to look after myself. I'm always thinking about the next thing, what's happening in the next hour, tomorrow, next week, etc.. In reality there's not much happening as I don't have children and I'm single. I need to be kind to myself, I have low self esteem so don't feel like I deserve it sometimes

OP’s posts: |
MarshaBradyo Wed 23-Sep-20 20:31:05

So, so hard. Loneliness is tough. Do your family know you feel low?

Trailing1 Wed 23-Sep-20 20:32:00

Oh my love, there is a way back. I can appreciate that things are awful for you and I dont know your circumstances but you are a person and you have so much worth.
I have name changed a while back but previously I did speak on here about my mental health (severe postnatal depression) experience on here. I actually went to the place where i was going to take my life and at the last minute my baby started crying and I came to my senses and called a doctor. It was a long road and I had to take medication and was offered counselling (I didn't take up the counselling for many reasons however others have said how much it helped them). Assuming you're in England, could you contact MIND, the mental health charity to see if there are any options to get help?

Namechanged1122 Wed 23-Sep-20 20:32:44

I don't think my family would understand. I only have my dad and he wouldn't understand how I feel. Well, I do have my sister as well but she's younger than me and I don't want to scare her.

OP’s posts: |
SentientAndCognisant Wed 23-Sep-20 20:33:08

Yes it can get better,it may not feel, like it now,but wee steps
Of course there will be ups/downs but with support you can gradually start making way back
Set manageable goals that will make you feel better and in control eg brush teeth, shower, cuppa tea
Try eat well, nutrition is important,and rest
Your body and mind will be exhausted

Suzi888 Wed 23-Sep-20 20:33:34

No experience, so I’m very sorry if I say the wrong thing...
Firstly you didn’t waste anyone’s time, that’s what they are there for.
Would a pet help to relieve loneliness, get you out of the house, take your mind things.
Or could you move closer to family /friends if that’s the root cause of your sadness.
Hopefully someone who has experience will come on with some proper advice soon.

ChalkDinosaur Wed 23-Sep-20 20:33:51

Yes, I've felt that way and things can and do get better.

The best advice I got was, if it feels like too much to commit to not killing yourself ever, then just commit to whatever amount of time feels OK e.g. I won't attempt anything in the next hour/today/this week. I found it a lot easier to just focus on getting through small amounts of time (and these times do tend to get longer as you go on). Suicide is always a tragedy, and it would be devastating to enact such a permanent solution to what are almost certainly temporary problems.

It's a very difficult thing to go through, do what you need to do to look after yourself flowers Keep reaching out for help, too. Crisis teams can be useless but sometimes you'll get through to someone helpful.

QuentinWinters Wed 23-Sep-20 20:34:40

Oh poor you flowers
I've felt like this a lot in the past and was scared I would act on it. Saw a psychologist who said its your subconscious saying something in your life (NOT being alive) is hopeless. Its like a baby crying, it trying to get your attention but doesn't mean you actually want to die. That helped me a lot.

I also found this helpful
theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation?fbclid=IwAR1QtjZa_icFXPmqY7XawrNJlh5ZH8ylsazbyVrhUqRC9dT4lKQxZk-tnxM&zd=2&zi=b4dchh3e

MNnicknameforCVthreads Wed 23-Sep-20 20:44:41

Lots of people here who care and with good advice. You’re not alone.

A pet is something worth thinking about, or even just a new bird feeder or a pot plant. They may sound like silly ideas, but there is a lot of healing and comfort in nature and looking after it and feeling part of the wider world.

If you’re working tomorrow is there someone there you can chat to?

BestOption Wed 23-Sep-20 20:45:47

(((Big Hug))). It's been in quarantine since February, so it's perfectly safe 😉

You haven't wasted anyone's time. Crisis are there to try to help, it's literally their purpose!

You ARE worth it! Whatever has happened to you in your past, to make you feel 'not worth it' Happened TO you, it's NOT you.

How old is your younger sister?

Could you go and visit your Dad & sister? Even if you don't explain, but just say you want some company & need some hugs?

Vulnerable adults are allowed to get the help they need & right now you are vulnerable x

HebeMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 23-Sep-20 20:52:37

Hi there OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. You're far from alone in feeling this way, particularly at the moment when so many of us have been cut off from our usual support networks.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on jo@samaritans.org.

We're pleased to see that you're getting lots of support here and do hope you'll stick around. There's someone around at almost any hour of day or night if you just want a chat. But as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We hope you continue to feel a little better each day. flowers

MrsVeryTired Wed 23-Sep-20 20:54:17

I've been there, what worked for me was taking everything one day at a time, get through the day, keep busy, until the medication starts to work. Don't be afraid to ask for help, that is what the crisis team are there for. If you feel it's getting worse call them again. Are you close to your sister? Because I'm a younger sis and nothing my older sis is ever going through would be off limits to talk about. Take care, keep posting if it helps

Atalune Wed 23-Sep-20 20:58:49

Hi op-

What dose are you on for setraline? Is it worth upping the dose in the short term?

I’m very sorry to hear you feel low- do you have friends you can Reach out to? Would that help.

I went through a bleak period and I wrote in my work diary- “talking to friends makes me feel better” and it’s not necessarily a deep and meaningful chat- just a shooting the breeze chit chat. But often. The social contact needs to be often. Could you try that?

Every time I reach out to a friend to go for a walk or just chat with on the phone it’s a positive experience for both of us.

Keep talking here.

Oneapennytwoapenny Wed 23-Sep-20 21:05:48

Love to you, OP.

Have a google of “the bank of bad days” by Matt Haig.

MNnicknameforCVthreads Wed 23-Sep-20 21:05:49

Yes, writing things down and journalling can be quite therapeutic. I used to make lists of things that I knew would help (even just a tiny bit, and even if I didn’t want to do them), and tick them off and basically just sat it out until gradually things started to get better. Just do whatever you need to do to get through the hours and days and I promise it will get better.

I need to get an early night myself but people are here, as are the Samaritans. Hopefully you’re finding some things to relax and comfort you and can get a good nights sleep. Big hugs

Hellothere19999 Wed 23-Sep-20 21:07:46

Hello! I have been where you are (or similar anyway), I used to wake up and really fucking cry because I wanted to die in my sleep. I did not want be alive. I was very depressed and once decided I was going to kill myself and that gave me joy.... I was happy it would be over, there’s an escape.
Someone said something very true to me which was “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. I totally get wanting to kill yourself but imagine the guilt and grief you would leave behind.
Everything gets better, I promise.
When I was at my worst I was single, living in London and very alone and scared and sad.

I left London, I went home to my parents in the countryside and slowly but surely I healed. I found happiness in small things like a nice meal, a walk, the sun shining, took every day at a time and I really did heal. I now live in the Lake District with my boyfriend and baby and I am so happy. I’m glad I left London. Change anything external that is making you feel shit, only you have that power. And just do it. It will make you feel so much better. Talk to people. You will find they are far more understanding than you could ever expect. And remember that people will always, always prefer you to be alive and talk to them than dead. ALWAYS.
I don’t know too much about sertraline but my partner was on it and stopped because he didn’t like it. Maybe you could ask to change your medication?

Find one little thing that brings you joy everyday... even if it’s something stupid!
You will be okay. I promise. I wish someone had said all of this to be when I was in my depth of depression. It’s truly awful.

God bless. X

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