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I don't want to be "mute girl" anymore.

(2 Posts)
jasminepeony Thu 10-Sep-20 08:56:05

I grew up with severe social anxiety to the point where throughout my childhood and teenage years I was known as "the mute" or "the one who couldn't speak". I didn't get any help for it as back then mental health wasn't talked about and instead I got constantly reprimanded and teased by parents, angry teachers, and my peers.

I grew into a very withdrawn, shy adult and I've felt like a bit of a freak ever since. I'm 29 now and it's only in the last few years I've managed to get therapy and push myself to be more confident. I'm quite proud of how far I've come - I'm able to hold conversations, make jokes, attend interviews, introduce myself to new people etc.

But I still fear I have this "shy and awkward" label attached to me. I believe I've developed a strong case of imposter syndrome. Every time I go out into the world, I try really hard to appear confident and outgoing but inside I'm anxious thinking "will they see through me? will they know i'm actually a socially anxious freak". And then occasionally someone will make a comment like "you're a bit aloof aren't you?" or "you're not very good at eye contact" and I'll crumble and find it hard to fight back the tears.

I also notice I'm trying really hard to prove to my old peers on facebook that I'm "normal" now. Like I'll make sure I'm tagged in photos where I'm out drinking with friends etc so people see I'm not as awkward as I used to be. But then if someone tags me in a photo where I'm looking a bit timid it will really get me down.

I know this isn't exactly a healthy thing to obsess over but I just want to rid all the labels. I know it's not a bad thing to be quiet and shy but I'm worried that when I die all people will remember about me is the fact I was "mute" or I was "very patient" or "so introspective and thoughtful". I know I'm so much more than that! I just want to prove it.

OP’s posts: |
Leafy12 Thu 10-Sep-20 12:13:08

I hear you on everything you just wrote. You write like you have so much to prove and you really don't. It doesn't matter what anyone one else thinks of you. Can you go back to therapy with this post? Say you have some new stuff that has emerged that you want to talk about?

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