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Help, I can't go on, I am literally at the end of my tether

(20 Posts)
oneplusone Fri 05-Oct-07 18:21:43

I've been a full time SAHM for over 4 years now and I am finally admitting defeat and putting my hands up and saying that 'I HATE IT!'. There I said it. I only really decided to stay at home mainly because I didn't enjoy my career and saw having kids and being at home as a way out from that career.

BUT being at home is sooooooo much harder and unfortunately for me less rewardsing than my career ever was. The trouble is now that even if I could find a job, the childcare side of things seems impossible. I've tried childminders and day nurseries and there seems to be no vacancies and long, long waiting lists.

I just feel panicked and trapped, I'm going away for the weekend thankfully, but I am DREADING Monday and the weeks/months ahead with my two kids. I don't know what's brought this on right now, but I guess it's been bubbling under the surface for a while now and I've just been trying to pretend everything's ok and just trying to get on with things. But today something just snapped and I feel I just CANNOT go on anymore.

Please help! I also haven't even thought of an alternative career, I really don't want to go back to doing what I was before but I have no idea as to what job I should try and find and actually I don't even want to go back to work, I just want some TIME OUT, some 'me' time, some decent sleep, decent food, to go out and have fun just for myself WITHOUT kids in tow.

I feel terrible for feeling this way, but it's no good hiding teh truth any longer.

MarkStretch Fri 05-Oct-07 18:23:11

How old are your dc's and do you have a partner?

NAB3 Fri 05-Oct-07 18:30:39

You need a break and a job isn't the only way to go.

SpawnChorus Fri 05-Oct-07 19:25:35

A sympathetic bump

oneplusone Fri 05-Oct-07 19:26:46

Hi, just put the DC's to bed. Sadly the only time I cheer up is their bedtime. sad.

MS; my DC's are DD (4, talks NONSTOP all day, very very draining) DS (17 months, VERY active, EVERYTHING, also very very draining)

I do have a lovely DH who does what he can to help out but he's in a demanding job, and is out of the house from 8am to around 7.30pm so I do EVERYTHING for the DC's including putting them to bed and I am just exhausted at the end of the day. Weekends I do get a bit of 'me' time but I feel it is just not enough.

The whole thing I think has been made worse since DS dropped a nap and then changed his nap time from mornings to after lunch. At least when he was having a long morning nap DD would be at nursery and I'd get some breathing space. As it stands now, DD is in reception mornings only, so I have DS in the mornings full of beans and loads of energy to burn off, then once DD is home from school, both kids have their lunch and DS goes for a nap til around 3pm. But during DS's nap DD wants a piece of me and she is not the sort to amuse herself for very long, she is a people person and wants me me me to do things with her which is understandable from her point of view.

And then once DS is up from his nap I have the both of them til bedtime at around 6.30pm.

Any suggestions from you to try and sqeeze in some me time during the day would be very very very much appreciated.

NAB3 you are so right, I do need a break and I also know a job could and probably would only make things worse. But what are the other options? I did manage to talk to DH about how I was feeling this morning and he will early next take a week off to mind the kids so I can go away and have a break. But that is still a long way off and I need a proper solution to this issue. I can see myself feeling even worse after I've had a break and come back with nothing to look forward to.

oneplusone Fri 05-Oct-07 19:28:54

Thanks SC, but please help me, what do I do?!shock

noonar Fri 05-Oct-07 19:33:22

do you have a local gym/ health club with a creche? could you go for a swim or sauna? xx

noonar Fri 05-Oct-07 19:34:14

ps my post was in response to you asking how to get 'me time'. not about the job, obviously!

gordieracer Fri 05-Oct-07 19:38:19

Why don't you look at a few local colleges for courses?
I started an access to Higher Education course part time last year and it's the best thing I've ever done.
I was in the same situation as you, wanted to go back to work, but not where I was before the children. Now I feel like a whole world of possibilities have opened up, and the people are all really nice on the course, lots in similar situations.

oneplusone Fri 05-Oct-07 19:39:33

Hi noonar, yes I do go to a gym with a creche and have been going there, but DS hates it and cries the minute I leave him until I come back to get him. I can usually hear him as I'm walking down the corridor to the creche. So although whilst I'm in the gym I do get a bit of me time it's always pretty much ruined by finding DS sobbing away when I go back to the creche sad.

I've been going for a few months now, on and off and he has never settled; the staff their seem to chop and change quite a bit so I can understand him being unhappy but what can i do? It puts me off going to the gym to be honest, i feel stressed before I even get there as i know he's gonna scream.

oneplusone Fri 05-Oct-07 19:43:06

geordieracer, that is a really really good idea, but what do i do about childcare whilst I'm at the course? I've spent this week ringing round trying to find somewhere for DS in the mornings whilst DD is at school but it is proving very very difficult if not impossible. And I'm not so desperate (or am I?) that I will just dump him anywhere just to get some space, I just couldn't do that. (Not implying that any mother could do that but there is one day nursery that always has spaces but it's AWFUL, I could never leave him there.)

HonoriaGlossop Fri 05-Oct-07 20:09:46

One thing that occurs to me in these situations is your DH. OK, so he is in a job with long hours; but if you are so very miserable at home, you need help. Perhaps he could request less hours for a year or two so that he could be home to do bedtimes. Perhaps you have some scope for downsizing so that there is more flexibility about the hours and the work he does? He is a parent too, and no wonder you're drained and a bit depressed; you are doing it ALL. During the week the kids don't have a dad present, which is sad for them as well as you.

If he did less hours, that would free you up to hand over the kids and either go out, or get a part time job - I worked in M & S one christmas, 3 evenings a week plus one shift at the weekend, it was a fab job and fun to be away from the bedtime grind!

If there's no flexibility for you dh or your home situation, which I appreciate there isn't for some, then i think you need to approach your local council for an up-to-date list of childcare providers; they usually have this info on your local council website; surely there must be somewhere that you could get your ds into to free up some time in the day?!

i think free time sounds very necessary; maybe at first just to do NOTHING, just enjoy being you for a few hours; then you could decide whether it's work or training you'd be interested in.

oneplusone Fri 05-Oct-07 20:21:36

HG, thank you for your post, but it is not an option for DH to reduce his hours or anything along those lines. His job is demanding but very well paid and to be honest it was a joint decision by both of us that he should take the job in the hope that we could pay off most of our mortgage in a fairly short space of time (well 10 years which seems like a LONG time at the moment).

I think the realistic option is to try and find suitable childcare for DS to free up some time for myself and I will just do nothing like you said. Sounds like bliss!

I think i got a bit panicked this week as I've never used any sort of childcare before so had no idea how hard it would be to find somewhere,and how long the waiting lists were, but I realise I just have to persevere and I'm going to continue ringing round next week.

And I'm not going to go back to work, I'm going to look into doing a course, something purely for enjoyment not for any sort of career prospects. I feel a bit better just having made a decision not to go to work as I knew that wasn't really what I want to do.

gordieracer Fri 05-Oct-07 20:24:13

My college has a lovely nursery within, but last year he went to a childminder who was also really nice.

HonoriaGlossop Fri 05-Oct-07 20:36:06

good idea oneplus - work brings it own pressures of course, and actually I found working part time REALLY hard; that rapid switch over from mummy-brain to work-brain I find pretty stressful actually.

Hope you find some childcare soon - and enjoy that rest time. Blimey, you've earned it, with two under five!

HonoriaGlossop Fri 05-Oct-07 20:38:28

I can't resist saying it, I know we're coming from different viewpoints on this and no doubt that yours is the right and sensible approach that will allow you to prosper in the long term, while dh and I try to stop our old two bed terrace from falling down; but I think it's really sad that the mortgage being paid off, is what takes your DH away from his kids all week. He'll never get their early years back again. and I think my DH's time with DS each evening is priceless.

moondog Fri 05-Oct-07 20:40:01

I'm not surprised you are depressed.
Being home with my two all day drove me mad.
Get a job.I did and it turned my life around.

DirtyGertiefromnumber30 Fri 05-Oct-07 20:47:37

next september your life will be so much easier. your dd will be in school full time and your ds will be old enough to go to a morning playgroup. I know it seems a long way off, but what im trying to say is, its not forever. I know its bloody exhausting though!

oneplusone Fri 05-Oct-07 20:55:57

HG, it is true that DH doesn't see teh kids in the evenings, but we're all up at 6.30 so he gets around 2 hours with them in the morning (he gets their breakfast and they play downstairs for a bit whilst I sleep a bit longer (think i want to sleep as i'm depressed) and then have a shower so it's not a lot of time but he does spend time wiht them everyday and at weekends. He's also got the week off during half term so he'll be with the kids and I am going to have some time to myself. That's only 2 weeks away but the way I felt this morning, it seemed like 2 years.

DirtyGertie, yep I am constantly telling myself it'll only be another year til like you said DS will be at playgroup/preschool (already have his name down) but a year seems sooooooo long when I'm finding it difficult to just get through an afternoon.

Geordieracer, I never considered the college might have a nursery attached, first thing monday morning I'm going to find out! Thanks!

oneplusone Fri 05-Oct-07 21:08:50

I just checked my local college website and it didn't mention a nursery/creche anywhere, will call them on monday. Also checked the local university and it does have a nursery and courses I would love to do BUT the nursery only takes children from the age of 2 and DS won't be 2 til May and that is just too long for me to wait and also most of the courses start in september so i'd have to wait til september anyway.

I seem to be meeting obstacles at every turn shock

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