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Taking on all my mum’s problems

(2 Posts)
Cerulean60 Fri 28-Aug-20 19:53:48

Hi all,

I wanted to get some advice. My mum (late 50s) is being forced to sell the family home as her long term partner left her for another woman, has been paying the mortgage since then but now wants to sell up, get his share of the proceeds and sail off into the distance. My mum is very upset about having to sell, worsened by the fact she won’t be able to afford to buy anywhere mortgage-free in the same town, where she’s lived all her life.

Her partner was the main earner, and told her she didn’t need to work - instead she did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc, though she did work a bit. She’s now single (and lonely) with no career, pension, or earning power. She has been working the last couple of years but like many people her hours have been cut drastically so she’s very financially unstable.

In my view my mum needs to flip into survival mode but she’s being very fussy about what jobs she applies for and insists she’s too old to work full time. She’s refusing to consider moving to a cheaper area a few miles away, even though that area is safe and pleasant, saying it would damage her self-esteem. She says I don’t understand because I am younger (I am 30).

I spend all my free time worrying about her, looking for jobs and properties, most she rejects. I’ve been on property viewings with her, written job applications, and provided constant emotional support - she calls me crying several times a week, says things would be better if she weren’t here etc. She has just started CBT which I hope will help.

This is really impacting my own mental health and therefore physical health, career and relationship. We spoke on the phone earlier and she then said she’d phone me again tonight - when I said I needed break from it tonight she made me feel bad and hung up. I feel a real sense of responsibility towards my mum and I feel really sorry for her but can’t understand why she doesn’t flip into that survival mode. It’s like she wants me to just fix everything and make it all go away but I’m not superwoman! Can anyone give some advice?

Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Chefwifelife Fri 28-Aug-20 20:05:31

@Cerulean60 you sound wise beyond your years. What a hard situation to be in. I guess reading your post I thought “what would happen if you did nothing...?” She wouldn’t let herself go hungry or end up on the streets. It’s very odd when as the child you end up feeling like the parent. There is only so much you can do to help her; it’s ultimately up to her. I’m sure there will be people along in due course to offer better advice but I just wanted to say I think that you sound like a very caring person.

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