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I don’t want to be here anymore.

(32 Posts)

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okaygoodbye Wed 26-Aug-20 22:09:07


I really don’t. I hate how I’m living. Ever since I had my baby my mental health has been in bits. I’ve always had issues especially OCD and that is what has happened. I have awful intrusive thoughts from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I try to tell myself it’s not me. I try to tell myself it’s OCD. But then I check over and over again to see whether it was me or not. I have constant tics now because I am constantly fighting thoughts in my head and it shows outwards. I try and bargain with myself and swear I won’t think about it for at least ten minutes or something bad will happen. It always comes back. I am failing as a mum. I’m not as good as the other mums. A part of me feels disconnected. Sometimes I feel more comfortable when I’m not around him because the thoughts are so bad. It is destroying me. It hurts so much to even admit that. Because I do love him so much. But I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want them to take him away. He doesn’t love me as much as his dad. I know it. I’m sure he thinks my mum is his mum. Maybe he thinks I’m just a random person. My partner tells me he lights up when he sees me but I don’t believe it. I keep thinking he would be better off without me. That others can offer him so much more. I’m sat in the bath crying while he’s in the other room with his dad. I wish things were different. I want to feel like a mum. I want to be able to be around him without being consumed by thoughts to the point I second guess everything I do. I don’t want to fear being around him. If I tell anyone my thoughts they will take him away I know it. Why do I feel so disconnected? I see other mums and they look so in love with their babies. My head is constantly just filled with fear. Sometimes I’ll sit in the bathroom and just hit myself around the head to get the thoughts out. It’s been going on for five months now.

I’m in CBT but I can’t afford it anymore. I am under the perinatal team but they just focus on my medication. The last time I tried to talk to the health visitor the first thing she did was ask if I felt like harming my baby and she made me feel like I couldn’t trust her. I don’t know who to talk to.

I wish I could start over and be a better mum. He deserves so much better than me in every way. I don’t deserve him. Maybe he’d be so much better off if it was just him and his dad.

OP’s posts: |
RunningFromInsanity Wed 26-Aug-20 22:10:48

This will be deleted soon, but please remember that the best thing for a baby is to have a mum. You are his mum and he needs you to be strong.

You need to talk to someone in real life and make them listen.

Good luck.

Therunecaster Wed 26-Aug-20 22:11:30

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Please get help. Post natal mental health concerns are very common and nothing to be ashamed of. Don't do anything to harm yourself. You will get through this. Let me know if you want to talk x

greenforme Wed 26-Aug-20 22:15:02

Talk to someone who will listen... properly listen. Help is there, and with it you can come through this. Xx

LittleRed53 Wed 26-Aug-20 22:15:18

He grew inside you, your voice was the first thing he heard and your heartbeat is his first comforter, before he ever came into the world. Of course he lights up when he sees you, no matter how dark you may feel.

You're his precious, irreplaceable mum flowers

ChilliesAndSpice Wed 26-Aug-20 22:15:38


Is it the OCD making you feel this way? OCD is awful and people don’t realise how bad it can be. It also needs specialist treatment, not just ‘normal’ CBT.

OP this time last year my DH couldn’t get out of bed because of OCD. He couldn’t do anything for himself it was so horrendous. He even used to wet himself because he couldn’t get to the toilet in time.

He used to spend hours thinking and checking.

He is now better and our lives are totally different. You can do it. It will be better I promise.

ChilliesAndSpice Wed 26-Aug-20 22:17:08

I hope this thread isn’t deleted. Please post OP, we care about you.

kangaShade Wed 26-Aug-20 22:17:11

I can't offer advice as I'm not an expert but hopefully just a bit of hope. A close relative of mine was in a very similar situation (including the tics, OCD, anxiety etc) and is now doing fantastically well. Just so happy and fulfilled. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you can get through this. When you're going through hell, keep going.

In the meantime you can call the Samaritans for free at any time and it will be anonymous.

Iamtooknackeredtorun Wed 26-Aug-20 22:17:12

I am so sorry you feel like this. I know you can't see it at the moment but you're pretty much all your baby needs in this world and you're doing a great job.

Have you called the Samaritans? Do you have family or friends you can speak to?

Talk to us on here. Tell us about yourself, or your baby, or what TV or books you like. Stay with us.

Pumperthepumper Wed 26-Aug-20 22:20:57

It will get better, it honestly will. Your boy will never, ever be better off without you - he’ll want to show you his important school work, meet his friends, he‘ll have a special snack or drink that only you make the right way, he’ll love you so much. I’m so sorry you feel like this, I promise you’ll feel better one day.

Can you ask for a different health visitor? Can your partner phone around for you?

Pumperthepumper Wed 26-Aug-20 22:23:02

If you’re in Scotland we have a fantastic group called Juno, here

Maybe someone else will know of anything similar?

Babs709 Wed 26-Aug-20 22:23:34

flowers OP you will always find support here, even if it’s only the tip of the iceberg of what you need. Things will get easier xx

Pumperthepumper Wed 26-Aug-20 22:24:17

And loads of links on the NHS website if you need to speak to anyone

Breastfeedingworries Wed 26-Aug-20 22:26:15

Why would mn delete this thread? Op clearly needs support.

Op he heard your voice, he moved with you and your his whole world. Xx

Vallmo47 Wed 26-Aug-20 22:26:18

Please, please get help. ❤️❤️ We are here to listen but please seek help as well.

Dita73 Wed 26-Aug-20 22:31:42

You need to phone 111 right now and get put through to the mental health team. I know exactly how you feel as this was me a long time ago but you are thinking this way because you’re not well. Your baby needs you and loves you and it’s just an illness that’s telling you different but it can be helped and I promise you will get better. I know you probably don’t feel like you’re unwell but you are and doctors will help you and your baby will not go anywhere. Please call them. The sooner you get help the sooner you’ll feel better. Do not give up. Thinking of you x

sonicbook Wed 26-Aug-20 22:32:14

I promise you that your baby adores you. It doesn't always feel like it but he does. ❤️ your baby loves and needs you xxx

HebeMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 26-Aug-20 22:44:56

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on

We also have this page on postnatal depression that might be of use.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

Jedimastermama Wed 26-Aug-20 22:46:29

I’m sorry you feel like this. Please seek help.
I know you are feeling scared and alone with this, but there is help out there. Speak to a different health visitor. There are professionals who will help you and listen to you.
You are his mum, he needs you so much.

Suzi888 Wed 26-Aug-20 22:47:36

@okaygoodbye go to your G.P in the morning and tell them this. Please get help, your child is not better off without you xx

VestaTilley Wed 26-Aug-20 22:51:00

Please try and get help, OP. Remember you are loved, valued and needed - and you are an excellent Mum. Your baby wants and needs you.

New motherhood is so, so hard. Much harder than we get warned about. My mental health has been terrible since I had DS 16 months ago. I struggle every day- but it isn’t unusual. You are not alone.

I may smile in photos with my baby, but just like so many new Mum’s I am crying inside.

You’re not a failure. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. PND is all too real.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS Wed 26-Aug-20 22:58:00

This may or may not be helpful to you love, but my coping staying alive strategy is to think of something a bit in the future that I would like to do/be at/see and plan to hang on til then. Atm I am holding on for DD going to uni in a couple of weeks. Then I have something at the end of October, then two of my DSs have birthdays and so on. I just hang on from 'thing to thing' (and meanwhile p!an my funeral in my head) I know I'm "not right" in my thoughts, I don't know how to fix it, but I know I can hang on just a bit longer. So far "A bit longer" keeps me gping, until I feel able to seek proper help. Everything is so weird just now, it feels like the whole world has gone mad! But things pass,there are better days sometimes.
You have posted here, so you know that things are "off" with your mind playing tricks on you, these thoughts aren't really "you"
Just hang in there, try to believe your baby and his dad love you! They do. They need you, and this shit WILL pass. Just hang on for a while, and another while, and you'll see.

Workinprogress30 Wed 26-Aug-20 23:28:12

This is so sad to read. You clearly love your little boy. Please tell your dp how you are feeling if you haven’t already.
Read up on studies on being a good enough parent, which I am certain you are, and know that he would not be better off without you here. This will pass although I know it won’t seem like it now.
Also look at the work of Anna Mathur regarding intrusive thoughts. You are not alone in this.
Lastly please reach out to your Health Visitor or GP. Request some counselling - it will be fast tracked for new mums . They will not take your little boy off you.
There is a way out of this I promise. It will take some strength, but you can do it x

okaygoodbye Wed 26-Aug-20 23:54:42

I just broke down to my DP. I asked him for one thing that makes me a good mum. He kept telling I was a good mum and I said just tell me one thing that makes me a good mum and he couldn’t come up with a single thing. Not one.

OP’s posts: |
Beckyk12 Thu 27-Aug-20 00:04:28

Please know that it will get better, I had intrusive thoughts when my son was younger and like yourself worried if I told anyone he would be taken from me,
If you weren’t a good mum then these thoughts wouldn’t be distressing you so much, think of it that way.
They are just thoughts, try not to give them so much importance, when the thought comes try and just say to yourself, god what a horrible thought and let it pass, these are more common than people think so you are not alone it’s your minds way of telling you to slow down get some proper sleep, ask for help and if you are too scared to talk to professionals just now then talk to a trusted friend or family member
Take care
Pm me if you need to speak to someone that has gone through this as well

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