Hi,
-Just to warn you this post contains a description of some intrusive thoughts I had when I was a child that are violent/disturbing
...
I’m in therapy at the moment for work related anxiety. I’ve had an extremely happy childhood and life so far, no trauma, but I have an issue with perfectionism in work that led me to seek therapy.
Anyway, in talks with my therapist I mentioned I am not interested in sex, in fact I find the idea offputting.
Anyway my therapist asked me if I have ever had any sexual feelings, and I said not really. But since our session I’ve kept thinking further and further back and I have remembered two things from my childhood that seem a bit “off”? Or maybe I am just reading too much into this because of the therapist showing an interest? Does the following ring alarm bells for you, or might it be normal exploration:
- Aged about 7-8 ish (I think), I had a Barbie doll, and I remember taking her clothes off spreading her limbs and colouring her breasts and lady bits all in red felt tip, representing blood. I did this for a bit of a kick to ‘be naughty’ but knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing things like that and quickly washed it all off.
- same sort of age I used to have a sort of intrusive thought at night when I went to bed. I used to imagine a lady in her underwear being impaled on a flagpole (through the stomach) with lots of men watching and dancing around her. Again, I knew it was not a good thought to be having, but I just kept thinking it night after night.
There is nothing else, but the violence is quite disturbing? I have no idea what would have put such horrible images into my mind? I do remember feeling ashamed about both these, which is probably why I still remember them. Could it have just been an innocent sort of boundary pushing with ‘naughty / shocking thoughts’ ... or maybe I had seen something that I shouldn’t have? I suppose I’m wondering if I might have accidentally seen some porn or something that’s made sex into a bad thing in my subconscious mind?
Am I reading too much into this? Would you be concerned if you knew a child was thinking these things? AIBU?