Postnatal insomnia? Desperate but too scared to take medication

[namechange1121]

My baby is 10 weeks old and so beautiful, I can't believe I am like this as I wanted her and love her so desperately and now she has a mother who is constantly miserable and too tired to do all the right things with her.

I've struggled with anxiety and obsession issues my whole life but since she was born it's really focused on sleep to the point where I am so anxious about sleeping that I can't. I never manage more than a couple of hours on a morning at most while My husband watches her even though she sleeps for 4 hour stretches at night. Sleep during the day also impossible for same reasons. I try so hard but just end up physically shaking, even if I read or listen to something I just cannot switch off and am constantly jittery. I try and tell myself it doesn't matter and just lie down but it doesn't work.

I spoke to my GP who prescribed sertraline but I've been too scared to take it because in the side effects it says don't take if you have had suicidal thoughts and honestly I deal with these every night when it comes time to try and sleep, I would never actually do it but I think about the worry i am causing my husband and maybe the two of them would be better without me in the long run. Plus one of the side effects is insomnia too?

Again I would never actually do it but having the thoughts and even strong urges to hurt myself like scratch myself or hit myself really scares me. I can't take the risk of taking these pills and turning into a zombie. But I just want to sleep so badly if I didn't have to look after the baby I would want a strong sleeping tablet to just knock me out so my brain could finally switch off. I just want to rest so badly, I have got to the stage where I am stumbling and banging into things all the time and seeing spots I am so tired and I am being such a rubbish mum to my baby, I am sure she picks up on it and she deserves so much better.

I could be sleeping right now, she's been asleep for 3 hours but I've spent the whole time trying all the tricks with no sleep and ended up lying here shaking all over like usual, trying not to give in to hurting myself. I just feel like such a shit mum and wife and don't know what to do.

I don't even really know what I'm hoping for in writing this I just need to ask for advice somewhere as I'm so embarrassed and don't have anyone I can talk to about it, my baby is my whole world and I would be so ashamed if anyone knew how miserable I am.