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2 weeks to sort my head out - can anyone help?

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CousinRosamund Sun 02-Aug-20 19:17:26

Hello, I would really appreciate some advice - apologies in advance for the rambling nature of this post.

I've been struggling for a while, on and off - lots going on in my head, but it's all deteriorated recently. I'm experiencing obsessive thoughts, what I've recently realised is maladaptive daydreaming and persistent low moods and feelings of emptiness.

I enjoy my work - I mean what i actually do - but politics and the behaviour of management has been getting me down for over a year now and it's getting to me more and more. There's a constant uncertainty and feeling of not knowing that they're going to do next. I feel my face doesn't fit and believe they would get rid of me if they could (actually there are redundancies coming up so they might finally get the chance).

Things would have been bad anyway but its all been exacerbated by lockdown and WFH. Everything takes longer at home because of the systems I have to use and although I'm PT I've spent lockdown working FT for the same pay, while I know others are doing less work than me for full-time pay. I haven't had a day off since Christmas.

Meanwhile my DD has had a rubbish time as I've always been working. My DP is a key worker so hasn't been able to do much in the way of childcare or home-Ed so that's nearly all been down to me.

At the same time I think I've become a sort of workaholic. It's hard to separate work and family life. When I'm focussed on my work I'm not thinking about other things and I would feel lost without it. It's a sort of love-hate relationship I think. I'm never relaxed, although I should be tired as I start work at 6.30 every day and often work late into the evening.

But I'm lonely - really lonely. I'm not really part of a team - I work mostly on projects by myself. In the first 7-8 weeks of WFH I had hardly any contact with work - no Zoom meetings, no WhatsApp group - just a daily email from my line-manager to check I didn't have COVID and that was it.

Things are a bit better now but I still feel isolated. I've had a couple of setbacks at work and although I was told it was nothing personal, nothing like it has happened to anybody else, only me. On Friday PM I was given news by my line-manager that really threw me - it means even more uncertainty and just makes me feel like giving up.

As well as all this there are issues in my marriage which I feel I can't confront as don't even want to imagine where it could all lead.

I've always been a maladaptive daydreamer but it's got out of control in the past few months, and I've been having obsessive thoughts that I can't (don't want to?) shake. This makes me feel desperate and empty inside as I'm all too aware that it's not my real life and that nothing is going to change.

If you've made it so far (thank you!) this is the point of this post. For the first time in 7 months I finally have some time off work. The first week I will have my DD but the second week she is in school (I'm in Scotland). I feel really guilty about this but figure if I can use the time constructively to get better mentally it will benefit her too.

I came off Friday's zoom meeting with my line-manager in tears; I absolutely can't be in that mental state when I return in a fortnight. I was wondering if anyone might have any suggestions for now I could use this time so that I'll be better able to cope when I start back again? I really don't want to waste it. I know there isn't a quick fix but if I could even begin the process it would be a start.

Thanks you so much for reading this and sorry if it it seems so self indulgent - I know that I'm fortunate in many ways and that there are many people on this board who are coping with worse problems than mine. xx

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