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Feel broken and tearful today help me snap out of it

(6 Posts)
Alfiemoon1 Sat 01-Aug-20 13:31:37

For a bit of background I have an awful relationship with my family dm and dsis wasn’t like that growing up but a few years ago dm decided to rewrite my teenage years to me and my dc I was a nightmare teen dropped out of college blah blah I really wasn’t and I finished college with a levels met my dh at 17 and bought our first house when I was 19 no I didn’t go to university which I do regret me and dh work hard pay our own bills live an ok comfortable life

My dsi 5 years older than me is now the golden child in dm eyes ironically dsi didn’t go to university either but did nurse training and has worked her way up the ladder. Dsi has always been bossy and controlling and a financial nightmare despite earning a decent wage payday loans house maxed constantly borrowing money off dm but she’s the golden apparently my dc should aspire to be like her have a flash car holidays etc that she can’t afford

They have both been very involved with my dc as we all live locally and we had a close relationship until a few years ago. I have now gone low contact with them

Had a few issues with dd during lockdown caught her self harming over her new transgender boyfriend who she described as controlling they argue everyday she can’t leave so self harming is the only way I voiced my concerns she left to live with dsi not heard much from her since and she is still with her boyfriend

I know there’s not much I can do to change the situation but today I feel tearful I’ve tried to be a good sister daughter mum etc and it feels like it’s all blown up in my face

So what are you tips to brighten your mood when you have a down day because I can’t sit here snivelling all day

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Alfiemoon1 Sat 01-Aug-20 15:15:14

For context dm is elderly but doesn’t have dementia she was widowed when I was a baby and has always been a bit bitter about it and kind of anti men I think Her change in behaviour to me is that I have now been married longer than she was and in a warped way she is trying to encourage my dc to be successful but saying things to my dc like your mum can’t help you with your homework as she’s in a low paid job dd is also the golden child in her eyes and I feel sorry for ds when dm comments he’s going to be a bin man when hes older or criticises his handwriting she never seems pleased when he achieves something high marks in a test oh it must of been an easy one

Dsi has never married never had dc of her own she tried to adopt but due to being morbidly obese got rejected she is currently in a long distance relationship but won’t tell dm she also puts me down to dc she takes over everything my homeschooling plan for ds she made a timetable he had to stick to rather than using mine dd 18 th birthday party was planned behind my back I just footed the bill while as it was at her house she took all the credit

OP’s posts: |
Alfiemoon1 Tue 04-Aug-20 11:32:22

Just a hopeful bump as feeling down again today ds been invited yet again to tea at my dsi he presumes to get them to spend time Ds and dd together me and dh not invited. There is no reason dd can’t come here it’s her home and I would like to spend time with her as a family but I guess I just have to accept she doesn’t want to. I just feel so sad and don’t know what to do for the best

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CousinRosamund Tue 04-Aug-20 12:04:16

Hi OP, that sounds really tough - not so easy to go low contact if the rest of your family are not on board.

I'm new to this board so don't want to give you bad advice but couldn't not post as you sound low and your situation sounds really difficult.

My instinct would be to detach as much as possible from your mother and your sister as it doesn't sound like these relationships are good for your mental health. I suppose if you are low-contact you are probably doing that anyway, but maybe pull back even more.

I would try not to criticise your mother or your sister to your children, well definitely not to your daughter (maybe your son is more on the same page?) as that is probably just going to drive more of a wedge between you. She may reach her own conclusion about their behaviour but you can't force that.

It doesn't sound like this boyfriend is good for her but again you can't change that and she needs to reach this conclusion herself. I would keep the conversation channels open - send light, friendly texts, ask how she is, nothing negative about her aunt or grandmother or the boyfriend. Show her that you are always there for her no matter what, without pressurising her.

In the meantime can you do something nice to take your mind off things? What do you enjoy and what makes you happy? You can't do anything to change how these people are but you can focus on you.

Hopefully someone more qualified will be along soon but I didn't want to read and run.x

Alfiemoon1 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:31:53

Sorry cousin I didn’t see your reply. I am already low contact with dm and dsi and don’t slag either of them off to dc. For example They are both blissfully unaware the exotic holiday dsi took them on was actually funded by dm I actually want all of us to have a good relationship

I am trying to give dd space she’s only contacted me when she wants something we have invited her out for meals or when we are having a movie night etc

Last night we were at dsi for a bbq cousins were there and dd boyfriend it was ok but there is definitely an elephant in the room a few sarky comments from dd that we brushed off and she decided to announce she had passed her first year at university to which cousins said oh we already knew that. I feel so hurt and humiliated I knew the results came out a few weeks ago and was waiting for dd to tell us how she got on and of course we are the last ones to know despite being the ones funding through university

Dd with the input from dsi has convinced herself we don’t care about her education for some reason which is totally untrue I tested her and helped her revise so much through her gcse and a levels I could of sat the exams myself and when she was having chest pains in the night due to dsi putting pressure on her to go to a university that required higher grades dd didn’t even like the location I was there talking her through it I knew and told her how proud of her I was and that she had worked so hard and done her best but it wasn’t worth having chest pains for all of that seems to have been forgotten

Feel like I am living in a parallel universe to my family my boring teenage years rewritten and now dd rewriting her childhood which was I feel was nice. Given lots of opportunities for activities I used to be run ragged doing dropping one off at karate and one of at riding lessons family holidays days out me and dh worked are arses off sorting out dd horse

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Alfiemoon1 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:55:51

We have quite rightly funded dd first year of university there isn’t much left of her student loan after she has paid her rent She did work one day a week and in the holidays. She only passed her test just before university shut we have given her a car and paying for it got a very good deal on insurance as I had a previous policy on it

She is currently working full time saving up for a newer car not discussed with us so when she gets it the insurance will be sky high and she will be back at university I know she will be ringing asking for money and I don’t want her to struggle but she has chosen to pretty much cut us out of her life I am tempted to show some tough love and tell her she will have to work lots of her friends worked more than she did last year

All of this is breaking my heart

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