Actively suicidal. I have a little girl

[User384747]

Please help me I am so scared and don’t know what to do. I feel like my family and dp are starting to tire of me and I am terrified. I have been fantasising about ending my life all day. My dd has tried to play with me and I can’t even do that. Just feel nothing.

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

What do you think is making you feel like this OP?
And can I suggest a call to Samaritans, might be a faster and better help than here. Your little girl needs you so please remember that, even if you think she doesnt, she does.

[LilyMumsnet]

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

[whatever1980]

Have you seen your GP recently? I think you need to make an appointment asap. You're not alone there's lots of help out there

[User384747]

I am on antidepressants have counselling. I have suffered for many years and am just so tired of it. I feel like I have no fight left and I’m scared that it’s made my numb to my dd now. She deserves so much better. I have emailed Samaritans as my dp and dd are downstairs :,( I just want it to go away

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

I think you need to tell someone how you feel op. It's ok - it's really hard to ask for help but that's the first step. You might feel like your loved ones are bored of you but that's your illness talking. I expect they'd want to know so they can help you. Is there anyone you can tell?

[Gazelda]

Is there anyone else at home with you right now?
Have you spoken to your GP?
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

[IdrisElbow]

OP are you in a place of safety at the moment? If you feel like you may act upon your urges imminently please call 999. I urge you to see your GP at your earliest opportunity. It sounds like you are really struggling but you are not alone, there are people who can help you

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

I'm so glad you've emailed Samaritans. There's also the text service shout - I've used them before when i couldn't call anyone. I know how you feel. I can't see a time when I'll ever be free of this illness but all we have to do is make it through. To the next minute.

[Namenic]

If it is out of hours and you can’t contact GP, go to A&E. there are different anti-depressants that can be tried. Please seek out support.

[Greysparkles]

for you OP
Please speak to your GP again about how you're feeling.
Or if you feel you can, talk to your DP or a friend. Don't suffer alone

[User384747]

Thank you all. I’m on a low dose antidepressant only been on it 4 weeks but praying it will kick in soon. I have scheduled an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow morning so I just need to get through until then and get her to nursery in the morning. My poor girl :’(

[Fairybio]

Find things to distract you for now - watch something cheerful on iPlayer, have a bath, have an early night. And be honest with your counsellor tomorrow. If you think you can't get through safely until tomorrow morning, get yourself to A and E.

This will pass. It will get better.

[Hairydilemma]

Nothing more helpful to add to what everyone else has said other than to reiterate - your DD and family need and love you and this WILL pass - please take care of yourself. You deserve to be here.

[AllMyGreggsInOneBasket]

Holding your hand

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Anti depressants do take a while to kick in - i had 4 weeks of 10mg of citalopram when i started and then went up to 20mg which is the therapeutic dose. Please be aware that suicidal thoughts and increases in anxiety can be be a side effect of some anti depressants. I noticed some side effects for quite a long time, but I've been on them for over a year now and they were really at their worst for the first 6-8 weeks, after that i started noticing a huge improvement in my mood. If you don't, you might need to try a different one. It seems mad that something that's supposed to help you can make you feel so much worse - ride it out it should get better. This is the illness. It's not you, and whatever it's telling you it's real - it's not. People do care about you. The illness is lying to you. Please be as honest as possible with the counselor that you're having thoughts about harming yourself.

[User384747]

Thank you so much for your kind messages. Samaritans emailed me back and I replied with everything, it felt quite a relief to write it all down.
I just hate this horrible, cruel illness. I hate what it has done to my life. I always thought I’d make a nice mum and now I am failing at that.
@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam thank you for staying with me. I had severe reactions to ADS 6 years ago, vowed never to go on them again so this is a big step going on mirtazapine. Even though it’s low. I haven’t felt as bad as previously but I’m so scared to alter it/change to another.

[Emancipated]

I’ve been there OP. You don’t need to be perfect right now. You just need to keep meeting your daughters needs. Keep her fed, clean, safe. That’s all she needs right now. Don’t feel bad not playing, play can happen on an easier day. Easier days will come.
I wish I had the answer. We’re here and we’re listening.

[PolloDePrimavera]

However bad you think you are, your DD would suffer far more if you killed yourself. I've been close so I feel I can relate and at those times, I thought about my kids. She would blame herself, face people's pity etc. So just for her, don't do it. Don't let her have to find out about periods/chat about girl things with someone else. Please.

[User384747]

Thank you @Emancipated @PolloDePrimavera both very true things you are saying. I know these things deep down when the pain is too much. I will get better for her. She is such an amazing little girl I don’t know how I deserve her a lot of the time

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Op you are not failing your baby girl. You're an amazing mum. Do you know how i know? Because you're still here, fighting to do your best for her. It might not feel like it. Sometimes your best might not be as much as you'd like it to be in an ideal world. You might not be able to do painting and playdough and all that stuff. But i just know from the way you talk about her that you are doing the best you can, with the resources you have available in any given moment. Because the alternative is choosing not to do the best for your little girl and if you're anything like me, even in the depths of my worst moments, i knew that would never be an option for my children. What your little girl needs is for her mummy to make it through, because there is nobody in the world that she loves and needs as much as you. If your illness is telling you any different then it's lying to you. Don't believe it.

by the way, do you know how brave it is that you're getting help? It takes an insane amount of courage to ask for help. Not only are you on ADs but you are having counselling too. That's amazing op. It might not feel like it, but it is. You've made that happen for yourself.

I liken it to a broken leg. You wouldn't get a cast put on it then berate yourself for not being able to run a marathon. You just have to hold on and wait for the medication to start working. Things will get better, i promise you that. Just keep talking op.

[User384747]

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam you’re so kind thank you so much. Your post made me cry. I just want to get well for her. I will get stronger with time.
I managed to get her to nursery. I do it so fast as I’m worried if someone asks how I am I will just breakdown right there at the front door. Home safe with a cup of tea now and counselling soon

[jackstini]

Hand holding and hope the counselling goes well

Depression is an awful illness and you are doing so well to get help
Keep posting if it helps

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Bloody well done op. That took some serious strength, getting her to nursery. I've been where you are. Some days id go out for a walk with my twins just to see some other people but at the same time be desperate for people not to talk to me because i would break down if they did. I felt like nobody understands. I felt invisible. I'm not sure what pushed me to get help, but if i hadn't i don't think id still be here. Some things are just too big to try and deal with on your own and there's no shame in that. Your daughter is safe and happy at nursery so now is your time to think about yourself.

What makes you feel better? Chocolate? Nice hot bath? Candles? Do that after your counselling. Give yourself permission to have a little treat. I found meditation really helpful to help clear my head. I used honest guys on YouTube. It gives me a bit of breaking space when things are not great, and then doing it regularly helped keep myself thinking a bit clearer. Good luck for your counselling, please do be honest with them about how you're feeling.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Breathing space not breaking.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Another thing I've found helpful when mine just want to play with me but i haven't got it in me - empty out a pile of random toys/kitchen implements/ literally anything on the floor and just sit on the floor with her and watch what she does with them. Don't get involved with the actual playing aside from some words of encouragement. Let her play and you just sit there. Have a nice cuppa. Free yourself from the feeling of having to play with her. That was a massive turning point for me. It's enough that I'm there sitting with them and they can come and show me things etc but i don't have to get involved in actually building/organising/playing. They absolutely love it. Once you give yourself permission to not play with her all the time, then you're relieving a bit of the pressure and guilt for not doing it. I don't know anyone who can play with their kids all day by the way. You're not alone.