I'm sorry this is probably going to be a long post. I've never posted before and I honestly don't know what I'm expecting in return but I hope that getting some things off my chest will help. I've never said alot of it out loud and I don't want to be judged please! I would like to preface by saying that my son has everything he could ever need in terms of my attention and love. He wants for nothing and is perfect in every way.
Years before son was born my now husband was very ill. I was his only carer (no family support) and I worked 24/7 for 7 years. I missed so much of my 20s, friends, a career etc. Then as he recovered my nan became terminally ill and once again it was all left to me (though my mother would tell anyone who listened that she was struggling under the weight of responsibility). Shortly after she passed we began trying for a baby. 3 years later no luck and my marriage was going through a hard patch. If I hadn't of fallen pregnant by surprise at this point I really don't know if I would've left eventually. At this point I'm working full time, doing 100% of the housekeeping, chores etc and supporting my husbands new business.
I'm not one to mkan about the NHS. On the whole I think they're brilliant but I never imagined I would be let down by pretty much every member of the maternity team I've ever encountered. Pregnancy, labour, birth and aftercare was basically non existent. I genuinely haven't seen a midwife since so was born and HV visited once and even when I said I was struggling brushed me off. I even had a midwife on the phone chew me out for calling during the shift change and ask me to call a charity cause she was fed up of going home late!! (I had a very painful infection that no one wanted to deal with). The list is endless but essentially I had no support from the NHS.
Husband at this point is useless. Baby 8 weeks old and he's never got up in the night, taken him for a few hours so I can do something for myself, doesn't help around the house. I blow my lid and he moves in with his parents for 4 weeks. My family is complicated but I have no help physically or emotionally and I'm on my own.
Somce hubby has moved back he has been more hands of with son but nothing else has changed. I am so lonely. I have no one. I know I am struggling with PND and its just getting worse and worse. I love my son but I completely regret having him. I get no break. I hate my body (have always struggled with mild eating disorder). I cry every day. I wish night after night that he would go to sleep and not wake up. I feel so guilty for thinking this but I feel cruel for having a baby I can't bond with. Sometimes when he cries I just want to drop him on the floor and walk away. I don't know what I'm doing but there's no one for me to ask for help. I can't afford childcare. Husband just tells me to fake a smile and get on with it because it's not fair on everyone else.
I know this isn't really a post with a question but I just don't know what to do. I can't cope like this anymore. I want to run away and never look back. I want to close my eyes and sleep. I want to be alone, silent! I pray for an accident or sickness to take me.
Thankyou to anyone that actually read this. I'm fed up of having to pretend to be ok.
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Mental health
PND with no support, I'm struggling
12 replies
Bethanylia · 26/07/2020 20:30
OP posts:
esmejane ·
26/07/2020 22:26
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