PND with no support, I'm struggling

[Bethanylia]

I'm sorry this is probably going to be a long post. I've never posted before and I honestly don't know what I'm expecting in return but I hope that getting some things off my chest will help. I've never said alot of it out loud and I don't want to be judged please! I would like to preface by saying that my son has everything he could ever need in terms of my attention and love. He wants for nothing and is perfect in every way.

Years before son was born my now husband was very ill. I was his only carer (no family support) and I worked 24/7 for 7 years. I missed so much of my 20s, friends, a career etc. Then as he recovered my nan became terminally ill and once again it was all left to me (though my mother would tell anyone who listened that she was struggling under the weight of responsibility). Shortly after she passed we began trying for a baby. 3 years later no luck and my marriage was going through a hard patch. If I hadn't of fallen pregnant by surprise at this point I really don't know if I would've left eventually. At this point I'm working full time, doing 100% of the housekeeping, chores etc and supporting my husbands new business.

I'm not one to mkan about the NHS. On the whole I think they're brilliant but I never imagined I would be let down by pretty much every member of the maternity team I've ever encountered. Pregnancy, labour, birth and aftercare was basically non existent. I genuinely haven't seen a midwife since so was born and HV visited once and even when I said I was struggling brushed me off. I even had a midwife on the phone chew me out for calling during the shift change and ask me to call a charity cause she was fed up of going home late!! (I had a very painful infection that no one wanted to deal with). The list is endless but essentially I had no support from the NHS.

Husband at this point is useless. Baby 8 weeks old and he's never got up in the night, taken him for a few hours so I can do something for myself, doesn't help around the house. I blow my lid and he moves in with his parents for 4 weeks. My family is complicated but I have no help physically or emotionally and I'm on my own.

Somce hubby has moved back he has been more hands of with son but nothing else has changed. I am so lonely. I have no one. I know I am struggling with PND and its just getting worse and worse. I love my son but I completely regret having him. I get no break. I hate my body (have always struggled with mild eating disorder). I cry every day. I wish night after night that he would go to sleep and not wake up. I feel so guilty for thinking this but I feel cruel for having a baby I can't bond with. Sometimes when he cries I just want to drop him on the floor and walk away. I don't know what I'm doing but there's no one for me to ask for help. I can't afford childcare. Husband just tells me to fake a smile and get on with it because it's not fair on everyone else.

I know this isn't really a post with a question but I just don't know what to do. I can't cope like this anymore. I want to run away and never look back. I want to close my eyes and sleep. I want to be alone, silent! I pray for an accident or sickness to take me.

Thankyou to anyone that actually read this. I'm fed up of having to pretend to be ok.

[OneTooManyBathtimes]

First off, I've got PND and I know how you feel. It's difficult it really is, even with family there to support you.

Secondly, I would seriously consider rethinking the marriage. Your husband needs to be helping you. It seems very one sided, and not equal at all. You're having to deal with everything, and he left you WHILE YOU WERE STRUGGLING??! Even my DH who, bless him, may also have PND, didn't leave me. He helped out, took the baby, made dinner, cleaned etc.

Do you have medication? Speak to your GP about them and phone your HV people and tell them you need help. Unfortunately, sometimes it's a case of pestering them.

I'm sorry you didn't get much support while pregnant/post partum. That does sound difficult.

Where are you? Do you know of any support groups around you can contact at all?

[sleepismysuperpower1]

I'm so sorry that you have no support. Have you been to see your GP? they will be able to offer help and support for your PND. You could also try contacting an online counselling company, such as www.positivemindworks.co/contact/ , for video counselling if you could afford that.
All the best

[Bethanylia]

I have been to my GP twice. Was referred to mental health clinic. Told it takes 2 weeks to set up. 2 weekz to the day I receive a lettet asking me to phone them so I do and was told that I had registered interest and it would be 2 weeks when i got an appointment. 2 weeks go by and a receptionist phones me to book an assessment 2 weeks later. I get a call for an assessment where the nurse tells me that they're very busy right now so I can't have an appointment but a member of the team will call and check on me in the next few weeks at some point. This is the point I give up.

HV have only met once for 10mins. She wasn't even going to come to see me after son was born because they were too busy but I insisted. Told her my issues and basically got a 'you look fine to me' (I find it difficult to be overly emotional in front of people but I was very honest). Went to weight him at 6 months old at clinic and was told to hurry up, wanted to closeclinic early (there was still 30mins to go) and all HVs left the room to stand and chat outside.

Rang a charity line recommended by a mumsnetter on a different post but was told off to tears by woman because I gave up breastfeeding.

I keep asking for help but I can't keep being rejected like this.

[Bethanylia]

And I am wanting to leave husband long term but without the little help I recieve right now I think I would crumble. When son is a bit older, sleeps better and goes to nursery I might be able to face it.

[OneTooManyBathtimes]

I'm so sorry you're having to fight your way to getting help. You really do need to speak to a HV again though and tell them exactly how bad things are. You're quite within your right to change HV as well.

I hope things work out for you. In the meantime, there's an app called 7 cups that might help. I use it when I'm at my lowest. They help you chat to people who are trained, or who are volunteers, about different topics. It might be a lifeline if you have no one else to turn to when you need it most.

I hope your baby sleeps more soon, and start taking it easy on yourself. Do as little as you can handle, just so you can breathe. Your husband needs to step up.

[Bethanylia]

Thanks, will try that app. To be honest I feel there's no point trying with HVs again. Every midwife/HV in my area very clearly is swamped with work and not really interested.

Thanks for replying though. All I want is to be listened to and taken seriously, even if it is on a platform like this. I'm sick of having to smile at my family and friends who know I'm unhappy but really couldn't care as long as it doesn't effect them.

[Bethanylia]

Thanks for the suggestion but no husband WON'T take him for a weekend and I'm not in a position to trust in laws or my mum with a baby. I would have my sister but she lives 4 hours away.

To be fair my GP was very good at referring me quickly but was stalled from the other side. I know it sounds silly but I'm fed up of always begging for help. I've asked everybody (HVs, midwifes, GPs, charities) and I've been very honest but it's always made clear that I'm not that important. At this point any help I get is going to be forced and I want someone to care enough to help.

I'm aware all my posts are very negative sounding but I'm a pretty practical person in general and have tried alot of different options before this point.

[usethedata]

Your GP could prescribe antidepressants though, which could start to help while you wait for the appointment with mental health. If the GP was fairly responsive I would try again there. But it's important you say all the things you have said here so they know the extent of it. This can get a lot better. PND is awful but treatable

[Someone1987]

What mental health team were you referred to? The wellbeing service?

[BlackSwan]

How awful - your husband is a bloody disgrace. So easy to just opt out when the going gets tough. It must feel like a real slap in the face to have him behave so selfishly. Given all you did for him while he was unwell, and now when he should be sharing the load of parenthood he leaves you to it. Utter fucking bastard.
I had PND and I found escitalopram really helped.
Definitely get some medication to help you through this. But you really need practical help and sleep. If family can't assist - is paid help an option?

[BlackSwan]

I stopped breastfeeding after little over a week. Breast feeding guilt and PND closely related. Fuck anyone who gives you grief for it.