DS behaviour getting me down, need to vent (sorry long)

[xxxviii]

Last night:

DS unhappy with cold chicken on his plate. I heat it up, but there's lemon juice on it, he's angry about that. I'm trying to eat myself and suggest he removes chicken from plate, ask his dad to help, or else he can wait for me to finish eating.

DS sulks... DS3 tries to play with DS1, DS1 kicks DS3 hard. Next DS1 drags DS2 around screaming, very much taking anger out on DS2. I chuck DS1 out in the garden and tell him I'm very angry at him, he needs to think about things.

DH tries to speak to DS1. Next thing, DS1 throws a stone hard at patio door (tg safety glass didn't break).

DH goes ballistic, shouts furiously at DS1 who would run off but DH pins him down on floor... little later DS1 is so angry at DH he writes a note telling DH that he (DH) is a nasty person who should leave the family, DH ends up in tears. DH afraid he over-reacted, but I don't think DH did....

It just feels like whole family has to walk around on eggshells with DS1, lest he have these violent outbursts. DS1 rarely cooperates with family outings. Only one parent gets to go out with others, other parent stuck at home with DS1. Other DSs don't get angry like DS1, other DSs like being part of the family, DS1 behaviour really getting me down.

I have a free-standing boxing punchbag on order, but doubt DS will use it. If I say "Go beat up on your punchbag and then come back and maybe we can work things out?" DS won't have the composure to do it. Even if I brought him paper and pencil to draw or write out his anger, and otherwise kept the other children away from wherever in the house DS1 is -- I'm pandering to his anger again, aren't I? DS1 the boss, rest of us cowering around his violent temper.

Tried reflective listening they describe in How to Talk so Kids will Listen..., but that ends in nowhere, DS still furious, still dangerous, me ran out of ideas for another neutral way to acknowledge his feelings and hope he'll defuse.

Don't expect any answers, just am fed up of parenting books and classes that only make me feel inadeqate in the end -- don't think they deal with anger like this. Can't find anything about anger management classes for boys this age (in our area). DS tried karate (hated it), disinterested in other after school activities.

DS1 doesn't erupt daily, but he's very prone to it at any moment, and when he does he's SO out of control so quickly, it's getting us down enormously. DS1 behaves at school (mostly). Just needed to moan.

[HonoriaGlossop]

Oh I'm so sorry, it does sound a struggle. FWIW I think your DH really escalated the situation yesterday. You had put him outside the think - great. DH obviously approached him at totally the wrong time, made him more angry then physically pinned him to the floor! I'm sorry to offend but that was truly unecessary and unhelpful on his part.

If ds is being put somewhere to think, then that's what needs to happen.

I think if I was in this situation I would keep a diary of when these things occur, and what the triggers are.

It might tell you something you haven't hit on yet, just possibly. It might help you to avoid certain things or doing certain things at certain times.

I'd have one agreed place for ds to go for time out, whether it's outside or his room or whatever and I'd keep that totally firm and consistent.

Also worth a look at the time with you that he's getting and the quality of interaction; ALL kids like time and attention and as he's one of three he might be really struggling in that area....can you see anything in his life that might be giving him some frustration? It's usually a build up of pent-up frustration that leads to these outbursts.....

and keep talking and communicating with him, I'm sure it will pay off in the end.....

[HonoriaGlossop]

oops 'outside TO think'

[LucyJones]

sounds a very hard sitaution to be in and I agree with everything HG has said.
How old is ds1? Is he going through adolescence? Just started secondary school?

[lucyellensmum]

Phew, what a palava!! It must be very stressful for you. You don't say how old DS1 is. I guess it is easy to get cross with ds1 quite quickly as you know his behaviour is just going to escalate. I personally dont think much of all the supernanny stuff, each child is different but thats just a personal opinion, Also, i have to admit, my DD very much rules this house, and she is only 2!!

Children really know how to press the buttons, poor DH, that must have been very hurtful for him. I have had similar problems between DD1 and her SD. She knows i tend to take her side and she can be very manipulative between the two of us. Its just her being a teen and essentially she is a good kid, but sometimes i find myself saying to dp, you are playing into her hands. Do you think that is what is going on with DS, he is manipulating you into reacting in a way that you don't like (you have to react that way though, im not saying you doing the wrong thing) and then he plays his trump card of emotional blackmail.

I'm not for one minute suggesting that your son is manipulative in a nasty way, just a normal, intelligent child way.

I don't really have any sound advice to offer though as ive never had sibling issues. DD1 is 17 and dd2 is 2, admittedly dd1 is jealous of dd2 but that is due to the big age gap.

Anyway, i just wanted to post. Maybe you could look at his diet? does he have lots of sugar etc? Not suggesting he does. Perhaps you could keep a diary, noting down the triggers, obvious and not so obvious.

Ok, im just waffling ideas now, its very easy to offer advice, i have this all to come again im sure. DD1 has her mothers temper, no reason why dd2 wont

[lucyellensmum]

spooky honoria, i just x posted about triggers, great minds?

[HonoriaGlossop]

absolutely lucy

[LucyJones]

hope you are ok xxx