Have changed my name as just can't face fessing up to the mess I exist in.
I am an extraordinarily lucky woman. I have a moderately functional family, two healthy and happy sons, a loving DH whom I adore, a beautiful house, financial security, a job I enjoy etc etc etc. My cup seriously runneth over.
The thing is I ruin it all for myself by being totally negative about things, worrying about stuff, getting in a stew and, in particular obsesing about my health.
I'm particulary terrified of cancer and every day I'm convinced that my symptoms fit something I've read in the news / on here or something. I also worry that my worrying will actually cause cancer, in a kind of self fulfilling prohecy kind of way.
I really, really don't know what to do about it. I'm totally terrified of dying and worry about what would happen to my children and how the loss of their mother could affect them. I think about it in terms that someone already diagnosed with a terminal illness might. I haven't quite planned my funeral but to be honest I sometimes get so into the whole fear that I'm almost at that point.
I go the GP immediately anything worries me, and quite frankly it's laughable how often I've been there in the last 6 months. When I get there I present the public facade of being mildly concerned and 'oh I'm just checking' kind of lighthearted approach that I give to most people when in reality I've been awake all night thinking the absolute worst. I can't bear to tell the real story as GP's just write off hypochondriacs. Also GP's will just give me AD's which I really don't want to get as I want to try and beat this anxiety rather than mask it. Am also scared of taking them.
My poor DH of course sees the real me and it's beyond him. He can't understand why I'm so scared of illness and being a bloke he's not a high scorer on empathy. It's fair to say his sympathy supply is near empty. He thinks I am like this for attention, but if that is the case the attention is so negative and I put myself through so much trauma in the process that I just don't really feel that's the root of it. My family know I'm a bit of a worrier (it's a famly joke) but don't know the half of it and I don't want them to either.
The bottom line is I really need help in tackling this. It's horrible living like this - constantly on the look out of possible symptoms of illness, feeling permanently anxious to the extent that physical symptoms to start to present themselves and I get even more stressed.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to get help. I don't know if anyone else is like this. I feel alone and scared.
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Mental health
Scared of living, scared of dying
42 replies
ghostinthemachine · 25/09/2007 18:19
OP posts:
Psychobabble ·
25/09/2007 20:29
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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