Has anyone felt like running and running and not coming back? Well I did today and I couldn't do it.

[Ranawaybutcouldnotdoit]

I have suffered with depression in the past but for the last week or so I have felt that big grey lump of cotton wool in my head again. Today was just the tip of the iceberg. DH told me he was finding me really hard to live with and that I was making him feel miserable as I was being constantly unhappy and so I asked him why he just didn't leave. I told him not to leave and instead I would. I grabbed my bag and got in the car and drove. I had no idea where I was going or where I was heading. Ended up going to a shop and just staring at nothing in particular for a good hour. DH sent me text messages asking if I was ok but I read them and just didn't have it in me to reply. All I kept thinking about was whether or not I would go home and that if I didn't I wouldn't be missed anyway as I'm so miserable all the time. Thought everyone would be better off without me.
I managed to stay out for about an hour and a half and couldn't do it anymore and so drove back home. My children asked me where I had been and I just said I'd had a little drive. DH hugged me and asked why I was so unhappy. And do you know I couldn't tell him why I was unhappy. I had no idea myself. He hugged me and I just cried and cried. It's been a tough day today but I'm feeling a little better now.

[BBBee]

have you seen your gp for your current depression?

you cannot carry on like this. Really you can't.

[yama]

I know there will be others who will post with good advice.

Thought I'd post to say that your dh sounds lovely and of course no-one would be better off without you.

I hope it helped writing it down.

[BBBee]

how were you treated for depression before?

[Ranawaybutcouldnotdoit]

DH is lovely. In fact I think he's the best anyone could ever have. It's just me. I know I'm not well. I have had help in the past for my depression and have been feeling quite well for some time now but things seems to be getting on top of me again and I don't know why. I wouldn't do anything to harm myself. I think today was just a bit of time out for myself in a strange sort of way. I'm beating myself up a lot as well. My mother had depression when I was a kid and I remember a lot of it and swore that I would never turn out like her, would never be that burden to my kids as she was to me as a child. And here I am doing exactly what I don't want to happen. It's frustrating not being in control of my own body. Sounds weird doesn't it but that's how it is.

[newlifenewname]

Oh dear you must have felt quite dreadful. I did this once but my dp at the time phoned the police and they locked me up in a psychiatric unit for half a day and I soon saw sense and just wanted to be home. Do you feel relieved to be home right now or do you just feel empty still?

Are you taking ADs now?

[Ranawaybutcouldnotdoit]

BBBee I have been on ADS and have also had counselling sessions which I found very helpful. Maybe it's time to stop being stubborn and get some more help.

[newlifenewname]

Maybe. I was being vry stubborn about the same thing until last week. I still feel pretty crappy but 3/4 days into new ADs and I don't feel quite so at the end of the line. Could you make an appointment first thing Monday?

[fihi]

sendin u hugs. I know we're all different -but u have written an account that word for word could have been me.
Please see ur GP, you probably think u can't /why bother / it'll go away sometime but it's much easier to get thru with help. Keep postin on here, u r amongst friends, even if we're only virtual...
I'm stil having treatment for PND - even tho the "baby's" almost two. It can happen at any time, and looks like no explanation.

[Ranawaybutcouldnotdoit]

Not on ADS anymore. That hour and a half that I was out felt like a whole day. I told myself that I was going to stay out at least until it got dark. I just couldn't do it. I told myself I was being selfish and that my children needed me. I also told myself that it wasn't DHs fault and that I shouldn't be hurting him.

[Ranawaybutcouldnotdoit]

Thankyou everyone you are being so kind. I have lots of tears again now, but better out than in they say don't they?
Am actually relaxing with a couple of glasses of wine and am going to head for bed shortly. Sleep works wonders doesn't it?

[fihi]

Can u talk to DH - i mean really really talk? try even if it's a muddle to u? Mine said at one point he didn't know me any more but we talked and talked and in the end it was him who helped me understand it all. DH's are fab they love u thru everything, and u have a lovely one.

[yama]

Sleep is great ranaway. One thing (and this pains me to say) is that whenever I feel a bit down I give up the wine for a few days. I hate having to do it but it does help.