This may be a long one - I NEED ADVICE PLEASE

[hazypops]

Ive been feeling really down since my son was a month old. He just turned 1years old on Thurs. The thing is ive been depressed before and i know the symptoms but dont know how to face them this time. You see i am madly in love with my partner and i think thats the main problem. I know it sounds strange to say that, but since ive been feeling down i have become very jealous etc where he is involved. I am always checking his phone, wanting to know who he talks to etc at work ( he started new job in Jan, he is a manager and all his workers are female) i have become obsessed thinking something is going on with one of them, even though i know he loves me very much and would not do anything to hurt me. I think one thing is we are not married, not engaged, not so much as an eternity ring and i have it in my mad head that he doesnt want the commitment incase he meets someone else. I am going insane. Ive been depressed before when i split from my first husband, he was nasty man and i had to have the police on numerous occasion when he threatened to kill me etc. If you read my profile you will see my pics and can tell as i know deep down i have a wonderful family, so why do i feel i want to end everything. My doc thinks i wasted her time last time i went for advice and spilled my guts out to her, she wanted to know why i hadnt spoke to my HV yea right as if! Someone please cheer me up or tell my off for being such a dozy cow and not getting on with life, for at the moment i cant get myself right. Ps i totally adore my 3 kids and love them with all my heart, and i could not live without my DP either.
Thanks for taking the time to read this rather longwinded thread. H x

[hazypops]

Is anybody there??? Oh well, i have noone to talk to here at home and now no one on mumsnet. May as well go throw myself from the white cliffs. sorry i shouldnt have said that, sorry everyone. Sorry is the only word in my vocab at mo wether its my fault or not. Sorry. x

[ScoobyDooooo]

Just off to read now x

[notolerance]

Stop & stick with it! Depression is an awful condition that is v.hard to understand. I have suffered for over 8 years now & please talk to me as I'm stil around! xx

[ScoobyDooooo]

Firstly i think you sound a bit down, you can always speak with your hv they are lovely, i had PND & was totally in denial i eventually told my hv & saw my doctor & it really helped me are you on ad's?

Secondly you sound like you are a little insecure (i have been there, it's hard) try not to worry about your dp if he loves you he will not be doing anything else, if he is going to do anything you can't stop it so there is no need to check.

Is it just women in general you feel insecure about?

[hazypops]

Thanks you. Its hard to know where to start isnt it, you know when someone asks you how you feel, well i never know what to say, because ive not really got any friends since giving up work two years ago and not got close family, talking, i mean real talking is really difficult for me. At this very moment i feel sad, tired, overweight, the list could go on, but the worst feeling is of being lonely. Ok ive got Dp and 3 fantastic kids but i am alone really. DP works long hours-which in turn gets the mind racing as to why hes late etc who is he with etc, DS1 is a baby and cant converse with me and my dd 1 and 2 well there at that age where makeup etc is all that matters and i cant really burden them with my worries that would not be fair, they are darlings and mum is there for them not the otherway round i feel. I will keep writing to let you know how im feeling. Oh there he goes again DP having a go at me because im on the comp. Wants to know what im writing and is mad as i dont want to talk to him about it. Im feeling rather tired right now so am gonna have a glass of wine then go to bed. Thanks again for listening to me. H x

[hazypops]

Im not on AD at he mo. The doc gave me some but she made me feel so small that i threw them away.
Yes i am very insecure. You see when i met my DP i was very slim, tanned, confident, had lots of friends and was very outgoing, never at home loved going out etc. Since haveing DS1 ive become overweight, dont go out have lost all my confidence, so yes females do worry me. Im not worried about my partner i just worry that some witch will try to take him from me even though deep down in my heart i know he wont cheat, but i do know if i keep going on the way i do he may eventually feel he can do no more and dumpme. Sad i know, but is this the PND doing this to me?