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How do i sort my life out

(39 Posts)
theoffice Mon 11-Oct-04 07:08:40

I drink to much, so much so i think i am an alcoholic. i cant stop. I am scared to ask for help in case SS take my kids off me.

I feel I cant cope with myself or my emotions. My kids deserve better than me. All i ever wanted was to have children to love and cherish, but I am not a good mum. I feel selfish and resentful of them and the life i have got.

I really need to sort myself out but i dont know where to start

MummyToSteven Mon 11-Oct-04 09:16:38

hi theoffice, not really got any expertise in this but didn't want to let it go unresponded to.

have you spoken to AA at the moment? If you go to them I wouldn't imagine that there would be anyway "the authorities" would find out. Also as well they could reassure you as to whether SS are likely to take any interest if you approached your GP for treatment.

Off the top of my head, I wouldn't have thought that your GP would automatically notify SS if you had an alcohol problem in any case, but would only do that if he/she felt your kids were at any risk. If you do ask your GP for help now, before things reach absolute rock bottom, even if SS do become involved, then I would imagine that would make things a lot easier, and SS would be more sympathetic to you. The problem is that if you don't seek help now, is there realistically any reason that things would get better by themselves if you don't seek any type of professional help.

It may also be a good idea to talk to your GP as there may well be issues in your life that have led you to drink or depression/anxiety issues that you could do with specialist help for in addition to the actual drinking problem.

Hope somebody is along soon with more help.

take care

joanneg Mon 11-Oct-04 09:17:54

theoffice. This is a really good first step and it is great that you realise that you have a problem. You need to deal with one problem at a time. First I would get help for the drinking. If you are worried about getting help, why dont you do it without giving your name. You could try the site of links to self help support on the net or you could try caling the samaritans
Do you have much support at home? ((hugs)) to you . you are so brave for facing up to your problems, and not a bad mother. You are just going through a bad time. Jo x

spacemonkey Mon 11-Oct-04 09:19:25

no expertise here either theoffice, but I'm sure you will receive some excellent advice from others

I think the fact you've posted on here about it and reached the stage where you know you have a problem is the biggest step. MummytoSteven's advice sounds good, and do keep posting on mumsnet for support.

Good luck xxx

anorak Mon 11-Oct-04 09:47:32

Hello theoffice. My mother was an alcoholic, she was worse than no mother at all. On top of doing all the tasks mothers normally do, my sister, brother and I had to endure violence, bullying and emotional abuse from her. My father was so busy trying to deal with her on a day-to-day basis that he had nothing left for a long-term strategy or to help his children through it.

I understand that my mother had her own issues and difficulties, but help was not really available in those days, and this kind of environment was swept under the carpet by society. The result is that my siblings and I, in our 30s and 40s now, still have issues of insecurity, depression, resentment about what we missed, fear of bullies, etc. We tend to gravitate towards people with immense emotional needs and no understanding of ours. We all have children from broken relationships who have had their own crosses to bear. I had to have a year of therapy three times a week before I could change my life. I have had to work like a dog all my life because I had no education, I felt forced to leave home on my 16th birthday because I couldn't bear another day of being hit and ridiculed.

You may think you could never be like that, but if you are an alcoholic you certainly could be, 5, 10, or 20 years down the line. I am sure my mother couldn't remember most of her abuse. But I and my siblings sure do.

She is dead now, of course. Died on the floor of her bedroom after drinking a bottle of vodka substitute in one hour on her own. She had a terrible life, no happiness, terrible illness day by day.

I wish with all my heart she had done what you are doing and asked someone for help and guidance. I don't remember her fondly. When she died I felt sad that she had wasted her life but relieved that the rest of us could get on with ours. I would hate for that to happen to you.

Help is available these days. Society recognises and understands the problem of addiction. Go to your GP, go to AA, take every available avenue of help. I particularly favour psychotherapy as I believe this type of illness begins with our own sadnesses and difficulties.

Only if you do not see your GP or AA should you fear losing you family. Because you will, even if they never leave your house.

Have courage, do not be like my mother. Take your life back for yourself. Your family deserve a lovely mother and you deserve to be that mother.

Good luck...I will always be here for you if you want to CAT me...there is nothing a determined woman cannot do. xxx

TraceyP Mon 11-Oct-04 09:54:42

Oh, anorak, what a terribly sad thing. Please, theoffice, listen to what anorak has said. If nothing else it should show you how much worse things would be if you didn't seek help than they will be if you do. You need to look after yourself before you can feel like a good mother to your kids.

Please, please go to your GP and tell him what you've told us. He will know where you should start.

agy Mon 11-Oct-04 10:01:49

Start with your gp. Tell him exactly what you've said here. You've obviously got out of kilter emotionally and need a bit of help getting back to your usual self. I'd say go and take what's on offer. It'll be ok.

ponygirl Mon 11-Oct-04 10:06:07

Anorak, what a brave, strong post. theoffice, I hope what anorak and other have said helps. I agree that you've made a hugely important first step. Please get the help you need. All the support you need is here. xxx

theoffice Mon 11-Oct-04 10:35:20

Thank you all for your posts. I am sat here crying. I feel so ill this morning and I know I cant carry on like this. I feel ill and I feel tormented by my own lack of self restraint. Apart from anything I cant even afford to drink so much.

There are certainly very many issues as to why I drink. I do use it as an 'escape' mechanism and it is very destructive. My husband thinks I am an alcoholic too, but he drinks aswell, but not to excess like I do, and I cant stop when there is drink in the house.

I feel scared that if I see a counsellor it will open a whole can of worms and I wont be able to cope with it. I am most probably not making any sense. I feel so confused

agy Mon 11-Oct-04 10:38:24

Just manage the first little step to-day theoffice. Pick up the phone and make the appointment with your gp. Even doing that might make you start to feel better.

spacemonkey Mon 11-Oct-04 10:40:33

You are being very brave theoffice. I know it must seem daunting. Ring your gp and keep posting here X

TraceyP Mon 11-Oct-04 10:42:06

Agy's right, you need to take it all one step at a time. You have taken the first step by admitting you have a problem and telling us about it. That took a lot of doing, but you did it, and you can take the next step, too. All you have to do for today is ring the doctors and make an appointment. Then take each step as it comes.

Good luck, and please keep talking to us and letting us know how you are.

MummyToSteven Mon 11-Oct-04 10:43:50

you are making sense, theoffice. i know that counselling seems scary - but drinking too much is also a very scary "coping" mechanism too, and a very temporary one at that - where as counselling/therapy can give you the chance to sort things out for good. Alcohol is an enormous downer as well the day after; over and above feelings of guilt/physical hangover symptoms, it acts as a depressant. It really does make things far worse.

Good counselling/psychotherapy will not make you "wallow" in your past, but will give you the tools to think more positively/deal more positively with stresses and strains of your day to day life, without turning to drink. You will at the very least need to go through your past history at some point with the counsellor/therapist so they can see the influences that have shaped you. If you see a counsellor who is used to dealing with people with drink/drug problems they will know how to "pace" you.

Would your husband agree to not having alcohol in the house? Do you think he might have an alcohol dependency problem?

anorak Mon 11-Oct-04 17:06:17

Hello again, theoffice. I received your CAT so I am a bit more in the picture. I believe you have had a very stressful time over the last few months, has the drinking become worse over that period?

Don't be afraid of counsellors and psychotherapists. Yes, they will open that can of worms. It is high time you opened it. Cans of worms may be carried only for as long as they do not weigh you down. When their weight becomes so heavy that it impedes your everyday life, or your even reach the stage when you think normal everyday functioning is threatened, it is time to open them and look at the contents.

You might not like what you find there. I can almost guarantee it; after all, if all was sunshine and flowers you wouldn't be reaching for a bottle to blot out the pain. But they only way to overcome the past is to look at it squarely, recognise it for what it is and once you have thoroughly examined it and unravelled it, you will be able to file it away neatly where it will never trouble you again. Therapists know how to help you find the things within you that are troubling you. They know how to guide your thoughts to the memories that haunt and hurt you. They gently lead you through the process of untangling all the knots until everything is spread in front of you and you can see it all and understand it.

Alcohol is an escape from the pain of everyday life. But it is a dead-end solution. Therapy has the promise of a new kind of happiness riding on it.

Alcoholics love and hate their drinks. They make them ill, give them dreadful headaches and sickness day by day, lead to long-term and more serious illnesses such as cancer, heart disease, hepatitis, jaundice, cirrhosis, liver failure, ulcers, kidney failure...yada yada. Your brain cells are decimated. Your bank balance diminishes. Your family are embarrassed by you. You smell. You wake up in the morning with bruises and injuries you cannot remember. You lose friends by behaving ridiculously in front of them. Your family tread on eggshells all the time, they never know if you are in a good mood or not. People lose respect for you and laugh at you behind your back. They feel sorry for you. You have to hide your drinks so no one will know how much you are consuming. You fall out of bed. You miss important outings because you are too pissed to go. You spend Christmas day in bed while the whole family waits for you to wake up so they can give you presents.

And at the end of all this, you still have your problems that drove you to it in the first place.

Please open the can of worms. The alternative is far more frightening, isn't it?

beachyhead Mon 11-Oct-04 17:11:51

will most gp's pass you through to a psychotherapist quite quickly? Does anyone know? I'm asking really on behalf of theoffice as once you have taken the first step, you really want the process to flow quite quickly.

good luck the office - you've started on the right road now

anorak Mon 11-Oct-04 17:14:09

A good GP would refer you straight away but there might be a waiting time for appointments. My dh wanted a therapist and there was a 6 week waiting list for him so he went private.

MummyToSteven Mon 11-Oct-04 17:16:26

yes, agree with anorak. the problem (hopefully) isn't getting your GP to refer you to a psychotherapist, the problem will be the size of the waiting list, which will vary from area to area. it is also possible to arrange to see a psychotherapist privately, which does not always require a GP referal. Likely cost £35-£50 per session.

theoffice Mon 11-Oct-04 18:12:43

Thank you everyone for your messages, especially you anorak, you have made me cry yet again! Yes the drinking has got worse in the last 4 months. Escalated quite quickly too and I am frightened that it will carry on escalating iykwim. I realise my problems are very deep rooted and that alcohol is not the 'only' problem.

I just want to be 'me' again. I dont like who I am and what I have or are becoming. I dont fear death, which is most probably why I drink so excessively. My children dont deserve this and neither do my family.

I am going to pop into my doctors tommorrow and ask for a referal to a therapist/counsellor. I need to do this, my children NEED me.

I feel so crap, honestly.

theoffice Mon 11-Oct-04 18:13:14

paying private is out of the question too, I'm afraid

anorak Mon 11-Oct-04 18:25:33

theoffice, you don't need to fear death to fear a life dogged by illness and a family who are ashamed of you.

I remember my mother suffering from the following:

jaundice
fatty cysts
bronchitis
asthma
heavy periods leading to hysterectomy
migraine
arthritis
insomnia
overactive thyroid
depression
agrophobia

That is just what I can remember without thinking too hard. Most of these illnesses were chronic and/or recurring. She was admitted to hospital more times than I can count. She had several operations. She tried to commit suicide several times. Each time her family had to sit at her bedside and be insulted by nursing staff whom she had told we did not care about her and that was why she was as she was.

Maybe she would have had such poor health if she hadn't been an alcoholic. What do you reckon?

It took her 25 years to drink herself to death, 25 years of misery. Maybe she wasn't afraid of death either. There are worse things. Like never living.

agy Mon 11-Oct-04 18:28:48

You're right theoffice, your children do need you. and you're making a good first step tomorrow. Good luck.

theoffice Mon 11-Oct-04 18:31:06

that is why I have posted anorak, I am miserable now, I cant carry on like this. I hate being ill too, so would like to avoid it not inflict it on myself.

I dont want my children to hate me, or my husband. They are my world and I love them to death but I just feel I am spiralling. That is not good for them or for me.

anorak Mon 11-Oct-04 18:36:47

The fact that you love your dh and kids so much tells me that the pain that drives you to drink is from the past. That's a good thing! It's much easier to deal with than something that's ongoing! You have a fantastic dh and kids to help you get through.

And from what you said in your email it sounds like the past is the problem - parents? Oh, parents, how they f**k you up!!

But you can get over the damage they do. Believe it! You are talking to someone who has done just that.

Slink Mon 11-Oct-04 19:35:32

the office hi just read this thread, really sorry you are feeling really low, and agree with the others you have made a great start by just chatting on here. Maybe away from mums net you could engage with someone and feel able to open up, you just need to talk to spmeone problem shared and all.
I don't know the stem of your probs but was reading the last message about maybe parents well i can relate to that i am going throough some crap myself in brief: my dad has remarried whilst married to my mum all his family think it is great my mum has been leaving him for the last yr each one of my sisters is taking it really bad i am everyones sounding board incl my dads which is hard mil lives with me, i am her carer trying to do best by dd and dh and sil are shit help..............

see i feel just a little better put the drink down talk, get rid of all the bottles in the house go to AA get someone to go with you gook luck love slinkxxxxxx

yurtgirl Mon 11-Oct-04 20:15:55

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