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Family and partners - how do they cope with my mentalness?!!?

(13 Posts)
ruby7 Mon 17-Sep-07 10:24:39

Me again. Just wondering if anyone had any similar experiences - my DP is becoming really distant, and I'm aware all his friends and family are all asking him how I am all the time. It's awful. I feel so bad for him, and my DS of course. I'm ruining their lives with my anxiety/depression. I'm on meds, exercise, having CBT, etc etc etc, and doing everything I can, but now I'm labelled as 'depressed/anxious' I feel that's what defines me, and I will never get over it and that nothing will help.

Anyway, the responsibility of having to get better for him and them is making me so claustrophobic, I feeel like I should leave him for his own good.

His mother is staying this weekend, and she's lovely. But it's recently been announced to the family that I'm depressed and it's now spirallling in to a massive big deal that everyone is involved in, and I feel so judged. I wish to God I could pull myself together. I love my life, but just can't seem to live it. I've turned into someone I hate. And now I think the family does too. My mother won't really talk to me about it anymore.

I feel like I don't have anyone in my life who isn't judging me.

stripeytiger Mon 17-Sep-07 10:44:15

Hi ruby7. Your post makes me feel so sad Please don't think it is your responsiblity to get better for him. It is his responsibility to help you through this. The very last thing you need is that pressure. I also suffer with depression and when I was married h was very cold and would rather not talk about it. He never accepted and never has to this day, that the reason I was depressed was partly because of the way he was with me and the children. What makes me cross is the way people label others with depression, it is a medical condition just like any other illness and you need help and support. I'm sorry you feel you don't have anyone to talk to, but you will get through this and please don't think you are ruining anyone's life, you aren't. The fact that you have admitted that you have a problem with depression and have sought help demonstrates your courage and commitment to get better. You don't need to pull yourself together, it doesn't work like that, you are suffering with an illness and with the right help, treatment and support you will come through it.

I am sure you will get loads of support here on mumsnet and I wish you all the very best.

ruby7 Mon 17-Sep-07 12:29:13

Thanks Stripey. I feel like an object on display. I'm not like this - I'm a fun and happy and outgoing person. I just don't understand what's happening to me. I know I don't really need to worry about the rest of them, but I'm so worried for my DP and DS. There's only three of us and one part of the triangle is a wreck and how do they survive that? I think I should leave them.

calebsmum Mon 17-Sep-07 14:57:44

Hi Ruby7, I also suffer with depression and anxiety and wonder how my DP and DS cope with me. It's hard but I remember how I am when i'm well and that these horrid feelings will pass. It's hard if you feel everyone's judging you and i'd be a bit pissed if someone took it upon themselves to 'announce' my illness without my consent!

Have you been depressed/anxious before? If so just remember it passed that time and it will pass this time. Keep going your not alone in feeling like this

Bumblelion Mon 17-Sep-07 15:05:44

I can only speak as a daughter of someone who has suffered depression in the past.

My mum is currently well, but she has had 4/5 breakdowns in the past, 3 of which culminated in her being hospitalised. The first time I was 9 or so, and I remember thinking it must be my fault and how could I make her better/happy.

The last 2 have been since my dad died suddenly at the age of 56 and I felt I had to be the one that was there for her.

When alive, my dad didn't really help my mum much - not because she didn't care but he didn't know how to. He loved her to bits but couldn't make her better.

The last time my mum was hospitalised (3 years at Christmas), I was mortified, hysterical and unbeliving that she was in that horrible place. She was in there for 4 months and then became well and has been well since. I came to realise, as an adult, that it was the best place for her and I had to get over my insecurities at her being in there. I remember visiting her in the same ward/hospital when I was 9 and then just after my firt-born was born (my mum became poorly - as we call it - 10 days after the birth of my daughter).

Seeing my mum in there brought back memories of being so young and then being such a young (as in newborn baby) mother.

I tell my mum all the time now that she is well that I love her and always will but sometimes I find it hard to show that love when she is poorly. I do not judge her, she cannot help it but I have also come to realise that it is nothing to do with me. If I could wave a magic wand to make her better, but I can't and I now accept that.

Not sure if that helped but just giving a family member's perspective.

Sax Mon 17-Sep-07 16:13:52

Ruby, its very easy to become inward and have bad thoughts when we are depressed. I feel you need your partners support and need to remember you NEED TO BE there for your child.
I hope you are on tablets to help you through this difficult period, nothing stays the same, the feelings will reduce therefore keeping a family unit is the main importance here!
Well done for posting, you are doing great annalyising your feelings here. No one is judging you its a lack of understanding only. Detach yourself from those you feel are being judgemental, its not their fault, I personally feel no one understands depression until they have experienced it first hand.
You won't alwaqys hate yourself, ask the GP for support and once on the right dose and tabs you will cope. Beleive that!

lucyellensmum Mon 17-Sep-07 16:55:25

ruby7 i am sorry you are feeling so shit, i can empathise as i am in a similar situation. My DP is really not handling my depression so well, he just doesnt get it - he says, why can't i just live my life, my reaction to this is, you should be in my head!

Please don't feel judged, your family are most likely just worried for you, i dont really have any family apart from my mum and she is physically poorly so i dont have this issue. Why do your inlaws need to know about this? just wondering is all.

My doctor sums it up so well, she said to DP, if LEM had a chronic bad back, you woudlnt be sitting there asking why she can't just get better, you would be wanting to know what can be done to help. The problem with mental illness is that its so complex and the doctors aren't equipped, i feel to give it the attention it needs.

I have felt exactly the same as you, i should leave DP for his own good, that he hates me and would really prefer me to leave, i guess a part of that is true, he is under so much pressure himself. BUT thats not my problem, i can't take on board his problems just now, i have to sort out my own head. IVe not done any more than take ADs but they have helped me alot. I was verging on manic before, i look back at some of the things i was doing, it was madness, quite literally.

Your mum, just doesnt get it, thats all, dont be too hard on her, but dont be too hard on yourself either. You are not alone, i honestly could have written your OP. I find it a great help just to read that i am not alone in this illness and that we can and will get better.

ruby7 Mon 17-Sep-07 19:07:04

Oh God, I've just been to see a new CBT lady. She says I'm obsessionally worrying in order to prevent bad stuff happening - we do it subconsciously apparently. I'm also listening to my critic who is telling me bad stuff about myself all the time.

You see I don't really feel depressed with my life - I really love it, but I just get myself in to a horrible negative thought bog. I know this is going off the point but has anyone been diagnosed with this kind of thing?

And yes, I can just see my DP's face when he comes home and asks me about my appointment and I tell him it hasn't really helped....

lucyellensmum Mon 17-Sep-07 19:35:13

ruby7 are you sure you are not me? i may not have been diagnosed with this, i know it - it describes me to a T. Weird aren't we wink. Actually its not funny at all is it? I dont have time to post now, tell me more about the CBT though as i would love to have it myself, just cant get it on NHS around here.

ruby7 Mon 17-Sep-07 21:47:23

Hi LEM - i know. its not funny. if only we knew how to make it better! I really really really think you should go to a CBT person asap. lots of them do means-tested fees. xxx

ruby7 Mon 17-Sep-07 21:49:45

i think it would make you feel miles better. i am very contrary and always try to find fault with everything they say and try to find counter-arguments - and the woman i had before talked really slowly and really annoyed me. the one im having at the moment is better but talks really fast and is a bit 'jungian' - but the principles are there. all about not paying attention to your thoughts, and how they're not you. which is really good to hear. i've been so low coz i think i'm really negative, but it's not me. the real me is not like that. GO ON - DO IT!!!!! XXX

ruby7 Mon 17-Sep-07 22:07:44

And thank you Caleb's Mum, Bumble and Sax. You're very kind xx

ruby7 Mon 17-Sep-07 22:09:37

And LEM, have you seen how many responses you've got to the 'I can't make friends' thread? I've made a chum in my area on it! There are thousands of responses! And you think you can't make friends! XX

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