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Mental health

Suicidal thoughts

26 replies

Imogen2489 · 26/03/2020 07:30

I don't feel I can cope any more and don't know what to do. I have been thinking a lot about suicide methods and how it would be better just to end things.

I have a 4 month old who wakes up every 2 hours at night so despite going to bed when he does I get very little sleep. I tend to go to bed at 7.30pm but after his 3rd wakening at 2am ish I am normally wide awake for the rest of the night.

During the day I now have to also care for my older son who has severe learning disabilities, autism plus a genetic condition. The baby only naps on me in a darkened room so the 3 hours while the baby is napping my older son is left to run around with the ipad. He does not understand why he can't go out anywhere anymore or see his friends or family. I feel so guilty I can't do much with him during the day, even when the baby is awake he is very clingy and needs almost constant attention.

On top of this we are part way through having an extension built. The builders have stopped working, the garden is unsafe and there is mud everywhere and services have been disconnected from our existing kitchen. We have a number of expensive items on order, kitchen, windows etc and I have no idea whether they will ever turn up or if it will ever be completed. I feel stupid moaning about this when peoples lives are being lost but it is the combination of everything that is so hard to deal with.

I can't stop thinking that I would rather just end things now. My husband will be able to look after the children without me. He is happy at the moment as he is loving working from home and does try to help out when he can with the children but it isn't enough.

OP posts:
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Persipan · 26/03/2020 07:43

I'm so sorry, that sounds incredibly tough.

Have you told your husband how you've been feeling? If not, I want you to do that right now. Show him your post, if you don't think you can find the words.

Next up I want you to call your doctor's surgery. Preferably, get your husband to help so this, because it might be quite frustrating at the moment. Make sure that when calling, it's expressed to them that you are having thoughts of suicide that have got to the point of thinking of methods. Also please call any other resources, like health visitors, that you know of locally. They may not be able to offer exactly the same services as they normally can, but they will do everything they can to help.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed, please try to call the Samaritans and talk things through. You may find it helps.

Also, please do ask others for help. Again, I know you can't have people found in the way you usually would, but I bet you 1000% that if you put out a call to friends and family for things they can do, they will. That might be, for example, preparing some meals for you and dropping them on your doorstep so you have an easier time amidst the household chaos. It might mean making time to facetime your son to help him maintain connections with others. There will be other things, I'm sure.

I promise you are not going to feel like this forever. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and things will definitely get better. Focus on what will help you get through right now, and take things one step at a time. Best wishes to you and all your family.

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TheMemoryLingers · 26/03/2020 07:47

Flowers I'm so sorry to hear how low you are feeling.

Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? Can he give you more support with the children - if he is working from home, could he be more flexible with his hours so he has time out in the day to do his share? He could keep your older one entertained while the baby is napping with you, for instance. Could your husband look after the baby when he is awake so you can spend some quality time with your older son?

It must be awful to be stuck in the middle of building work while this is happening. But it will come to an end and builders/tradespeople will be desperate for business once it's possible for them to work again, so your kitchen will get finished. Is there anything you can do temporarily to make your garden safer?

Please don't think of suicide - your family needs you, as your description of all you do for them amply shows, and things will get better once we are through this dark patch.

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Chimchar · 26/03/2020 08:28

I'm sorry you're feeling like this... things sound incredibly tough for you right now. Sad
Please talk to your husband, and call your health visitor and tell them too.
Thinking of you. XxThanksCakeBrew

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PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2020 08:31

I agree with everyone else that’s posted. Seeking real life help is the way forward. Your gp would be a good place to start. Lots of people feel like this for a time and recover. Flowers

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MummyPop00 · 26/03/2020 08:33

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PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2020 08:34

That’s a really unhelpful question mummy.

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MummyPop00 · 26/03/2020 08:35

But a practical one?

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Laniakea · 26/03/2020 08:35

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Laniakea · 26/03/2020 08:36

How is it a practical question?

What solution does it suggest? Go back in time & move house?

It’s just nasty.

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PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2020 08:37

Could people stop derailing the thread and remember the poster is suicidal?

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MummyPop00 · 26/03/2020 08:40

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AnotherEmma · 26/03/2020 08:42

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AnotherEmma · 26/03/2020 08:44

OP, I really feel for you. Persipan and others have given good advice. FWIW I think it's crucial that you tell your husband how you feel and that he takes some time off work - paid if possible, unpaid if not - to relieve some of the pressure on you. He also must share the night wakings so that it doesn't all fall to you.

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MichaelMumsnet · 26/03/2020 08:47

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

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Persipan · 26/03/2020 08:49

And the temporary upheaval of having an extension built would most likely have been worth the peace of mind of having a more suitable home for the OP, too*, were it not for the massive global pandemic that had completely changed things beyond all recognition.

Imagine your own house move wasn't something that happened in the past but was supposed to be happening right now, and all your manageable sensible plans were just falling apart and feeling awful, and it felt like there was no way forward and no way back, and you had no idea when it if it was going to change. Would it be especially helpful, at that point, to have someone pop up and chirp on about how much more sensible it would have been to never move in the first place? No, no it wouldn't.

(*OP, it actually will be worth it eventually - it's just really horrible timing now.)

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Imogen2489 · 26/03/2020 08:49

@08:40MummyPop00

  1. Moving costs would have been almost as much as the extension
  2. The deposit was paid to the builders in December and work started in jan. Unfortunately I did not have a crystal ball
  3. Judging by some of the posts on here by people in the middle of moving at the moment I do not think this would have been an easier option
OP posts:
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Persipan · 26/03/2020 08:50

(That was a reply to something that was deleted while I was posting.)

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MichaelMumsnet · 26/03/2020 08:55

We've made a few deletions in this thread. Hopefully things will get back on track and the OP can continue to get help and support. Flowers

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Justaminute123 · 26/03/2020 10:05

That all sounds incredibly stressful OP, so sorry to hear you are feeling so low Flowers

I echo all that’s written above, speak to your husband and your gp as a matter of urgency, discuss any flexibilities you husband has while home working to provide support during pressure points in your day. Reach out to family and friends as suggested above.

I’m not sure how you are feeding your baby or if your older son has care requirements during the night, but would it be possible to take the nights turn about with your husband? Your baby sounds like a similar sleeper to my son at that age and it’s awful waking for the day in the middle of the night. You must be exhausted. We personally found a full night’s sleep every second night was more restorative than splitting every night in half. Or perhaps an expressed bottle for husband to give at the 2am wakening to help enable you to stay asleep beyond that time? If it is feasible to go sleep in another room when you are not ‘on shift’, this can help to switch off from it all.

It must be so difficult feeling torn between your two children during nap time. As other posters have said, perhaps your husband or others via Skype could keep in touch with your son during your baby’s nap.

At the end of the day if extra support with your older child is not possible during nap time but he is safe and content enough with his iPad, then so be it - in the grand scheme of things this phase with all these pressures at once will be short lived and will pass.

Self care will feel near impossible but is absolutely essential for your wellbeing. Once you begin to feel more comfortable with what your older son is doing during nap times, you may find nap time to be an opportunity to relax yourself. Perhaps switching off with a tv show on your phone, on silent with subtitles so your baby isn’t disturbed by it.

A sling didn’t suit us but you might find one helpful to free up your hands during the day?

Things WILL get better and you’re doing a great job looking after your children under extraordinary pressures. Take good care of yourself and reach out to your husband now about how you are feeling Flowers.

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Justaminute123 · 26/03/2020 10:09

To be clear, I don’t echo whatever was in the now deleted posts which I haven’t seen. Take care OP Flowers

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AnotherEmma · 26/03/2020 10:20

So glad those posts have been deleted. Take care OP Flowers

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Imogen2489 · 26/03/2020 10:24

Thanks all for your replies you are all very kind. I feel really bad complaining on here when others have much worse issues at the moment but there is no one I can talk to in real life. I think it is the lack of sleep that is the main issue, on nights I have had more sleep I don't get the suicidal thoughts.

Baby is unfortunately solely breastfed and will not take a bottle. My husband also snores so we decided it was easier for baby to sleep with me and my husband to go in the spare room. Hopefully with weaning and age things might improve a bit. I guess baby is going through the 4 month slèep regression.

During the day my husband tries to be helpful with the children but has quite a lot of work to do so it is a juggle as for most at the moment. He is not great with mental health issues, like many men I think he wants to solve things by offering a practical solution and I am not sure if there is one.

I don't feel I should be putting more pressure on gp services at the moment. As I am breastfeeding I can't take anti depressants. I think what would really help is for me to work on baby's sleep, maybe sleep training.

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AnotherEmma · 26/03/2020 10:33

There are anti depressants that are safe to take when breastfeeding. Sertraline is one.
See www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/antidepressants/

There is also other help you can get such as CBT or other counselling. In many areas you can self-refer for CBT, google IAPT in your area.

But please talk to your GP, you absolutely should be doing this, your mental health is important. A suicidal mother is just as important as a person sick with coronavirus.

Flowers

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AnotherEmma · 26/03/2020 10:34
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Justaminute123 · 26/03/2020 12:21

AnotherEmma’s right OP, please do contact your gp, your mental health is just as important.

With hindsight in my own circumstances, I wish I’d bitten the bullet and gotten the advice of a sleep consultant. I kept waiting for improvement in my son’s sleep, reading every book on baby sleep I could get my hands on and, due to exhaustion, struggled to meaningfully apply much of it. We got there eventually but the support of a sleep consultant would have been really reassuring and helpful. I don’t know if you feel similarly and/or if this is an option for you OP? I appreciate they come at a cost. At 4 months I’d imagine any suggestions they would make would be quite gentle, nudging towards better sleep. Your HV might be able to help or alternatively signpost such services to you. Many are available by telephone/email/Skype uk wide. Some may also help with introducing a bottle where this is refused should it be your wish to pursue that. Maybe you’re husband can help with any training you decide to do as well?

Although it took a long while for my son to sleep through, there was a noticeable improvement when we put him in his own room at 6 months - I think we were disturbing his sleep too being in the same room together.

Take care x

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