I just don't know what to do

[Chilimama]

I am hoping someone can give me some advice/make me see sense.

I have been on antidepressants since my dd (18 months old) was born. My hv told me I was suffering with severe pnd which had probably reached a peak due to things that have happened in my past that I bottled up (abusive ex, a road traffic accident and a death in the family all in a short space of time).

So I went to the dr and he prescribed prozac which made me feel awful. Eventually I was prescribed Citalopram which I am supposed to still be taking but since my prescription ran out in June I haven't gone back to the doctor and I don't know why.

I feel like I am in a bubble, empty, numb and detached from what is going on around me. Whole days go by and I can't even tell you what I have done during the day except looking after the kids. I put on a happy face all the time but it's all an act. I feel so miserable and can't help snapping at dh all the time.

I am finding it hard to stay in touch with people as I feel like I just can't be bothered which is a vicious circle as I feel so lonely and isolated most of the time. The main reason I rarely post on here is that I can't even summon up the energy to write on here, I just can't explain it in words.

I feel as though I am such a fraud because I am always acting as though everything is ok but in reality the only thing going right (other than dh and the kids) is my studying. I throw myself into it because it helps me block out everything else if that makes sense?

Sorry to go on but I am really stuck with what to do, I know I have to go back to the dr but I am terrified of admitting how awful I feel as it seems the dr just gives me pills and then sends me on my way. I really need to talk to someone about it, to let it all out but I don't have someone to tell it all to. I feel like it would push my friends away if I told them how I really feel and I don't have any family to talk to other than dh (who is also depressed I think)

[Chilimama]

Btw I have 3 children. Ds is 7 and currently under the observation of a child psychotherapist due to abuse his father (my ex) inflicted on us both. I also have 2 dd's 2.5 and 1.5 years with my lovely dh.

I can't help thinking they would all be better off if I just left. Then they wouldn't have to all be walking on eggshells around me.

[PodPast]

Poor you - that numbness and inertia is so hard to get through. But you can, with the right course of action.i would go back to the GP, though possibly a different one, if that's possible? And ask if they offer any counselling. At least that would give you an outlet. Try to keep in touch with your friends even if you feel that you aren't much company - when you come out the other side they will still be there for you. good luck.

[calebsmum]

Hi Chilimama, you still sound very depressed, speak to a different GP and tell him to refer you for counselling. You really need to push for it, could your DH come with you as a joint front?