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I am a dispicable person and i don't deserve my family

(51 Posts)
lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 10:50:53

i just can't do this anymore. I am so self absorbed and weak that i have almost driven my wonderful caring partner to a nervous breakdown. This morning i had him in my kitchen with a knife in his hands saying he could just end it for himself now. This was because i was going overboard over a cock up by the council tax saying they were sending the bailiffs, if i had kept calm and acceptad that the woman was going to call me back then ten minutes later it was all resolved, their monumental cock up and its sorted now. The reason my DP is on the edge like this is totally because of me, an evil, selfish bitch, i honestly cannot find the words to describe how much i hate myself right now. I just obsess the whole time about being scared of this illness , that illness etc etc, im ADs for anxiety disorder and im always making him come home from work over one drama or another. My teenage daughter hates me, and all i live for is my little DD (aged 2.2), im so terrified that i am going to die and not be here for her it takes over my every waking moment. The ADs are helping but you would think wouldnt you that i would be able to sort myself out. Ive got a PhD, but i wont get a job, i use the SAHM thing as i really dont want to leave my DD in case something terrible happens. I cant allow myself any happiness because if i am happy i know it will go wrong, and i dont deserve it after all the pain i have caused. The reason i am writing this is to apologise to all of you, i've tried to offer support to others on here but im in no place to do so, making my advice and support hollow and worthless. So i am really really sorry for everything.

CountessDracula Fri 07-Sep-07 10:53:22

You are not evil you are depressed and anxious. I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad, have you seen teh dr recently to discuss if your ADs are the right ones for you?

Nbg Fri 07-Sep-07 10:53:36

lucyellensmum sad

Your not well lovey sad

Anxiety can do horrid things to you.
Have you any other help at all? Family, friends?

lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 10:55:50

i thought the ADs were working, they are, its just me, selfish, selfish, selfish. My DP and i nearly split up when DD was 6months, i wish i let him go, that way he could have been happy

lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 10:56:25

i cant talk to anyone else about this, im too ashamed

CristinaTheAstonishing Fri 07-Sep-07 10:57:25

So sorry to read how bad you're feeling at the moment, LEM. Have a chat with your GP to see if you need different ADs or some other type of therapy, please don't allow illness to make you feel so bad about yourself and your life. You've only recently finished your PhD so perhaps you're very tired, also it won't have had enough time to sink in as to what direction to take from now on. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Nbg Fri 07-Sep-07 10:57:47

Your not selfish.
It might seem like you are but its the anxiety.

I have it, I have called my dh home from work plenty of times, not to mention family and friends to come and help me.

What about some counselling?

lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 11:00:37

Nbg, it helps to know its not just me. ive only been on citalopram for month, it seems to help, im on the waiting list for counselling, its a substantial wait. I'm worried sick about
DP, ive driven him to desperation

Neverenoughhandbags Fri 07-Sep-07 11:00:55

Lucyellensmum,the medication clearly isn't working and you and your family are in crisis. For the sake of your children-and yours and your partner's-you must ask for help TODAY!
Phone your GP now and tell them that you need to see someone today. Don't let them dissuade you-it's Friday and the weekend is looming.Tell them it is an emergency. Do it now and tell us when you have done so.

littlelapin Fri 07-Sep-07 11:03:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neverenoughhandbags Fri 07-Sep-07 11:03:34

Lucyellensmum, citalopram can on occasion make anxiety and agitation worse or you may need an increased dose. PLease talk to your GP as he/she can help, and may be able to get you some other help whilst you wait for counselling.

Nbg Fri 07-Sep-07 11:03:52

Its very very hard for someone to understand if they have never been through it.
I can imagine that your dp is worried about you and confused as he wants to help you but doesnt know how.

Its taken my dh a long time to accept whats been going on with me and he's finally getting there.

I'm on citalopram too. It took a good 4 weeks before I noticed any changes so your just getting to that point.
What is your diet like?
My CBT lady told me to cut out caffine, sugary drinks and sweets, chocolate, cheese and alcohol.
I cut it all out as I was so desperate not to feel anxious and it really really does make a difference.

lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 11:04:53

i cant, my DD is poorly and just had the runs, i need to sort her out, i was late taking my tablets this morning and my DP lost it, not me, I just wanted people to know how horrible i am

Nbg Fri 07-Sep-07 11:06:22

your not horrible.

what makes you say you are?

lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 11:08:53

because i'm so selfish

SixKindsofCrisis Fri 07-Sep-07 11:10:43

Hating and blaming yourself for the way you feel is all part of the illness. I agree with other posters that you need to return to your GP and ask for your case to be regarded as a higher priority, so that you can maybe jump ahead of the waiting list for counselling

lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 11:11:52

if i tell the doctor i cant cope despite the pills they will take my DD away, then i may as well be dead

hazygirl Fri 07-Sep-07 11:13:27

your not selfish,and you are a great mum,it is wise to go back to your gp,maybe an increase in dose ,im up to 20mg but doc says need to increase to thirty next time,just stick in there lovey ,things will get betterxxx

hazygirl Fri 07-Sep-07 11:14:21

they will not take your dd away,they will help youxx

lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 11:14:28

can't get an appointment

Budababe Fri 07-Sep-07 11:15:05

Thy won't take your DD away. The GP needs to know the meds are not working as they should so he can adjust your dose.

Nbg Fri 07-Sep-07 11:15:42

They wont take your dd away from you.

It is the illness talking.
Is it the thoughts of something happening to your dd that gets you the most?

elesbells Fri 07-Sep-07 11:15:56

they will not take your dd away. please get help today, please.

dont hate yourself, things just seem bad at the moment, lots of people are here to support you...please call your gp now xx

Budababe Fri 07-Sep-07 11:16:01

Just go to the doc anyway - even with no appointment. Cry at the receptionist. Tell her you are not leaving till you see the doc as it is an emergency.

hazygirl Fri 07-Sep-07 11:16:20

insist they will find you one ,i have with receptionist ,even though i think why should i tell her why i do then appointment magically appears honest, or ring hv

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