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I am a dispicable person and i don't deserve my family

(7 Posts)
lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 10:50:51

i just can't do this anymore. I am so self absorbed and weak that i have almost driven my wonderful caring partner to a nervous breakdown. This morning i had him in my kitchen with a knife in his hands saying he could just end it for himself now. This was because i was going overboard over a cock up by the council tax saying they were sending the bailiffs, if i had kept calm and acceptad that the woman was going to call me back then ten minutes later it was all resolved, their monumental cock up and its sorted now. The reason my DP is on the edge like this is totally because of me, an evil, selfish bitch, i honestly cannot find the words to describe how much i hate myself right now. I just obsess the whole time about being scared of this illness , that illness etc etc, im ADs for anxiety disorder and im always making him come home from work over one drama or another. My teenage daughter hates me, and all i live for is my little DD (aged 2.2), im so terrified that i am going to die and not be here for her it takes over my every waking moment. The ADs are helping but you would think wouldnt you that i would be able to sort myself out. Ive got a PhD, but i wont get a job, i use the SAHM thing as i really dont want to leave my DD in case something terrible happens. I cant allow myself any happiness because if i am happy i know it will go wrong, and i dont deserve it after all the pain i have caused. The reason i am writing this is to apologise to all of you, i've tried to offer support to others on here but im in no place to do so, making my advice and support hollow and worthless. So i am really really sorry for everything.

QueenofBleach Fri 07-Sep-07 11:04:51

lucy please please please phone someone to get help, smaritans, HV GP anyone now

creakysprings Fri 07-Sep-07 11:04:56

Dear lucye, just read your post and so sorry to hear you're suffering. I do hope your medical support is helping you. warmest vibes. you are a fantastic mnetter (seen you on other threads) and have a lot to live for. You are not alone.

creakysprings Fri 07-Sep-07 12:18:18

hi lucye, are you feeling ok? Queen's right please do phone someone urgently for help.

mummymagic Fri 07-Sep-07 12:27:11

Couldn't read and run.
Lucyellensmum PLEASE get help.
You could go to your local A&E and tell them how you are feeling - that's what I did when I walked out of my job feeling very similar (and also feeling so guilty about ruining dp's life). They referred me to their emergency clinic straight away and were really really good and helpful. They will be able to see you are not at risk of harming your little girl but you need to help yourself.

Your partner is a grown man and responsible for his own feelings. He needs to get help himself. It is not your fault.

(PS none of us are buying the 'I am despicable' thing - your advice and support has been good however you feel right now)

EscapeFrom Fri 07-Sep-07 12:43:17

You Mustb get Yourself Some Help.

you must. You deserve to be happy. This isn't about other people, you deserve to be happy.

Ring your GP surgery and tell them you need to be seen today, it is an emergancy. It IS an emergancy. Feeling like this is a crisis, and no0vbody deserves it any more than a broken leg.

If you cannot get in at the doctors, go to A&E.

CAT me if you want to chat about the mental Health Crisis team, I have been seen by them before.

lucyellensmum Fri 07-Sep-07 21:20:45

i posted too many times blush i have posted on the original thread to update, but wanted to thank everyone for their kind words.

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