feeling low, can`t seem to make any close friends.!!

[rose007]

ok, this sounds like a real oh feeling sorry for myself.
But I dont know what to do. I have great family and a lovely boyfriend who loves me very much, great kids. But I have no good friends who I can go out with or chat too and its really getting me down. Everyone I meet seems to keep me at arms distance and always seems to be too busy to come over or go out. Maybe I have a help Im desperate alarm attached to my head thats putting people off. But I really miss the good ole days of being around lots of friends i had at college and then everyone moving away and Im not able to make or keep any new ones. Im really confused as people seem to be happy talking to me and we get on but only when its convient for them.
I made a couple of friends at work but even they dont really want to make any contact outside of work. I guess alot of people have mates already and dont want to be bothered making new ones or any effort at all!!.
Help what should i do to get over having billy no mates and just be happy with what I`ve got already!! any comments would be g8.
Thanks

[black31cat]

Hi,
I can so relate to what you're saying. I'm like you - I have a lovely husband and family and a gorgeous son, and I do have some close friends but they don't live locally. Day to day i seem to have a lot of people who I know, but I couldn't really call any of them friends as such.
I think that the problem in my case is that I'm fine chatting to people on a superficial level but I find it really difficult to get beyond that, as I lose confidence and become convinced that people find me boring. Then I back off almost to avoid being rejected.

The thing that I try to remind myself is that making "good " friends when you are older takes more time as everyone is busier and has so much more baggage. Also, it may help you to realise that there are loads of people like me out there who want to make friends but are too shy to take things beyond the casual acquaintance level with people.
Sorry if I've rambled a bit, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[mustsleep]

can totally relate too my friends were all fro work really and had no kids so when i left to have ds we sort of drifted

since then have had a few jobs but most friend were really just colleagues and any friends fron before i see maybe just once a month

and i really feel left out in the playground on a morning no one talks to me but they all talk betweeen themselves it makes me feel really i don;t know out of things and i am qite shy but still friendly i will talk to them if they talk to me but noone seems interested in starting a conversation and at arties and such they all just go off into their own little groups and i don;t like to just go and stand with them incase they don;t ant me to and thats' why they don't speak to me

i had people i spoke to frm nursery but all those kids have gone into another class and everyone else's parents already seemed to know each other it is really depressing

i try to make an effort but it's quite soul destroying at every party and every morning and afternoon all people do is greet you and then walk away, the other morning on e of the other mums was saying how silly the new procedure for entering the school is and she was looking at me so i agreed with her and started saying something else and then she totally balcnked me and started talking to someone behind me!

[tasja]

I can relate too. Where do you live? Maybe we could meet? I'm from SA. My only friend is moving back to SA in 2 weeks We have got other friends (also South Africans) but I can't seem to make friends. The SA friends we see every second weekend, but just in a group. No real friends, if you know what I mean. Dont have family here. So I basically sit in the house, every single day with DD who is 15 and a half months old. We go for walks but that is it. She is my friend (how sad is that!) I don't drive, so I'm stuck in home everyday! with no friends or family. Just DD and DH at night.

I live in West Hunsbury in Northampton.

[Nemo2007]

have you looked on meetups on here under your area? Most of the friends I have now are from mumsnet meet ups!!!

[clapton]

I too can sympathise. We moved to a new area a couple of years ago and my son was just starting school.

I thought it would be a great opportunity to meet new people, but they were already in their cliques.

I agree with people being busy and don't make much time for others.

[yellowvan]

Rose, are you me??? There are loads of threads about this on here, the best advice I read (not that I've been able to put it into practise lol) is to treat each encounter as a "sales call" so you amass a bit of info about the people you talk to then use it back to them "how is your dp's new job/haircut/extension" etc.

People are pleased, you have made them feel special, they can trust you, eventually you can move onto the next level of intimacy (the original poster put it much better than me).

You can ask people to meet for coffee and playdates but the crucial point is do not take a rejection personally, there is a genuine reason for a declination (is that even a word?).

If you really like a person ask one more time, treat it as sales, they are just potential clients for now!

It is really hard, i have decided now that actually I'm ok having just a couple of friends. Smalltalk generally bores me rigid, I cant be arsed and its liberating to think that I never have to find out where xxx got her shoes from or how much xxx had to drink on here anniversary or what xxxx's favourite perfume is (yawn).

[Jackaroo]

OK, here's my suggestion. The only really close friends I had for a long time were individually made at different times in my life, and I've not had a batch of local friends for ages. Part of that is because I was really ill when I should have been bonding with other mothers and partly for all the reasons everyone else has mentioned.

I now have two really fantastic groups of friends on top of that. One group I met on a website (not MNs, but not dissimilar), when we were going through similar trials at the same time, and the others I shared a tent with during a really arduous trek in the desert for Charity.

So, I guess what I'm saying is rather than looking for friends where the only thing you visibly have in common is that you all have children (and frankly most people are very dull when talking about their own kids, even me ) , find something to do, whether it's a one off activity for a weekend etc., or something for an hour a week, doing something that really means something to you. Chances are you'll meet a couple of people you really connect with (sorry, horrible expression!).

The women I shared my tent with were aged between 19-50 and it truly doesn't matter at all. It's great.

Just an idea.

[rose007]

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom, hope to put at least a tiny bit of it into action.
Im in the south west part of this lovely land. <br /> Im the one with the big desperate alarm sounding out over the cotswold hills!! Lol
Funny though its not the small talk I have a prob with as its easy for me to talk general babble to people. But I think the prob is Im a bit too intense and still stuck in that school zone,mind you at school there was always 3 of us and that was a constant nightmare . God youd think @ 31 I would of grown up by now!!!
hence why I love mumsnet i can babble on to my hearts content.

[rose007]

tasja I used to do that with my DS all the time when he was young. So completely know what it`s like.

[chocbiscuits]

Hello,
What I would do is go to some sort of class (adult like um, pottery or um, yoga, or with child like music) or playgroup or even swimming pool or park with lots of kids, and suggest grabbing a coffee afterwards with someone, if it doesn't work try someone else next time!!!

When you've had a few coffees invite 'em round.
Um maybe you should ask 'em about their kids that should get the ball rolling!!!
Ds just had to go to bed early, think he's a bit hot and now he's woken up again..oh dear drat. Oh phew he's gone back to sleep again.

[divastrop]

thank you for starting this thread!i know i'm not alone now.i had a few close friends when i was a single mum,we were always going round each others houses for coffee,or sleep-overs where we would get a bottle of wine and put the world to rights.

it all changed when i was expecting dd2 and got bad AND,i didnt want to socialise as i was so miserable.then dp and i moved in together,and i got pregnant with dd3 when dd2 was 6 months.

its only now that dd3 is 6 months old that im looking around and realising i dont have a social life.i chat to mums in the playground but i find it hard to go beyond that,even if they invite me for a coffee,i am too scared to take the plunge and actually go.

[chocbiscuits]

I did a lot of moving around as a kid and for some reason parents always wanted me to change school around christmas - when everyone else was already settled with friends.
I got vaguely adept at breaking into cliques, some you just can't manage to, but most you can. They're probably happy to make new friends, its just that its much easier to talk to old friends and they probably have lots of gossip and other things in common.
You might have to be a bit persuasive .e.g about coffee, oh go on...you know you want to really.....I saw some lovely cakes in the window of shop X!!!!!! Or you could could try to go in a really big group i.e. organise a bit of a group outing or something.
Divastrop - you bite the bullet girl! What have you got to lose?

[HoneyBella]

hya! I can so relate. . I have two dds (under 3) I've been on my own since day one with very little help from the ex. .
I used to be the life and soul but since having my first dd I have lost all confidence within myself. .I find it really hard to talk to new ppl and i could just kick myself cos i was never like that. . ever!
I love my girls but i can't even find the courage to walk into the local mother and baby group . .and i don't want my kids to miss out cos I'm being so stupid!
I rarely get chance to socialise in a grown up environment anymore cos i'm home every night while the kids are tucked up in bed.. I have a few close friends but they have their own life with kids and husbands.
I feel like i should leave them alone and not to pester just cos im a single parent and bored of my situation!
(no wonder i'm on anti-d's!)

[loveverona]

Hi y'all! I've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone and have 2 young children. DD has just started school and ds is 16 months, so I'm about to embark on tarting myself around the Cambridge toddler groups and chatting at the dreaded school gates. I'm feeling pretty unsettled too and missing a great group of friends from my old place whom I met mainly through NCT with our first kids, but also through nursery just chatting in the playground. In fact one of my great friends now I met at the local park. No reason why it should be any different here, it just takes time I think.

I know friends who've moved to new areas and they've all said it takes 6 months to a year to really break into groups and call people friends. Here's hoping I'm not posting back here then saying it's taking longer...!

People can be strange though, but I think a lot of us girls are actually pretty shy and it just takes you to make the first move a lot of the time, Not easy, though, I know...

[speak2deb]

Like Chocbuscuits, I went to quite a few different schools too. I also moved countries in my 20s and if there's one thing that I've learnt in life, it's that (apart from a few bitches here and there) most people are actually quite shy and a bit scared of talking to new people, so will appreciate the effort made by others.

So often when people seem a bit rude or standoffish, its just that they're not quite sure of what to say or are having a bit of a crisis of confidence- not that they don't want to be friendly.

I don't know how old your children are, but my advice is persevere with the other mums that you come across- perhaps try volunteering for some parent- post at school or join the local NCT or help organise a local playgroup- whatever! It's much easier to break into groups if you have some kind of defined role to start with.

I also agree with the post that talked about going to classes and playgroup and just chatting to people. It's not easy (asking other mums whether they want to go for a coffee sometime can seem like asking someone out on a date and can be just as crushing if they turn you down!), but give it time and I bet it works.

Good luck.

[Valerie12345]

Hello
I not sure if this group is still active but I can totally relate to the above posts about feeling isolated and not having friends.