I know I'm probably going to sound totally unreasonable and insane - hence NC. I guess I'm after some impartial comments, because I sure as hell can't seem to think straight. I know I'm not doing great right now, but I also don't know if this is something I need to actually take seriously or not. I'm scared of wasting the GP's time (especially right now), and also don't really get what the doctor is even supposed to be able to do.
Anyway. Background: I've had various mental health issues for most of my life. Diagnoses have varied. When I was much younger I was under the CMHT and quite unwell for a little while, but for the past 15 years I've just been under the care of my GP, and while I have bad periods, I've mostly been coping okay. There's not much my GP ordinarily does, except basic meds renewals and reviews; and once had me assessed, when I was a bit more unwell, but that didn't lead into anything, and I'm very keen to avoid that happening again. I see a private therapist for ongoing support, and that's really the only thing I want to have, personally.
Everything had been going really well for me, until around New Years. No obvious triggers, and nothing bad has happened, but I've been spiralling quite a bit since then. I'm constantly distracted by intrusive thoughts and images to the point I can't focus on the simplest of things. I'm having voices (not actual hallucinations, more like intrusive thoughts that just feel like that) tell me to do dumb stuff, and find it increasingly hard to resist doing the dumb stuff. I haven't been self-harming (although have a history of that) and I'm not suicidal, though.
I'm relapsing on some eating disorder behaviours. I basically go through weekdays on 800-1000 Kcal, and maybe have a binge on the weekend, or eat a bit more in general, but I'm also purging. I've lost quite a bit of weight, but as I was overweight before, all that's done so far is put me into a healthy BMI. I'm not sure if this is something to worry about, since healthy weight is obviously better. DH, on the other hand, has been getting concerned, especially about my levels of obsessing over food, and how upset I get when I eat too much.
Most recently, and mostly against my better judgement, I've come off all my mental health medications. They all have increased appetite as a side effect, and my head has been very noisy about me needing to quit them. Right now I feel like there's absolutely no way I could make myself go back on them, even though I know it's very dumb. Everything just gets very loud and distressing when I try to combat the stuff in my head. I'm also terrified I'll go back to being overweight again.
Everything just feels like it's spiralling and swirling and confusing right now. I don't want to bother the poor GP, who probably can't do much else than tell me to get back on the meds. On the other hand, I think I'm really starting to stress out DH, who is the most patient and supportive guy ever, so I feel I should go just to put his mind at ease.
I guess partly I'm just scared. I really really don't want to get referred anywhere. I don't think I could get through another MH assessment. I also don't want to get weighed, or get told off for any of this, or really anything. I just feel like I should just somehow manage to pull myself together and stop screwing everything up, and things would get back to normal. And if I can't do that myself, no one else can miraculously do it for me, either.
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Mental health
DH wants me to see the GP
69 replies
InsaneProbably · 01/03/2020 16:19
OP posts:
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