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All i sodding want is a family and i cant even do that right....

(60 Posts)
nightowl Fri 31-Aug-07 20:41:27

yes i am feeling pretty crap. its not much to ask is it at nearly 30?

every relationship ive ever had has fallen to bits and sometimes i just dont understand what i do to make it like this. my mother is an alcoholic, my real dad doesnt give a shit, my stepdad hates me for reasons unknown.

i dont have many friends. now this is ok, because over the years ive got rid of the people dragging me down. i have two good friends, which i think is better than tons of "going out friends".

i just dont understand why im so hard to love, and why everyone seems to crap on me from a great height.

im not a bad person, i try...i try my best. i love, adore my kids, im a loyal friend, i go out to work, i have a decent home. when im not feeling this shite i am a good laugh. i am a good person, but everyone seems determined to put me down...and the harder i try, the more they do it.

my kids have gone to my aunts tonight and i looked around my house and realised that the silence is killing me! without my kids im nothing. i have no fun, nothing to look forward to and its been like this for over 8 years. i work, i clean, i look after the kids. there's nothing else. everything i touch turns to crap no matter what i do.

i dont want for much, just a normal family would be nice...and im always alone in one way or another. i dont live, i just exist.

most of the time i can deal with that, and carry on as normal but for some reason tonight i feel bloody awful. ive been pretending im ok for a long time, and im really not.

im so embarrassed posting this blush

dustystar Fri 31-Aug-07 20:42:37

Have you talked to your GP about how you are feeling?

daisyandbabybootoo Fri 31-Aug-07 20:45:50

it sounds like you could be suffereing from depression a little bit. I feel the whole existing thing and I've been suffereing from depression on and off for about five years.

i'm sorry about your mum. My SIL is an alcoholic and I know how difficult it is living with that.

can you join any clubs or do a nightclass or something, just to get you out more and have some interests other than your kids. It's so easy to drop everything in our lives when we have children and making friends and socialising then becomes more difficult.


sorry you're feeling so shitty right now and I hope things get better for you soon.

xxx

frumpygrumpy Fri 31-Aug-07 20:49:08

don't feel embarrassed a bit!!!


You are totally normal. You are dealing with a lot. You are in the right place. Its just that a few things jumped up and bit you on the arse at the same time.

We'll listen, talk more.....

(I personally have to run now but I will come back as soon as I can, stay strong, you are not alone.)

Love to you sweetheart xxx

MadMazza Fri 31-Aug-07 20:52:55

Sorry you are feeling so bad nightowl. I just want to send you a big hug down the line... Remember what a fantastic job you do for your children and how much you mean to them. You are a great person and I hope you will find someone soon who will love you and take care of you...I'm sorry I can't be any more help...where do you live? Perhaps someone on MN could link up with you and go for a coffee or something...

nightowl Fri 31-Aug-07 20:53:26

cant do clubs or nightclass, work full time and im knackered, normally have no babysitters either. im happy with the couple of friends i have, plenty more fuckwit ones to amuse me.

still feel shit sad

iyswim..it wouldnt matter how many people i knew (and i know a LOT).

still feel very alone.

the people who matter/ed to me are all gone.

aloha Fri 31-Aug-07 20:54:11

You have a family. You have children. That's a family. you sound like 'nearly 30' is old, but it's actually in your twenties and very young. Lots of people in their twenties don't have 'a family' in that they don't have children, and plenty never will, even if they want them.
Your depression is clearly skewing your perspective. But look at your own post.
You say you don't have many friends, but admit that you are the one who did the dumping!
You say you don't have a family, yet you not only have children, but an aunt who is prepared to have them overnight. There are plenty of us who don't have that either.
You say 'everyone tries to put you down'. Do you honestly think that is realistic? Most people think primarily of themselves - not a criticism, but we get caught up with our own lives and feelings and we don't have time to make our lives revolve around making someone else miserable. isn't it more likely they are just getting on with their own lives and perhaps inadvertantly doing things that you interpret as being designed to hurt and upset you?
Your mother is an alcoholic. That's clearly nothing to do with you. It is reasonable to be upset and sad about this, but you can't reasonably say that she drinks to upset you or that it is somehow your doing. How do you feel about your stepdad? I bet you don't like him either!
As for 'always alone' - now, you have work, children, friends, at least one aunt (!) - that's not 'always alone'.
If you feel like this all the time, or a lot of the time, you are depressed and need to do something about it, be that counselling (I think cognitive behavioural therapy would be good for you) and/or antidepressants, or eating better, getting some exercise, getting out there and having some fun. You sound as if you are in a horrible rut, and life is gloomy in a rut. But you have years and years ahead of you, and you are still young. You have children, your health, a place to live, a job, plenty of good stuff. Make the most of it. Life is short!

aloha Fri 31-Aug-07 20:55:01

Are you going through a divorce or something? It's normal to go through periods of grief and sadness at times like this.

Hurlyburly Fri 31-Aug-07 20:58:34

As ever, Aloha has said it all, but I wanted to add hugs.

You're not alone. I do the "only existing" thing too particularly at the end of a long hard week.

daisyandbabybootoo Fri 31-Aug-07 20:58:54

sorry about you feeling shit, i know how you feel to some extent....i live 250 miles away from my family and DH works away from Monday to Friday. Evenings once the LOs are in bed can be very bleak indeed.

Its good that you have a couple of good friends. I hope you talk to them about how you're feeling.

aloha Fri 31-Aug-07 21:01:12

I would strongly recommend an early night - you will be tired after a long working week. There's nothing on the telly. Do something indulgent. A nice bath, a book, cosy up in bed with a hot chocolate or whatever makes you feel as if you are looking after yourself. It will seem better in the morning. Plan a couple of treats for the week ahead. Maybe a manicure in your lunch break or a drink with a friend. Have nice things to look forward too.
I think it may even be sunny tomorrow!

nightowl Fri 31-Aug-07 21:06:29

aloha, i didnt go into it entirely. the friends i have "dumped" are ones who i put up with some horrible stuff from for years and years until i couldnt take any more.

my aunt has taken the kids on a whim tonight, she's not normally interested but has recently fallen out with her granddaughter, and decided she wants to know my kids again. this is once in how many years...she lives hundreds of miles away.

yes, people DO put me down. my alcoholic mother mostly who one night not so long ago decided i was a rubbish mother and ran off with my kids (long story).

and i know i have a "family" (my kids). i know there are plenty of people who are worse off than me also...but is it so wrong to think that i could sustain a loving relationship too? like i said, i am grateful for my children...they are my life and i am lucky.

but i still feel like shit.

binkleandflip Fri 31-Aug-07 21:11:00

agree with aloha and would like to add that feeling lonely no matter how many friends you have around you is a classic sign of depression.

Been there, know exactly what you're talking about and as Aloha said, people probably aren't purposefully trying to make you miserable - we all very self involved to a degree - when I was in your position it took me quite a while to 'get over myself' and realise that a lot of the negativity was coming from within and I was just projecting it onto my thoughts about those around me.

Once I got my head round that - I gave myself - and those around me a break and decided to rejoin the human race again - take the bad with the good and be grateful everyday for what I DO have, not what is missing from my life.

binkleandflip Fri 31-Aug-07 21:12:44

As for the relationship bit - I had to kiss a heck of a lot of frogs before I got my 'prince' (I use the term very loosely grin!!)

nightowl Fri 31-Aug-07 21:17:16

but i AM grateful for what i have...each and every day.

so everything everyone else does to me is my fault.

thats ok, i knew that already..what i wanted to know was why grin

jpd Fri 31-Aug-07 21:26:58

Hey you grin thought aloha's reaction was a bit harsh(sorry) we all feel shite from time to time. I had a horrendous childhood and have spent most of my adult life feeling bitter and hurt, abandoned even. A little while ago I had some hypnotherapy and that helped agreat deal. I will always feel slightly pissed off that I didn't get the start in life I probably deserved but hey, I know my son will always be cherished and never go through that too. As far as the future is concerned, that is actually up to you believe it or not. You can choose to wallow (again that sounds harsh) but it takes a kick up the arse sometimes. Go and get what you want cos it sure as heck won't come to you. Wherever you turn there will always be some arse or other willing to dcrag you down, just don't let them, pity them. Oh and one other thing, read a famous quote/poem called Desidrata and live by it! You can be whoever you want to be.

nightowl Fri 31-Aug-07 21:41:44

if you knew me in real life jpd, you would not for one minute think i felt like this.

but reactions are not unfamiliar to me.

other people who post on "feeling depressed" are given sympathy, i am given a kick up the ass....and as much as that may work, tonight it doesn't.

same as rl. if i ever dare to tell anyone my feelings, i am given a kick up the ass.

i dont need one, im not pathetic. sympathy is something i rarely get, dont usually need. i dont normally wallow.

im sorry i did tonight.

binkleandflip Fri 31-Aug-07 21:44:48

I think you come across as quite strong and not someone as you say, really needs (or wants) sympathy.

that's why I posted as I did and I think the others did the same.

sorry if it wasnt the reaction you were after.

Hope you're feeling better soon smile

KerryMum Fri 31-Aug-07 21:46:41

Nightowl I completely understand where you're coming from.

Have been there.

You need a good long cry and some pampering.

It sucks being alone and feeling lonely. You need to find something in yourself that makes you happy.

I know that's all very trite and condescending but I mean it in all honesty.

You have to have an individual identity that isn't "Mum" "Colleague" "Lover" "Wife"

You need to have NIGHTOWL.

Who is she? What does she want? What does she like? Love? Where does she want her life to go? To be?

You need to have goals and a direction.

nightowl Fri 31-Aug-07 21:51:05

i do cry a lot...im not strong at all.

i dont come across like that though...i come across as a bit cold in rl tbh.

binkleandflip Fri 31-Aug-07 21:55:05

that was kind of what I was trying to explain to you (badly blush) you have to let go of this persona you're projecting - the dont-need-anyone-girl-who-knows-lots-of-amusing-fuckwits and accept yourself for who you are and let others accept you that way too. Then you're having honest relationships - and you'll find that people are genuinely interested in that person.

nightowl Fri 31-Aug-07 22:01:29

oh i dont mean to be like that at all...

i had counselling once, she was a lovely woman and i felt at ease with her straight away. but strangely, the first time we met she said i had an air of (her exact words) "dont fuck with me"!

i had no idea, i really felt comfortable with her..but most people i know said they felt uneasy with me at first.

its wrong...ffs...i cry at puppies!

divastrop Fri 31-Aug-07 22:07:52

i know where you are coming from.putting on the tough exterior and trying to pretend you dont need anybody takes its toll once in a while,and a good wallow is needed!

have you seen your gp though?it does sound like you could be depressed.if you got involved in a relationship the way you are feeling now you could end up with somebody undesireable(putting it politely).

you might feel better if you think of one positive thing you could do,be it going to the doctors or whatever.

you are not unlovable,you just havent met anybody worthy of you yetwink.and you wont meet them till you start liking yourself again.

binkleandflip Fri 31-Aug-07 22:08:43

same here - an estate agent once told me that some prospective buyers I once showed round found me 'intimidating'! I couldnt believe it tbh but I think it was me, feigning confidence and sending out "please like me and my house' vibes and maybe over-asserting a bit blush

I cry at puppies too - and adverts, songs etc... pathetic really grin

jpd Fri 31-Aug-07 22:08:45

blush Just re-read my message and it sounded more harsh than I meant it to. Call it being cruel to be kind! Is it blokes that seem to keep letting you down?

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