Help. Please.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I dont know where to post this.
I don't even know why I'm posting.

In June I started hearing a voice. A woman's voice. She is nasty, derogatory, she puts me down and tells me all sorts about what people really think of me.

I know, logically speaking, that this voice is in my head. But it's real. It's there.

It got so bad that I ended up suicidal.
My antidepressants were increased (citalopram, I'm now on 40mg a day)
And I was referred for counselling.

I started to feel stronger
I was able to ignore what the voice was saying, I felt I could tell her to shut up.

But now it's like she's got stronger. And is coming out fighting.

I'm so fed up of this. But I'm struggling with so much at the minute I'm in a job I enjoy, but my manager hates me and is looking for any reason at all to fire me, my room leader and I used to be close but since my breakdown she's been different. Andy other colleagues don't like me much either.

Now, I get it, I'm autistic, so I'm a bit odd. But I didn't think I was that bad. I'm literally always on the outside.

And then I'm sure my partner of 12 years isn't in love with me and is having an emotional affair with another woman, but he claims this woman is a lesbian and I have absolutely no proof other than I don't like it.
My mum tells me I'm paranoid, that this is all in my head. That he loves me and that I'm reading more into the work situation than is actually there.
But I'm not. I know I'm not.

And this voice is constantly there, telling me how awful I am.

And I just want it to stop.
But I feel I can't tell anyone in real life about the voice because she says they won't believe me.
She says you lot will think I'm attention seeking. I'm sat in tears trying to tell her to go away (in my head... I'm not talking out loud, but I am arguing with her)

I'm desperate for help. But I'm so scared.

[Marmitepasta]

Hi. I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. You need to get medical help and tell them about the voice. Absolutely no need to be embarrassed about it. They will be able to help you and give you some appropriate medication.

[Marmitepasta]

And we'll done for posting in here about it. That's a great first step. You need to tell people in real life. They will believe you.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

Thank you for replying.

I'm at work until Monday. I am not looking forward to it. I don't want to go, but I can't afford to be off ill.

I just want to curl up and cry. But I can't. Even if I didn't go to work, I still have 3 kids to take care of.

So I spend my nights crying instead. I don't sleep well because it's harder to tune that voice out when everything else is quiet.

I can't ever relax because that's when she gets a grip on me.

[RoseyOldCrow]

We believe you, we acknowledge what you are going through. You must be so tired.
Well done on posting, that's a great step to have taken; you know this voice is not real & therefore you have the power.
I'm sure that your DP is worrying about you, he will want you to be healthy again. Please try to get away from the idea of an affair, that will exhaust you even more.
I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight, you deserve to 💐

[LissJas]

I think you need urgent medical attention. This is absolutely not something that you should tolerate or understand. And I say that as someone who suffers from a serious mental health disorder.

You need to seek medical help tomorrow; you sound very unwell.

[GoldfishGirl]

Have courage OP, hug to you, things can get better

[ChippingIn]

You probably won’t remember me, but we’ve chatted on various threads over the years. I like you and I think you’re fab! So whatever is going on at work isn’t about you. There’s often a weird Bitchiness that comes out in work situations - it’s inexplicable & downright nasty

I’m sorry I don’t recall much about your partner, but I got the vibe he was a good egg, though that could have just been your portrayal of him - what would you have said about him 12 months ago?

This bitch in your head needs a good —slap— talking to!

Try to get an emergency appointment tomorrow - can you find your local MH centre? They tend to be in bigger towns. If not, your GP! You won’t be the first person they’ve seen who is hearing a voice - you really won’t!

For tonight do you have any headphones you can listen to music through while you try to get some sleep?

Big Hug!

[Bluerussian]

One good thing about this (& I know it's awful), is that you recognise it is your own voice you're hearing. That's quite different to hearing other voices. Your sub/unconscious is talking to you but that doesn't mean that what you're being told is right! It's very frightening but I'm sure it will not last. You really need some help to sleep, that would make all the difference.

You say you go to work, have you had a baby in the last year or so?

Take all the help that is offered but be careful of the drugs you are prescribed, some make things a lot worse. Counselling/psychotherapy will almost certainly help you if you find a counsellor who suits you.

You say you go to work, have you had a baby in the last year or so?

I do hope you get some relief soon, this is a horrible situation for you to be in.

[Honeybee85]

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this.
It must be awful and frightening.

As pp mentioned, it could help you to speak to others close to you about it. Maybe it can’t stop you hearing the voice but you’ll feel better because you don’t have to carry the burden of it alone anymore.

Hugs and

[Gingerkittykat]

Have you ever heard of the hearing voices network?

I have heard voices at times, I am bipolar and it has been really helpful to connect with others with similar experiences and learn tips on how to cope. Talking to others who have not has this type of experience has never went well for me and there is a huge stigma attached.

I would also see your GP as a matter of urgency, there are meds which can help.

[Graphista]

I have bad ocd and could relate to much of what you said.

It's incredibly common in mental illness no decent dr will be at all shocked and will likely have come across similar many times.

The voice is real to you and a problem for you so please do get the help you need ASAP I know it's not easy.

I can no longer sleep without the "tv" on if a streaming service pauses the silence wakes me.

My "voice" is the obsessive thoughts and believe me I obsess about everything.

Constant "did you touch that contaminated thing" "was that really x times you washed your hands" "you should have cleaned x thing today now it's going to be even dirtier" "did you turn off that switch x times" "have you left that light on"

Even asleep I don't escape I dream in bloody ocd!

It's a fucking miserable way to live that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

You are not alone, please tell someone and get the help and support you need.

[kristallen]

OP I agree with posters above that you need to seek medical help.

I have found that when my own voice is relentless in my head that putting Radio 4 on just loud enough that I can hear it - louder than a whisper but not full volume - helps do town it out so I can sleep. I keep it on all night. Sometimes it wakes me up (I think) but I wake up anyway and this noise helps me stop thinking and go straight back to sleep.

This may be a terrible idea for you, I don't know, but thought I'd share as a stop gap until you see a dr.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I phoned work. I just can't face it today.
I've spoken to my mum. I didn't tell her everything, just that I feel there's a constant battle in my head and I'm currently losing.
She's coming down and taking me to the doctor.

[ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal]

Well done for asking for help. I'm so glad your mum is coming to help you. There is help available and it's a really brave thing to ask for it.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I'm now terrified I'll lose my job for being off.
My GP surgery only opens at half 8. I'm panicking.
They're not going to believe me. They're going to think I'm making it up for attention.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I'm on hold. Position 7 in the queue to the GP.
I have it on speaker and I'm posting here so I don't hang up. I'm trying to distract myself and ignore this voice telling me that it's pointless.

[HermioneMakepeace]

I had a voice in my head for a few years. I've never spoken about it on here but it was awful. In the end, I just used to laugh at it and say things like, "yeah, yeah, not interested, fuck off." And in the end it stopped.

I don't know if that will help you, but please try that.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

Appointment at 4.30

Tried to explain to my mum about the voice. She thinks it's just me. But it's not. I know the "me" voice in my head. This other voice I don't recognise.

[Srictlybakeoff]

When people are significantly depressed they can hear a voice or voices in their head saying derogatory things. It is all part of the dreadful way this illness can cause you to lose perspective on life and see everything in ways that are more ch more negative. So although you know the voice in your head is you in some way you are also right when you say it’s not you - because it’s the voice of the illness which does not reflect the true world ( if that makes sense)
It’s good that you are going to see the GP , and they will have certainly heard this kind of thing before. A referral to mental health services would be helpful as it would hopefully get you more support andd they could look at changing your antidepressants in some way .
This is definitely not attention seeking but it is difficult for people who have never experienced depression to be able to understand how completely different it is to feeling low or being unhappy as opposed to being ill.
It must be very difficult for you to work when you are feeling like this and If your GP can give you a sick line ( surely you can’t lose your job in that situation) , it might take the pressure off a bit. can your mum help with the kids.
Your perspective on the other relationships in your life will probably be “ tainted” by how negative your thinking is at the moment . Don’t make any major decisions about anything while you are feeling like this.
I hope you get the support you need and will be feeling better soon

[Woollycardi]

Don't worry about needing to convince your mum, for anyone who hasn't experienced something like this it's pretty hard to understand what the issue is. The main priority right now is you, and if that voice is the loudest and only thing you can hear then something has to give as for whatever reason that voice wants you to listen. Try and remember it is only an opinion and doesn't speak the truth, but something is trying to be heard. I hope you can find some help and someone to listen.
I don't think you're attention seeking, and I do believe you. I also know how terrifying it is to be afraid of your own mind. But you can get through this, it just (in my experience) takes time. You need to give yourself time. Good luck.

[Bluerussian]

I've no difficulty at all in believing you and am glad you have a GP appointment later. There is help available but please do be careful of prescribed drugs because they can actually cause your symptoms. Tell the doctor everything, especially about your lack of sleep which is dreadful; insomnia itself leads to strange symptoms.

All the very best and I hope you will experience some relief soon.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I'm on my way to the GP in the pouring rain (I don't drive)

I'm terrified. This voice is telling me that he won't believe me, and that even if he does he will have me locked away and social services will take my kids.

[Woollycardi]

The voice is lying. No one will lock you away. No one will take away your kids. Try and think of the voice like a very angry bully who is terrified of being found out. All you are doing is taking steps to try and help that bully to stop feeling so afraid and to calm some of their anger. The mere fact that you are getting yourself to the Doctor is indicative of the fact that the voice is not in complete control. Hold onto the small steps that you take towards wellbeing.

[RoseyOldCrow]

Your GP will believe you, you aren't the 1st person with this symptom & you won't be the last. (So bugger off, voice!)
And don't worry about your DCs being taken, that's the symptom talking, it won't happen.
You're such a hero for taking every single step you are making now, it really is the best thing you can do.
Take the opportunity of the appointment to tell the GP everything you need to say, don't hold back, they're the perfect person with whom to start your recovery process.
Thinking of you & holding your hand along with a bunch of other MNers 💐

[Graphista]

I had the exact same fears when I had my first breakdown.

Ss were contacted as I was a single mum with no real support network but the sw was lovely, really supportive and helpful and much of what she did was reassure me that actually I was being a good mum (I was worried because I wasn't cooking at the time so dd and I were living on take outs, eating out and cold snack foods, but we were eating a variety I was aiming for 5 a day and calcium portions even if I wasn't always achieving and dd definitely wasn't going hungry, house was clean and tidy if cluttered, dd was going to school, well in herself) she said she had families on her books living on McDonald's and rarely going to school so I was doing much better than most.

You also have a partner who is capable of caring for dc and you. But it probably would be helpful for him to have some support, so if it's suggested - which it may not be - don't worry, don't fear, understand it's extra support for you and your family.

You're working, you're functioning at some level - that's good! But you need some help and theres nothing wrong with accepting that help.

If you bust your leg up badly and were in a hip to ankle cast and unable to care for dc as usual you wouldn't think twice about accepting extra help at such a time, this is no different.

It's illness not a character flaw or a moral failing.

I have various friends who need help with parenting due to a number of ailments, some mental illness but others with physical disabilities or epilepsy etc it's unfortunate but that's life sometimes we all need a little extra help.

It's fear of the unknown too which is understandable if you've not experienced this kind of thing and how it's dealt with before.

I hope you're in the appointment now (drying off and getting a bit warmer too) and the dr is helping and listening.