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They lied when they said it would get better

(12 Posts)
twinsmum87 Wed 22-Aug-07 08:45:14

My twins are now 20 years old, their father left the country for ?a much needed holiday? when they were 1 year old, he has never returned and have no contact with us, I have been on my own since then. Over the past 19 years I studied full time to get a degree, have secured a successful career as a senior teacher, endured acute depression, my daughter being diagnosed with epilepsy and special needs at age 8 and my son almost dying from several asthma attacks age 11, being made homeless when the stress and the bills engulfed me. Last Christmas I got a mortgage on a beautiful brand new 3 bed apartment with a stunning view of the Thames. With my kids in full-time education and on their career path?I thought at last I can exhale, start to think about my life and what I want? instead my kids have turned on me accused me of ?doing nothing for them? and ?being a crap mother?. This has plunged me into the deepest depression ever, with my only escape being to throw myself under a fast train at my local station. What happened, I don?t understand, what did I do wrong?

fawkeoff Wed 22-Aug-07 08:52:30

from my experience as a daughter...it really doesnt matter what u do for ur kids in their life it will never be good enough.It was only when i had my kids and lived on my own that i really appreciated what my mum and dad did for me.....do not let them make you feel like shit.think they need a reminder about all the sacrifices you have made to try and give them a good life as a single parent

FioFio Wed 22-Aug-07 08:55:51

Message withdrawn

rosealbie Wed 22-Aug-07 08:57:45

completely agree with fawkeoff, I don't think you really do appreciate what your parents do for you until you have your own children or at least are a lot older than 20.

You sound as though you have been a great mum btw and it can't have been easy.

binkleandflip Wed 22-Aug-07 08:58:03

perhaps their anger of being abandoned by their father is starting to surface and they are taking it out on you, the closest person to them.

Unfortunately I dont think any 'child' realises what it is to be a parent until they have their own children - how can they? I certainly didnt.

I feel for you and hope things improve. At least you have the knowledge that you have dont everything to support your children and love them.

Perhaps they are a little envious that you are now devoting some time and interest to your own wishes instead of theirs.

All you can do is love them. Dont let this set you back. You've earnt everything you've achieved and now you must reap the benefits.

zippitippitoes Wed 22-Aug-07 09:00:36

just had to say however bad it is, try to keep going..life is crap at times and children can be horrible...I shan't even suggest you try and think positively but just turn on that auto pilot..you have it because you have been there before

....something good will happen, in fact there is always good but we can't always see it

can't do hugs but have one

EscapeFrom Wed 22-Aug-07 09:02:22

From my experience as a 20 year old daughter, they will crawl back on their bellies when they realise what it is to love a child.

You did nothing wrong. 20 year old men are still teenage boys, emotionally. They are most likely taking the anger they have for their absent father onto you, as a 'safe' and uncondionally loving target. They don't realise the damage they are doing but they will, and they will regret treating you like this.

Cloudhopper Wed 22-Aug-07 09:06:10

I put my parents through hell when I was younger, telling them all sorts of hurtful things. Once I 'grew up' a bit I became unceasingly grateful for everything they had done. My relationship is great with them and I rely on them almost every day for something.

Your children will grow up too one day, and they will need you. They are probably going through a really difficult detachment phase where they start to establish their own lives. It is very hard for children to break away on their own, and often it seems to involve some rejection of their parents - a very painful process for all concerned.

However, one day you will look back on this and see it for what it is.

Really rooting for you - hang in there. xxxxxx

zippitippitoes Wed 22-Aug-07 09:16:31

I should add i know exactly how you feel re depression and the temptation to think such bleak thoughts, the only way through is to just keep going however much you don't want to, don't care etc and the prospect of jumping in front of that train as a punishment to the children may be in your head but you will get past this point again

...try not to think too far ahead at the moment

DutchOma Wed 22-Aug-07 09:25:17

Couldn't agree more with all that has been said. I had a crap daughter and she has come good. She once said to me about another friend struggling with a teenage daughter:- "Tell her to cherish her, she will be so embarrassed when she grows up". Can you take a short holiday before you go back to school? Do your 'children' live with you? All the time? Do you do things for them? Pay money for them? Just remind yourself of all you have done for them and are still doing and realise that by age 20 they are well able to stand on their own two feet. If you can bear to let them get on with it they will. Best of luck

TaLcApOnE Wed 22-Aug-07 09:28:33

twinsmum, i can only echo what everyone else has posted....it has to get better doesn't it? You do sound like you have had a wank time........please see your GP......

Also rooting for you x

saythatagain Wed 22-Aug-07 10:41:55

Children can be very cruel can't they? Even to their parents. Agree with everyone else; it will only be when they get older that they'll see what a terrific job you've done and what a good role model you are to them. Please, please, please don't let this get on top of you. Keeping focusing forward and enjoy your life for the now.

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