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Finding it really hard to cope with DH who is depressed

(6 Posts)
jenk1 Sun 19-Aug-07 14:05:19

some of you may know the background about my DH and he has been depressed for about a year now.
He has got an appointment to go the the local mental health centre at the end of sep after waiting for over a year so thats good but its the here and now that im struggling with.
He has become very angry,uncooperative with any thing, he acts like a toddler and has tantrums, he screams at me if i ask him why he hasnt done something small like he said he would feed the dog this morning when i went out and i came back at 1pm and asked had the dog been fed and he said no i was going to do it when you got back (why?)
i have 2 kids with SN and he is like a 3rd and i am finding it very hard to cope.
I dont want to be his mother but thats the way it is at the moment, i dont want to split up with him cos i love him and he,s not well but i dont see how to get through this.
He has been on AD,s twice and each time they have made him like a zombie which he hated, i think he wants to come out of work and i have said i will support him whatever but he keeps changing his mind and only he can decide what he wants to do.
I have to tell him everything at the moment, and ive tried not doing it but he wont do the slightest thing like have a wash/feed the dog etc unless im there reminding him, i do much of everything anyway but some things he HAS to do for himself.
Sorry for the long post im hoping there will be someone who has some experience of this to tell me what else i could be doing.
TIA

susue Sun 19-Aug-07 14:18:49

My husband had a bad spell of depression once and it lasted a good couple of years, he took ADs and after waiting 12 months saw a psychologist. This seemed to help alot as he could have a moan about everything, including me probably,and he wasn't judged or told to pull his socks up. My DH wasn't argumentative, if anything he went completely the other way, he would sleep for hours, stopped answering the phone or the door because he didn't want to see anyone and i had to take charge of the house and our two boys. It was hard work and I thought is it ever going to get any better but it does. It seems worse, I think, when it's a man thats depressed as they are meant to look after the family and your roles switch over completely. I'm afraid it's only time and patience from both of you that will get you through it. Try not to pressure him into joining in with things for a while, it is frightening though cos you don't think it will ever go away. There is light at the end of the tunnel, take care,

Dior Sun 19-Aug-07 14:20:49

Message withdrawn

Helennn Sun 19-Aug-07 14:30:08

Didn't want to see your post go un-answered. I am certainly no expert but my dh suffers from very different moods, bordering on depression from time to time so certainly nothing like your situation I know, but still difficult.

Can you not push for a quicker appointment, or go back for some different AD's, I know it can sometimes take a while to get the right ones. My main point would be, my father in law suffered from serious depression/mental illness, I believe he sometimes used his ilness as an excuse for other bad behaviour - "oh well, he can't help it, he's tired". It is already very hard for you to look after two SN children and your husband as well, it is hard to know if he really can't remember to feed the dog, wash himself etc. or is he just using the illness as an excuse. Can you talk to him about how you are also struggling and he has to take some responsibility for himself.

I know there are plenty of people on here with a lot more experience than me so I hope they will be along soon.

As an afterthought - could you get any help from Homestart, to help with the children at least?

jenk1 Sun 19-Aug-07 17:56:26

this is the quicker appointment LOL, they only gave it him cos i went down there last week and told them how he was being.

I have had a talk with him this afternoon and told him that i know he is depressed and finding it hard but that he has to think of me and our 2 kids who i am really struggling to manage them/house/him.

He admitted that he has let things slide and didnt realise how much that affects us, the kids are so suseptable [sp] to change and have been acting up as a result ( i think) of us not getting on.
He is also going to the GP,s tomorrow so thats a good result.
thanks for the advice.

Marne Sun 19-Aug-07 18:17:01

Jenk- poor you, dh has been depressed for a few years now, he took a year off work which i think helped him alot even though he found it hard to go back, he has been on and off AD's for 3 years and is now comming off them.
How long did your dh stay on the AD's for? dh's gp told him to stay on them for at least six months before deciding if they are working as they can take a long time to get to work.
It is hard to come with a partner with depression all i can say is take each day as it comes, try not to let the bad days get to you and make the most of the good days. If your dh is not happy at work than let him know that you are happy if he wants to leeve (his health is more iimportant than the money). Make sure you have time alone to talk to each other so he can let you know how he is feeling also spend time apart to give you a break
I hope your dh gets the help he needs from the GP, good luck x

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