Feeling totally alone

[black31cat]

Hi,
I posted a while ago and you guys were so helpful, and now things have taken a turn for the worse. I was taken into hospital on Sunday with a severe kidney infection and put on IV antibiotics. They let me home the next day after some persuasion because i was stabilised and it was the first time I'd left my 6 month old DS. The pain has settled down and I've stopped being sick, but I just feel totally drained.
I thought I was coping ok, but today I can't stop crying. I've already been diagnosed with PND/PTSD after a very traumatic birth and was meant to be going for a follow appointment at the docs this week but had to cancel on Monday as I was still in hospital. Now I can't get an appointment for another 10 days.
To add to the problems, when i saw m consultant at the hospital, i was told that our NHS trust was not funding treatment for the condition which makes me keep having kidney infections in the first place. I've been in and out of hospital so much in the last 2 years, and I'm so sick of it.
I do have friends and family around but they all think I'm coping really well with things, and I just end up telling them what they want to hear.
My DS had a really bad night and is really clingy at the moment, probably due to teething, and I'm exhausted. My DH is supportive but works long hours, and it isn't fair to ask him to help with the nights. He has taken some time off, but went back to work today.
I feel like my DS is picking up on my mood, and he deserves better than having a mummy who cries all the time.
I know that there are no answers, but I just had to say this to someone.

[GooseyLoosey]

Don't worry about your ds - he will pick up on your mood, but he is only 6mnths old and will never remember this phase of his life, he sounds like he has a great mummy.

Do get treatment for the PND- it is a terrible and lonely thing but very treatable. Make the appointment for 10 days time and make sure you go.

On the kidney stuff, it seems odd that they can't treat a condition which hospitalises you! Is there any form of appeal - could you ask your GP about this?

Do rely on dh when you need to - he may have a lot on his plate with work etc, but you really do need extra support right now and it sounds like he understands that.

Goodluck

[jorange5]

Hello black31cat, I can't imagine how hard it is for you at the moment but you sound like such a wonderful mum because all you seem to care about is your DS. He wont mind if you are crying as long as you are there. I wish I could give you some advice but I really have no idea - I tell everyone that everything is fine too even when it's really not. Could you just ask a family member to take your DS for a push in the pram while you have a lie down? Nobody would think you are lazy - you are ill!

[Meeely2]

oh black cat, i'm very sorry.....

Can family have DS for a day or so, let you have some YOU time?

Are you on Ad's? if you have been diagnosed with PND i assume they have prescribed them to you.

My advice from now until your follow up apt, would be to keep a mood diary, write your thoughts down so you can tell the doc EXACTLY how you feel rather than skimming over it in 10 days time. I am seeing a councellor and have to keep one in between sessions, i have found it very helpful.

I know your DH works long hours but it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to help out with night times if DS is being difficult, he is DS's daddy you know. Especially since you are ill at the moment. It is in fact my Dh's job to do nights (IF needs be) as he settles them much quicker than I do, so it's in both of our interests that he do it as we both get back to sleep quicker.

Another bit of advice would be to confide in a close family member or friend - it's like a weight off telling someone that actually you aren't super mum and would like some support once in a while. It does you no good making people think you are coping.

in conclusion, i would just like to say, chin up, stay strong, but be human!

Take care ((((((hugs)))))))

[black31cat]

Hi again,
Thanks so much for listening all of you. I just had to get out of the house, so i went round to a friend's house for the afternoon, which helped a bit.
With regard to the medical condition,basically, the problem is that I have a neurological condition which means that my bladder is essentially paralysed, so i can't pee at all. (TMI i know). The situation is that there are two possible treatments for it. One is bladder removal and the other is a nerve stimulator treatment which is quite new but expensive. Ou Primary Care trust is in serious debt and will only fund neurostimulator treatment in "exceptional cases", and basically I am coping "too well". Coping in my case means having to catheterize myself 6 times a day, hence the kidney infections.
The condition caused big problems while I was pregnant, which is what caused the PTSD.
I'm not taking antidepressants at the moment, I've been referred for counselling but there is a massive waiting list for that as well.
This has been draqgging on for so long that I feel like I can't talk to people in real life about it anymore, almost like I'm scared that i've exhausted everybody's sympathy. I just feel like a drain on everybody. The only thing keeping me going is my family, and I feel like I've put them through too much.

[black31cat]

When I go back to my GP i'll ask if there is any way of appealing. I can't face the thought that I may have this forever. Its good to be able to talk on here because I can't face talking to people in real life at the moment, because I know I'd just cry.
My HV thinks I should go on AD's but I'm just worried that the side effects would make me feel even more crappy. But I can't go on like this. I'm just getting lower and lower.