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Shouted while holding DD and know I must do something

(5 Posts)
hatewaitingforbuses Tue 14-Aug-07 20:16:46

I am feeling absolutely terrible about myself. Yesterday I was holding DD and cuddling her and I walked into a door frame and really banged my elbow. I yelled 'F*' before I could stop myself and she burst into tears and wouldn't go near me for the rest of the evening. Then today she bit my shoulder, just playfully, but it really hurt and I yelled 'ow' and she started to cry again. Why am I so angry? Yes it hurt, but why is my reaction to swear and shout when I'm round her? Why can't I manage my anger so I don't scare her?

I am under loads of stress at the moment - 6 months preg, brother seriously ill, trying to finish a degree and working three days a week, plus angry and frustrated at DH because he is so passive and has no drive. But that's no excuse for my reactions. I know I must do something about this anger but what. I am feeling desperate - I can't let this go, can't let DD grow up around an angry, bitter, swearing mother who loses her rag at the slightest thing.

PippiLangstrump Tue 14-Aug-07 20:34:44

hatewaitingforbuses I have been there too and posted here feeling absolutely crap!! I did shout AT DD for not wanting to go to sleep. i have got plenty of patience normally but I really lost it. and too see that little face so upset and scared because of me... it broke my heart. I really bit myself up about it 'how could I scream/be upset with a 2yo', I certainly should know better etc.

All mums I know told me not to worry, unfortunately it won't be the last time and that if you do feel so bad it means that you are not a 'angry, bitter, swearing mother who loses her rag at the slightest thing' but quite the contrary.

you have already spotted the reasons why you did it. work on them.

I found that when I get upset with DD is b=normally because I am upset with someone else and I take it out on her - DH normally.

I am sure you are a great mum.

yogimum Tue 14-Aug-07 21:03:31

You are right it is no excuse but they are valid reasons why you are like this, you are under a lot of stress and thats why you are been so angry. Try not to be so hard on yourself, and look for ways to lighten your load. When I feel like this I do lots of deep breathing. Take care of yourself

chocolatekimmy Tue 14-Aug-07 21:38:48

hatewaiting....

I'm so sorry you feel so bad about yourself, especially as you are having such a difficult time right now. This is fairly normal behaviour though from what i gather.

I shout every day and sometimes I must be so scary. I have been in tears after some of my reactions. In March I actually slapped my daughter - first time ever (and last hopefully) and that incident got me to see my GP.

I have been under a lot of stress too and I know thats the reason I have so much anger inside me but I am directing it at the wrong people. Its always my children that bear the brunt of it and I acknowledge that is wrong and unfair.

I am now recieving counselling and part of the work is for me not to beat myself up about the shouting too much. I am working on anger management and trying to establish where my behaviour is coming from.

What scares me most is that sometimes I get a build up to it all and others I just 'snap' instantly with no warning and shout my head off. I feel dreadful every time though and wonder what effect it will have on the children as they grow up.

One thing I find useful sometimes is to go into another room (out of sight and ear shot) and swear my head off out loud, using the worst imaginable language. In this safe environment I can let off a bit of steam.

I have been advised by my GP to drink camomile tea, exercise, have time to myself (not easy) and eat healthily but the one thing I can't totally control is the childrens behaviour and its that that causes me to shout most of the time (even though its usually me that over reacts as a result - don't get me wrong and think I am blaming them!). I am a bit of a perfectionist and i think I have too high expectations of even my children.

hatewaitingforbuses Wed 15-Aug-07 08:20:26

Thank you all for such helpful words. I've realised that I need to do something about anger management, and I've rung the obstetric counsellor at my hospital and got an appointment. I'm also a perfectionist and get very down on myself if I don't get things absolutely right - I think DH has come to expect me to do things to a high standard as well so he can be quite critical if I don't.

Can really relate to what you said Pippi about being annoyed with DH and taking it out on DD. I worry a lot about the effect on her - my own mum didn't 'manage' her anger but 'controlled' it, and I can see all kinds of problems that I inherited from her implying that it was 'wrong' to express any kind of emotion so I've bottled things up over the years. Even today she can never show real happiness or sadness and I don't want to be like that! But what you say helps hugely and I will keep reading your words.

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