Im struggling again.
I don’t know what I hope to gain from posting here but it helped last time.
I’ve name changed for this as I am just ashamed of the way I feel to be honest.
I’m starting to feel once again like I would be better off just gone. I won’t do anything but I’m scared that I’m one bad down period from actually just doing it. It doesn’t scare me. It feels like it’s the best option. I feel calm when I think about being gone. I feel so angry when I realise I can’t. It would be so very selfish of me to leave my children so I won’t but I’m scared that there will come a point where I feel so bad that I can’t see that anymore.
I’ve spent part of this weekend in my thoughts planning who I need to write letters to and what I need to say. Googling the best pain free ways to die ect and who could look after my children for the weekend so I can carry it out. I thought about doing it ASAP but then I thought that actually my children deserve one last Christmas with us all together before I go so I can make sure I give them the best Christmas of their lives.
I wondered if I maybe just stop paying all my bills and my rent and save the money until the new year I can get them everything they’d need for at least a year or so and pay for a big upcoming school trip.
But then I feel so terrible and struggle to cope with how overwhelmed I’m feeling.
Usually I manage to be the best mum I can be. I’m not perfect but we have what I’d say is a fairly normal life and my children and me are very close. I love them with all that I am and they are fantastic children. I am struggling with negative behaviour at the moment and school issues we are having with bullying. I expect that’s where the negative behaviour is coming from and that makes me feel even worse that I’m struggling. That and the fact that I am more irritable than I’ve ever been and not fun for them at all. I should be strong and the fixer but I just feel so overwhelmed and engulfed.
I’ve recently started counselling and although at the beginning it was great it’s making me feel worse right now. I think this has a part to play in it. I asked my counsellor what is wrong with me. I said that I feel like I must have something seriously wrong with me other than depression and anxiety and I asked him what he thought. He said he didn’t think there was anything more wrong with me. I don’t think I agree. I go from feeling alien to the rest of the world, to wondering if I’m on the autistic spectrum to wondering if I have bi-polar disorder or BPD. Everyone else just seems to get by and although I seem to to everyone else, the battle in my own mind is a daily one. It takes all my energy when I feel low just to function and then I have to give more and I just don’t know how to live the rest of a life like that.
I feel angry, sad, overwhelmed, confused and just so many other things and when I think about another week like this I don’t know how to cope inside my head.
I’m crap.
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Mental health
Struggling again.
3 replies
Letmevanish · 13/10/2019 19:34
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