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To not know how to deal with ds behaviour(273 Posts)
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MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.
I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.
The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.
Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)
I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.
I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.
I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢
How are things now OP? Have you managed to follow any of the advice on here? Hope you're ok
Can you PM me your rough area? I know a few places in Scotland that might help but obviously big place!
I feel so sad reading this thread. It's truely terrible all round. I work with SEN children, in particular social emotional, mental and behavioural needs and so many of them begin in the very early years and are triggered by events and trauma that parents often think the children don't remember. It's so important not to minimise the fact that in his short little life, his dad has assaulted you and left, you were depressed, you met some one else who then moved in and have then had two more children. All huge events for a small person. Some compassion for him in the face of all his negative behaviours are what's needed here. If your partner is home in the day surely he can be with them while you use the loo, play with him outside or take him out or have the girls while you take him out. He needs some serious help. He needs his mum not to be withdrawing from him so please take the Ads. Why do you think you don't need them if you're talking about killing yourself or wishing your child was dead?
The diary, if you are religious with it might help you in other ways as well,not just to show the professionals. You might be able to see patterns or triggers that you can then work with. I know it seems like all the time and relentless but there might be certain activities/times of day/words/foods etc that actually make his behaviours worse.
He doesn't understand instructions so I would be there for a good 15 or more mins explaining to him why he has to move. I don't have the energy for that.
I understand how frustrating all this is, but you may find that once he is diagnosed, you will have to spend some time and energy learning how to do things differently to make them less confusing for him. Perhaps things like the boards suggested by Sarcasm who clearly has a lot of experience.
Because at the end of the day, if he isn't capable of something, then just not accepting his SN isn't going to make him more capable. And the better his SN is managed, the safer your dd will be and (after the initial effort) the less exhausted you will be.
Tbh, I could have said "I don't have the time or energy to push my dd around in wheelchair or lift her onto the toilet, she'll just have to walk". There were certainly times when I felt like that. It seemed so unfair that I should have to deal with this when other parents didn't and wreck my own body in the process. But that feeling didn't help us, because she couldn't walk.
As PotolBabu says, your ds is living in a world of confusion and pain. And that pain doesn't grow any less because the people around him find it hard to deal with. Chances are, he is holding on with all his might to control himself at nursery and then comes home unable to hold it in any longer.
My db (PTSD rather than developmental delays) was the same: an angel at school, violent outbursts at home. But with support got better and better and has lived a very successful life as an adult, loving husband and father, close to parents and siblings. Everybody's lives got easier because he was supported and there were clear plans on how to deal with him.
I would start by keeping a diary. List everything he can't do that he should be able to do, every instance where he loses it, every thing you notice about him, note dates and times of day. Make notes of every time someone might have been put at risk (including him). Then after a couple of weeks, take that to the doctor.
Ask your GP for a referral to a paediatrician for an opinion - write all of your concerns down & ask them to look at it & copy your concerns onto his gp records. The paediatrician should then make an assessment of what needs to happen& by whom. I agree if you can get an opinion privately then you can shortcut the waiting list for help. Honestly it shouldn't be this hard for you!
You are definitely being fobbed off. I agree with PotolBabu that the lack of talking is just a symptom of a far bigger issue. There is no doubt that this will be picked up on at school, but you need urgent help before that.
It does sound like you're being fobbed off by health care professionals - including the nursery who say there's nothing wrong? Surely his lack of speech is a rather urgent indicator?
I agree with others - if you're not being taken seriously then cctv and an in-depth diary of events is the logical next step. People aren't listening to you OP - you need to make them listen.
But it’s not just the talking. I think the talking is a red herring in some ways. His understanding is v v severely delayed which suggests more deep seated problems. He must live in a world of deep confusion and pain, poor child.
Can you afford to get him assessed privately OP?
I know, my dd was 2 in Feb and she talks better than him!
I don’t mean to alarm you but honestly my 2.4 year old can communicate more than that and he’s not massively exceptional (and so could his big brother at this age). It sounds like there is way way more than just a speech delay here. He sounds like he has more complex needs than that.
He does have 121 with SLT, most of our meetings have been 121 and sometimes they will drop into the nursery to hear him and still say he is fine.
He can count to about 7, after that he just gets confused.
He can say about 4 words in a sentence, after that just gets confused
He would put the spoon in the kitchen but would just say 'I done'
If I say you done what? He would just nod
Your five year old can’t speak clearly and can’t understand instructions??
He needs urgent intervention. The world must be bewildering and frightening. You have five year old expectations of him and he has less communication and understanding than my two year old. He’s a five year old trapped in the mind of a smaller child.
I can’t stress this enough. He needs a Pediatric referral, SLT, and urgent therapy. How is he going to start school next year without 1:1 input? I think his nursery have been grossly negligent in not highlighting this stuff and you are too caught up in the behaviour to see how far he is behind developmentally.
May I ask? Can he count? Can he build a stack of towers? How many words can he put together? Can he perform sequential tasks- so take this spoon to the kitchen, put it in the sink and come back and tell me you have done it. Does he point? Or does he take your hand and indicate?
In terms of the suicidal bit, it is the same in England. Lots of people feel or talk about suicide. But there is a quick assessment to see if they think the person will actually do it. Unless they think there is a real risk, then ADs would be normal. And that is because there is a big difference between feeling suicidal, and actually being suicidal.
Oh and I paid £70 per hour for a child psychologist and they did fuck all too so don't assume money can solve the problem!
OP I'm so sorry your going through this. I empathise with feeling just done with it all. My DS isn't particularly violent (will lash out occasionally) but he's just never ever happy. He cries and whinges and shouts at me all day long. He'll slam doors, break things, throw himself onto the floor in a rage and so much more. It's relentless. I just don't know what to do to make him happy, everything goes wrong - having breakfast, playing, anything and everything ends in tears and tantrums. The normal stuff everyone advises doesn't work. We've had very little support, CAMHS referral but nothing since. Every day I think just get through the day. Every evening when kids are asleep I feel guilty for being shit and shouting at them and not liking being around them. I think I'll do better tomorrow then it's the same over again, the noise and the constant headache and there's no escape. So I'm sorry - you're doing your best and it's still shit and your feelings are completely understandable. I hope it gets better.
Time to order online multiple CCTV cameras inside your home and start recording everything as evidence.
But for the price of this I would rather pay for DS to see a specialist behavioural therapists!!!
It seems that even more extreme action is required to get them to help you, even more than saying you are suicidal which beggars belief, doesn't it?
Would ringing up SS or your gp and telling them you want to put your child up for adoption be the extreme measure they are waiting for then?
It sounds as if scottish services only deal with life or death crises and are therefore waiting for the op to break down before offering more than they are doing already.
It's a broken system op. Please don't let them break you.
Time to order online multiple CCTV cameras inside your home and start recording everything as evidence.
Keeping him outside/ at soft play/ at play parks for as long as you can in the mean time.
Good advice from YourSarcasmIsDrippin
Yes! Excellent advice!
I really hope the tablets help you but your son clearly needs help too
It sounds like he has serious speech delay and some of this is attention seeking.
Can't your partner change jobs? His not being present is clearly not helping anyone
Can I ask - whenyou separated with his dad was that difficult for you? What was the relationship like - someone mentioned attachment disorder - I don't know a lot about this but it might be worth looking into.
It does sound like your DS struggles with sharing you - he is very insecure in his relationships & has no trust in either himself or his relationships with his siblings.
SS are rubbish but they should be offering you more that 'he's just jealous'!!!
Is there a family centre in your area where you might get some support? Is there any other family member that can 'take your Ds under their wing'? He needs some guidance & boundaries - but he does sound delayed & its worth banging on doors now to get him support.
Please get yourself some help as well.
Make a plan this week to start fresh.
Set aside some time to spend with him(even if it's hard at tje moment).
Praise the good things he does especially in regards to his sisters. Really big up when he's gentle,kind,quiet etc. "I love how gentle you were with the baby". Give him small rewards either by spending a few minutes with him or a nice snack.
Have a NOW and NEXT board.
A visual time table of his day and activities that he can have some input over.
Buy some feelings books (sad,angry,lonely,happy,jealous etc)and read them with him over and over again.Talk about them after , ask if he ever feels like that.
See if you can make him a calm corner(with cushions,sensory stuff like liquid timers,tangle teasers etc), not for punishment but so that he can go there and calm down,sort out his emotions .
Make a list of house rules, keep it basic and simple. Let him have a say.
If you can spare the time have a daily or weekly notebook for him with what has gone well, what could've been better, how could we fix the could've been better.
Give him responsibility with tasks that are reasonable and safe for hom to do. Make him your helper.
Have a feelings board near the door so when he comes in he can put a peg for example on how he's feeling that day- happy,sad,angry
Ideally you'd get professional support right now,but until then you will have to keep trying.
I know it seems like an overwhelming and daunting task list but these are just some ideas, pick what is doable/you think it will work. The idea is to stick with it, be consistent, firm but loving and fair.
Some days will still be shit, but the goal is to have less shit days and hopefully to manage to break this cycle of anger and resentment you are both stuck in.
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