To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

[Failureforaparent01]

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

[DerrenBrownings]

Do you have a partner? What are they doing to help? Please see your GP asap for these thoughts. Lay it on the line and demand support. Do you have other family nearby?

[Failureforaparent01]

Yes but he is not ds dad, he currently works evenings (the time when ds plays up more as my eyes are on the baby/making dinner)
GP won't do anything would they?

[Failureforaparent01]

My mum is minutes away and I've begged her to have him a few times but she just says she finds him a handful.
Nobody else that would help

[rabbitheadlights]

What area are you in OP?

[formerbabe]

Has he started school yet?

[SleightOfMind]

That sounds tough. I remember when mine were little and early evening was touch and go as to whether we’d all make it frankly!

Can you tell us what strategies you’ve tried so you don’t get a whole load of suggestions that won’t work?

[Shitsandgigglez]

Sounds like you're really struggling but honestly you have a LITTLE BOY who is clearly desperate for help and love. Children do everything for attention and if he feels he's not getting attention he will play up. He's not evil in any way. And to be quite honest if you wish he was dead then there's no way you can be treating him fairly. Children need love and boundaries. Simple as that.

How much time do you spend with just him? Because your solutions at the moment seem to be to get rid of him. Why not spend quality time the two of you - send your daughter to your mums. He needs his mum. He is a little boy

[Failureforaparent01]

Prefer not to say as my SIL is on here but if anybody wanted to PM me to find out, I'm in Scotland let's just say that!
No he doesn't start until August.
I'm hanging on in there thinking that the 6hr of school life should be enough to tire him so this behaviour ceases a wee bit but I honestly don't think it's going to.
It feels like right now it will never get better, no amount of Hv, behavioural specialist or SS seem to be able to do anything so I don't even know why I posted this

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Do see your GP. They can refer you to all sorts of things you may not know about.

Be very honest about the 'evil' your DS does and how it makes you feel. Don't leave without help.

[DerrenBrownings]

GP will do something for YOU op. Thats what I meant. Its doesn't have to be the norm for you to feel suicidal.

Doesn't matter if DS isnt your partners son - are your other 2 children your partners? If so can he not deal with them a lot more whilst you focus on yourself and DS for a bit?? I cant imagine having a partner I love, see every day and supposedly have other children with and yet feeling totally alone and suicidal?! He needs to step up.

[Failureforaparent01]

I don't want to spend time with him, to be completely honest. I've seen him attempt to drown his sister, push her down the stairs, he used to press on her stomach to make her be sick. His behaviour absolutely disgusts me. I'm frankly sad that he is even my child.

Probably about once a week when I take him out of the house.

[Shitsandgigglez]

And I'm not judging you in any way m. Parenting is hard. But there are clearly REASONS why he is behaving like this.

There are lots of good parenting books out there - calm parents, happy kids is s good one. Have you read any?

Does he see his dad? How does your dp treat him?

[Failureforaparent01]

My mum has never had either of my daughters so she won't start now.
I only feel suicidal because of him, if he wasn't here I would be a thousand times happier

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

He probably feels that you don't like him, too! You're neither of you in a good place!

Please, go to your GP... get the ball rolling.

[Failureforaparent01]

No he has no contact with his dad, partner treats him fine, like his own but this is wearing him down too.
We are very close to splitting up because he wants to take the girls and keep them safe

[Failureforaparent01]

I used to spend an hour every day with ds but it doesn't matter, as soon as we are back home this behaviour just starts again

[DerrenBrownings]

Wow. That's a statement.

He clearly needs time investing in him?? I'm actually shocked at what you've said - hes obviously doing this for a reason of which you dont want to explore?? Youd rather he was just taken away? Invest time in him - it will help you and him and undoubtedly the rest of your family. Still no mention of your partner though?

[DerrenBrownings]

Cross post. Ok theres a lot going in. Ask him and yourself - give it some time just you and DS and all the right resources.

[Failureforaparent01]

I have tried to explore it, SS reckon he is just jealous.
I'd rather he was sent away because I'm done, two fucking years of this. My daughter has cuts and bruises from him throwing things at her or knocking her over.

[Teddybear45]

How much 1-2-1 time does he get with you? How is your MH?

Honestly deciding to have another baby when you were already struggling with your eldest wasn’t a good idea. But I guess you now have to deal with it. When your DP is around leave him with your DD and baby and take your DS out. Spend quality one on one time with him. He’s trying to get your attention, that’s why he hits more when it’s just you around with the other kids, as your attention seems to be with the younger ones and probably has been since you were pregnant with your DD.

Your DS isn’t the problem here. I mean this in the kindest way, but you really need to sort your family life out and make an effort with him rather than calling him evil and foisting him on others.

[Shitsandgigglez]

I used to spend an hour every day with ds but it doesn't matter, as soon as we are back home this behaviour just starts agai

It sounds very much as if he is jealous. Possibly feels a bit pushed out. How do you treat him? Honestly? Be completely honest. Do you speak kindly to him? Do you use positive words to describe him? Do you praise his good behaviour? Do you cuddle him and tell him you love him? Do you give him jobs to do so he feels important? Do you get down on the floor and play with him?

[foreverhanging]

Hi op. I would definitely go to the GP for some support x

[Riv]

You are having a really bad time op, must be so tough for you with so little support in your situation.
Is your son unmanageable all the time, or are there times when his behaviour is not too bad?
Your GP can do something to help you and can refer you and your son for some support.
You maybe need to look for some support through some parenting classes too. They often have some good advice and helpful strategies that just might offer a key to supporting you and your family to work through this.

[Teddybear45]

You realise right that if SS take him away they will probably take your other kids too. The fact that they are involved here and taking an interest suggests your home life isn’t great.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Oh, OP! You're both demonising a 4 year old child. You must feel heart sick, scared and angry all at once.

It's OK for us to say "Ah you parented him wrong" or other such witty pieces of hindsight. But you need something you can Do NOW!

And all I can say is that you need professional help, your GP is the starting place. You MUST take that step and start the process of changing your lives.