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To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

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Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 16:16:16

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

CuriousaboutSamphire Thu 16-May-19 16:47:32

Oh, OP! You're both demonising a 4 year old child. You must feel heart sick, scared and angry all at once.

It's OK for us to say "Ah you parented him wrong" or other such witty pieces of hindsight. But you need something you can Do NOW!

And all I can say is that you need professional help, your GP is the starting place. You MUST take that step and start the process of changing your lives.

Pollywollydolly Thu 16-May-19 16:48:32

Why don't you ask your Mum to have your other two children so you can spend some quality time with your son. Talk to him, play with him, laugh with him, build a better relationship with him. Make sure he knows he is loved and give him little ways of helping you be sure he knows you're a team and you rely on his help. Praise the good things he does, just show him that you see him. Gradually involve him with helping his siblings, just little things at first until you feel more confident in his behaviour. Hopefully you'll see a change.

Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 16:48:50

It might not sound like I treat him nicely but I promise you I do! He is in no danger with me I'm just fed up.

Before nursery we usually do a floor jigsaw or just a normal one.
I do use positive words, I have a wipe clean ABC book that I use to help him with speech as he has none. I do tell him I love him, plenty of hugs available and 9/10 he does get a bed time story at night so a bit more time together there.

Jellybeansincognito Thu 16-May-19 16:49:13

How do you react to him when he behaves like this? What are his punishments?

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Thu 16-May-19 16:49:15

You definitely need to push for help,you could end up snapping and hurting him in anger

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Thu 16-May-19 16:49:55

Sorry OP crossposted with you saying you wouldn't hurt him

Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 16:50:06

My mum wont have my other kids no point even asking her, I already know she wont.
I probably have parented wrong, I probably still am but I'm just exhausted, mentally and physically. I have no energy left to deal with this shit

ChocSprinkles18 Thu 16-May-19 16:50:28

I have a 4 year old that is like this (to a much lesser extent). He snatches from his 1 year old brother, shouts in his face and pushes him around. At times I feel like I can’t take my eyes off him for a second because he’s always doing something. It’s full on and draining. I couldn’t imagine having a baby in the mix as well. It must be so difficult. Im honestly hoping he just grows out of it. I’ve tried the love bombing thing and he gets loads and loads of 1 on 1 attention but no significant improvement.
The main thing that helps I’ve found is trying to be out at soft pay/the park etc as much as possible as it diffuses the situation.
I really feel for you though, it’s an awful situation.

Riv Thu 16-May-19 16:51:19

Sorry, cross post. I see you have tried the parenting classes route .

Jellybeansincognito Thu 16-May-19 16:51:20

@Failureforaparent01 I don’t think there’s any such thing as parenting wrong unless that parent is being abusive.

How are you dealing with him?

foreverhanging Thu 16-May-19 16:51:25

Sorry op did you say he doesn't talk at all? Does he have SN?

CuriousaboutSamphire Thu 16-May-19 16:52:14

No speech?

Have you had any external help for that?

It sounds as though he is very frustrated, needs a lot of proper input, from professionals, as well as you!

ChocSprinkles18 Thu 16-May-19 16:52:31

Just seen your update. That’s the most frustrating thing I’ve found. I give so much positive time and energy to my son and he’s still a nightmare!!

YourSarcasmIsDripping Thu 16-May-19 16:53:21

I won't get into the ins and outs of parenting because at the moment this is beyond this.
Yes there probably is a reason for his behaviour,which can be emotional,mental or a disability.

Your first step is GP, go and ask for support. Explain his behaviours ,including lack of speech and anything else he struggles with. Bring a diary with you if you have time to make one. Film any extreme behaviours if safe to do so. They need to understand what is going on and that you both need help.

Your daughters need to be safe.

This is not your fault, but you are the only one that can get the ball rolling. Sadly, it also means you'll have to fight, and you're probably not in the best place for this right now. But you both need it. Good luck.

Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 16:54:05

I promise you I wouldn't hurt my son, if I got to the point of being too angry I would send him to his room that is the extent of it

DerrenBrownings Thu 16-May-19 16:54:49

OP is he non verbal??

RaptorWhiskers Thu 16-May-19 16:54:50

Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused.
I've seen him attempt to drown his sister, push her down the stairs, he used to press on her stomach to make her be sick
We are very close to splitting up because he wants to take the girls and keep them safe

This is utterly shocking. Way beyond just normal child behaviour. If an adult was doing these sort of things the girls would be taken away - but because it’s being done by another child they just have to put up with it? Sorry but I completely understand why their father wants to remove them for their own safety.

Are SS involved? Has there been any assessment of what issues your son might have? I’d be tempted to let your partner take the girls somewhere safe until your son’s behaviour is resolved or he is removed - by keeping them you’re putting them at risk.

Pk37 Thu 16-May-19 16:55:58

I can’t even imagine what you’re going through .
What do you do when he hurts his sisters ?
Maybe when he starts school and starts doing it to other kids someone will take you seriously

Dermymc Thu 16-May-19 16:56:24

He has no speech at all?

Does he qualify for any free nursery hours?

I think you're doing a good job in tricky circumstances. You definitely need to get the ball rolling with getting him assessed.

Marvelendgame Thu 16-May-19 16:56:49

Does he not go to nursery op?

RaptorWhiskers Thu 16-May-19 16:56:58

I have a wipe clean ABC book that I use to help him with speech as he has none
If he can’t talk at 5 then there are clearly undiagnosed SN. Your first port of call should be your GP.

HBStowe Thu 16-May-19 16:57:43

If he is non-verbal at 4, there is obviously a SN element - is he / are you receiving support for that? It could be that being non-verbal frustrates him as he can’t express himself so he lashes out, or there could be other things going on affecting his behaviour. I would be very surprised if this wasn’t a major factor.

Jellybeansincognito Thu 16-May-19 16:58:16

Why are you ignoring my questions? How can we help if you won’t discuss how you react to his behaviour?

Our reactions are hugely important when it comes to dealing with behaviours.

Jellybeansincognito Thu 16-May-19 16:58:58

And echo what everyone else has said regards to sen.

CuriousaboutSamphire Thu 16-May-19 17:00:08

Jellybean have a little compassion. OP is fairly obviously overwhelmed and your rather abrupt demands for information she may not want to give out aren't going to help!

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