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should we split up

(8 Posts)
vanesie Thu 19-Jul-07 11:25:35

2 years ago my dp father gave me a hug wen i arrived at the door after bein caught in the rain. there was nobody else in the house and straight away i felt it was wrong ie (a bit too tight) i decided to forget about it as i didnt want to stir trouble. then a few months later he did same to dd wen nobody was in room. told dp right then as i was so angry.first of all his reaction was that i was wrong and he was devastated as he was a good father. we decided it was best not to say it,( more like he decided) as it would upset mother in law. our agreement was we wouldnt visit anymore but dp would with ds supervised at all times. this has put unbelievable strain on relationship as dd is mine from previous relationship. how do i move on still feel so angry. understand dp angry too. but cant bear to hear his name.

Jackaroo Thu 19-Jul-07 11:49:28

Have either of you said anything to your FIL? Does he realise what is happening? Had he ever made you feel uncomfortable before? Does your DP have any other female relatives/friends who seem to keep their distance? You need somehow to face it together rather than blaming each other it seems. It is awful that the two of you are now burdened with this, when it's triggered by something which is neither of your fautlts.
Maybe you need to see someone like Relate together, so he can talk about how horrible it feels to think that his father might have done this (however much he is in denial, it must be horrible for him) and you need to be able to voice your fears without feeling that your DP will just leave if you say too much.
No idea if that helps, but I'm sure you'll get some sane advice on here........
J

vanesie Thu 19-Jul-07 12:08:09

thank you for advice. he thinks he that by me and my daughter not visiting he done his part. its such a touchy subject because he says his father is an emotionally friendly man and very holy(big deal) he wants us to move on and forget as it could have been worse.it did affect him unreal as he didnt eat or sleep for weeks. nobody else keeps their distance but i always did get a feeling about him. i didnt want to accuse him of anything more serious but if i didnt react he could have tried something(maybe) that sickens me. when he hugged me tight he said oh who knows i might get another hug from you sometime....weirdo. why didnt i have the courage to stand up ther and then. i never see him now but i freeze if i do. my ds isnt biologically their grandchild and his family never really accepted me properly. i dont think he would have did this too anyone else therefore

DangerousBeans Thu 19-Jul-07 12:20:53

I think you need to speak to this man and say that his behaviour made you feel uncomfortable.
It is possible that he was not aware that you considered him to be behaving inappropriately.
It is also possible that he is completely aware, and he should not be allowed to continue to upset people like this.
How old is your DD?
Does your MIL see her grandchildren?

vanesie Thu 19-Jul-07 12:38:17

yes mil sees them as she will babysit in my own home maybe twice per month without fil with her as i wouldnt want him there. dd is 11 yrs and he said come on over and i will give you a hug wen ther was nobody in room. he stroked her head and her back and she said she felt uncomfortable.a few months previous dp said he was acting a bit strange as in (senile) so its hard to tell if he was showing affection to us both or was it something more. dp will call to mil with ds once per week but hes warned to keep ds supervised just in case. i know its hard for him to hear this but at times have felt like splitting and stopping all contact.

Jackaroo Thu 19-Jul-07 13:37:57

Mmm..without wishing to jump to conclusions, from personal experience I would suggest that your DP is only too aware that his father might behave like this. I'm not saying that he has been abused, simply that his reaction might suggest that he knows that it's not all smoke without fire. Now you've explained more detail I'd suggest your FIL knows exactly what he was doing.
The fact that he's "holy" is, I suppose, incidental. The reality is that my personal experience involves a relative who had problems with two separate individuals, both of whom were clergy. So I don't think that makes him a safer character.
So, the MIL does know something is up, and doesn't say anything/wonder out loud what the problem is? ............ how do you explain the FIL not coming to your house when she does?
Am I reading too much into that?
I can see why you would feel it's easier to just leave and drop all contact, but if you and DP have had an otherwise great relationship wouldn't it be awful to lose it because of this man?
Meanwhile, if your DP is truly worried that senility might be a problem, then he really needs to get his father to a doctor. If it was that, though, I perception is that he wouldn't be so careful as to make sure others weren't around etc... that implies some planning/calculation, surely?

vanesie Thu 19-Jul-07 14:48:30

hi jackaroo they are the type of parents that never really call anyway which is good. never had good relationship with mil as she didnt want her son to settle down with someone with a chid. so i dont think it bothers her that i ddont see them. they must wander alright but at the end of the day he has to know why. dont want to accuse him of anything but hope someday ill find courage to say he made us both uncomfortable and that my dp does know. we have a great relationship otherwise together 10 yrs now and i dont want to split our family up. but i do feel i was put 2nd best in this situation. thanks for takin time out to listen....

Jackaroo Thu 19-Jul-07 14:57:14

That's OK - I know what it's like when your partner does nothing - they see it as sittingon the fence/not causing waves, you see it as a betrayal...
Good luck, I truly hope you can resolve things.

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