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help me get through the next 12 hours

(157 Posts)
legalalienindulwich Thu 12-Jul-07 21:55:38

This is the first post I've done and can't believe I' posting it - although I constantly feel at the end of my tether, now I really think I may be there.

By way of background (which is doubtless boring and somewhat narcissistic (SP?), but bear with me as I suspect that half the battle will be me writing this down and getting it off my chest:

I've suffered from clinical depression since my mid teens. I grew up in a small town where social connections were very important, my parents came from overseas and didn't fit in, I was a fairly bright but not very confident child, and did what I had to to adapt to the circumstances. Which meant, as a result of my perfectionist tendencies, succumbing to anorexia/bulimia. I dropped out of university after my first year in order to sort this out, had a break down of sorts (sent to counselling, which was completely hopeless as I managed to convince the counsellor that it was all my parents' fault - which it really wasn;t) - and after a year off was strong enough to take myself back to university and earn myself a really good law degree. Except that, instead of relying on my ability to control food, I just drank a lot and exercised obsessively. All of which qualified me nicely to be a highly successful work hard/play hard lawyer for the following decade, in the course of which I had a successful career and ended up in London with an equally successful partner. The depression, naturally, never wore off - it comes in bouts, but I've always worked on the basis that knowing your enemy gets you a long way - and if you keep busy your mind gets diverted into other things. I told my husband and he listened but I don't think you can really understand unless you've been there.

Anyway, we decided to start a family. Obviously we both had careers, and we agreed that his would come first but subject to some important parameters - he'd stay home until the nanny arrived in the morning - so that I could start really early if necessary - and that he'd come home one night a week (so that I could have some semblance of a social life). Neither of which has happened, and I;ve ended up in a job that I wouldn't have chosen, through necessity. I'm in a bigger house - something I've always made clear is not important to me - and am 12.000 miles from either of our families. None of our friends have children/ We've just moved house and I know no-one nearby. DH has been working on a project in a different city for the last nine months, home only from after bedtime Friday until before sun up on Monday. In that period I've had to move house completely solo, as well as working full time and taking responsibility for all chores, household admin etc (Poor me )

So far I'm surviving and putting the best show that I can on for DS (aged 2.5), but although I've coped with a hell of a lot of stuff for almost 20 years, I'm worried that I'm near breaking point. So if you can, just say something supportive. Don't bother to suggest that I ring some kind of helpline / speak to my GP because frankly, I've been there, done that several times now, and it ain't going to make a difference. I WILL cope, just that right now, I need someone to say something that indicates to me that I'm not a complete loser.

OK - rant over, feel slightly better already, but any comments welcomed, at the risk of reducing me to tears

mummypigoink Thu 12-Jul-07 21:58:27

here's a hug.

muuuuummy Thu 12-Jul-07 22:01:22

YOU ARE DOING A FAB JOB. KEEP WORKING ON SMILING THROUGH THE TEARS

legalalienindulwich Thu 12-Jul-07 22:01:35

Well, that worked in terms of the tears. God I'm sad (although weirdly it doesn't sound sad or pathetic when you read other people's posts - so maybe I've still got some kind of perspective. Which is what actually worries me most.....

SNOWBall4girlz Thu 12-Jul-07 22:02:31

Wow I think you are incredibly brave and strong woman and who deserves a bit of recognition from your other half definely not a LOSER in any way.
{{hugs}}

muuuuummy Thu 12-Jul-07 22:03:06

Perspective is all you need to get you through. That and as much sleep as you can lay your hands on (although that should probably be lay your head on!)

SNOWBall4girlz Thu 12-Jul-07 22:03:41

oop definately sp !?

muuuuummy Thu 12-Jul-07 22:04:45

Oh yes - my gorgeous aunt who had twin boys and than another 18 months later had the motto .....

"if the going gets tough - lower your standards"

nellie75 Thu 12-Jul-07 22:05:26

Remember that when your ds gets older he will know that he has got a fantastic mummy who has worked and raised him, nearly single handedly and he will be one very proud son with a very good role model

legalalienindulwich Thu 12-Jul-07 22:06:17

Can I just say - I don't want to make DH sound bad - just that his life experience (of being a round peg in a round hole) is quite different to mine; and that his way of dealing with my problems is to stay neutral - which I've always encouraged - but I don't think he realistically CAN understand the amount of energy it takes to stop yourself from disappearing into a black hole from time to time. Also, his reaction to fatherhood has been very 1950's - stress about having to "provide", which I actually don't understand - but then I come from a very different, working class background! I think that probably creates its own stresses. Although I don't understand them.

LittleLupin Thu 12-Jul-07 22:07:18

You are not a complete loser. You have coped with a LOT.

And as you say - know your enemy - sometimes just acknowledging that you are struggling can help.

Welcome to Mumsnet! (are you Australian? we've got a few I think)

legalalienindulwich Thu 12-Jul-07 22:08:14

Muuuumy - yep, sleep would be a good thing - roll on Winter - both DS and I wake up when the sun comes up and the birds start singing (hmm, birds singing, feeling better already!)

legalalienindulwich Thu 12-Jul-07 22:09:20

12,000 miles is a give away! Nope, I'm a kiwi, but my DH and a heck of a lot of friends are Aussies, and I worked in melbourne for a while, so according to them I have honorary status

Louplet Thu 12-Jul-07 22:12:14

hang on in there - I'm a lawyer myself so I understand the stresses and strains on that side - haven't gone back to work yet after DS1 and am not looking forward to it (it was pretty hard core still while I was pregnant). It's a tough one particularly with everything else you have got to deal with on top. You sound like a strong person though. You have been through so much. You can deal with this too. Big hug. You are not alone.

LittleLupin Thu 12-Jul-07 22:12:15

My best mate is a kiwi - she's mad as a fish and has left me to go and live in HK, rotten moo

At least you have friends here

Filchymindedvixen Thu 12-Jul-07 22:15:14

Stop with the loser, saddo stuff - you sound like an extremley strong person wwho is shouldering extreme amounts of stress.
...Imagine your life is a bucket and is filling with water (stress). You need holes in oyur bucket to let the stress (water) out, otherwise it will overflow.
Find some more holes, beautiful lady...What makes you feel good? Singing loudly? Do it! Ringing a friend? Having a hot bath? Meditation? Messing about on Mumsnet? Just do whatever makes you feel less stressed!

Lots of love, luck, light and laughter . . .

LittleLupin Thu 12-Jul-07 22:18:24

Nice one, FMV

legalalienindulwich Thu 12-Jul-07 22:19:36

Louplet - any fan of Katherine H and Billie Holiday is a potential friend of mine. If you fancy a Chablis and "The Lion in Winter" some evening, sing out. Having done the return to work / become a PSL / move to private practice thing I might even have some words of wisdom!

Littlelupin - we are all mad (although I am not sure whether mad enough to live in HK, I visited some mates there once and it was certainly a different (read: cocktails at 2am on weeknights and maids sleeping under the kitchen table) world.

LittleLupin Thu 12-Jul-07 22:21:35

LAID (excellent acronym! ) I think their 2am cocktail days are over, they just had a baby... but they have definitely had their share of party days (I used to share a flat with her and the world's tallest Samoan girl - it's a miracle I survived! )

legalalienindulwich Thu 12-Jul-07 22:23:08

FMV - the hot bath will be happening as soon as the paint carefully applied by the Polish painting duo that I managed to round up dries. If anyone needs a painter/plasterer in south London, I have a name....

(tears have stopped, this is really working. although could become a substitute addiction).


NO - bad LAID (only just figured out the acronym, that's sad and un-lawyerlike)......must not turn into internet junkie as spend enough time in front of PC at work.....

LittleLupin Thu 12-Jul-07 22:24:11

Yeah, good luck with that, we have you now! <evil laugh>

Filchymindedvixen Thu 12-Jul-07 22:25:24

<<joins in - mwwwah-ha-ha-haaaar>>>

legalalienindulwich Thu 12-Jul-07 22:25:26

LL - they have amahs. One of my more frightening friends has said that she will only have children if she can have them in HK and outsource the looking after the children bit (not sure what the point is, guess this is a true case of "the selfish gene")

Butterbeertroot Thu 12-Jul-07 22:26:37

when are you moving?

Butterbeertroot Thu 12-Jul-07 22:26:38

when are you moving?

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