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How do I stop letting this get to me?

(2 Posts)
KnackeredAndDrained Wed 11-Jul-07 00:02:17

My mum is making my life a misery. To cut a very long story short. She constantly critisizes my parenting, snide comments etc. This is from a woman who offers me NO moral support whatsoever, who hardly knows me anymore because she is usually too drunk to talk to me so I dont bother phoning these days.

She picks me up on things all the time. I know i'm disorganised, I struggle to cope at times with my two, one of whom is a particularly difficult toddler. Im working full time as a lone parent. Im often tired and often stressed. I've had money problems lately as many of us do. But I don't treat my kids badly, I just muddle along, not always getting it right but still. The kids are fed, clothed, clean (as clean as a toddler can ever be!) and happy I hope. They are well loved.

I dont think im a bad daughter or a bad person, I dont put on her, I dont go out much, I go to work, come back home and that's it but she makes me feel useless and crap like I cant do a thing right.

It wouldn't be so bad if she had been a perfect mother but she was awful. She left me on my own from a very early age, wasn't particularly nasty but completely disinterested and had no time at all for me. Her husband hit both of us and his mental abuse and name calling was something else. She let this carry on until I left home.

So the resentment has been bubbling over for a long time that she has the audacity to tell me im a rubbish mother, but I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. Ive tried to talk to her sensibly about our past but the last time she ran wailing and crying from my house, with her hands over her ears "why are you doing this to me?". Occasionally it gets to me and I lose my temper with her. We argued in front of my children the other day (I know, I shouldnt have happened). She told me my kids were terrified of me and hated being at home with me. She took them to her house and when I went to pick them up she told me I couldn't bring them back. I found out later she had been telling my son that im "gone in the head".

She was being over dramatic as usual but this hurts so much. I adore my kids, I would never do anything to hurt them and here I am being treated like a monster. Over the last few years i've watched my mother turn from a mixed up, weak and disinterested but well meaning person to a vindictive spiteful wreck and there's nothing I can do to stop it happening.

I don't know why she feels the need to make me out to be this terrible person, and to put me down so much. I dont understand it. I dont see my dad, he's been long gone, my mum is all ive got and she's not my mother anymore. For all her failings I love her, but I dont love who she's become and im having trouble coping with the realisation that she will only get worse .

I feel just like I did as a child, angry with everyone and unable to do anything to stick up for myself for fear of the consequences. I thought I was over my childhood but its swiftly coming back to bite me. I dont know how to deal with this.

The thing that hurts the most, more than the fact that I have no idea why she is doing this to me, is that she is telling people my children are scared of me. (Ds even came home and said that nanny was lying). It breaks my heart every time I even think about that. Its almost like she is determined to make out my kids have "problems at home".

Sorry, ive rambled on for far too long.

TranquilaManana Wed 11-Jul-07 00:10:46

you have not rambled at all. was v coherent.

i would think the way i would approach it is to sit down and write out all i would like to say to her... then re-write it inmuch fewer words... and send it.

or, say along the lines of 'i love you. but you are hurting me and you ae upsetting my children. they are my children and their happiness is my responsibility and so i wont let you. if you want to talk to me and let me help you with whatever is going on...great. but if not, i tell you now; stop this behaviour or you wont see them or me more than twice a year.'

i think thats what i would do (one never really knows tho, until the situation arises do they?)

you hav emy respect and sympathy for everything you have put up with so far

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