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I feel so stuck and crave freedom (long!)(12 Posts)
Such a long story that I'll try to keep short if possile. I don't know where to start so if it's all over the place, apologies in advance.
I'm 29 and utterly fed-up. I've been off work for the last eight weeks due to 'stress related disorder' according to my sick certs. Doctor put me on AD's but I asked to come off them as I felt emotionally restrained on them.
A brief background.....I left school early with no skill or training and basically did nothing for a few years. Too interested in parties and the like to get organised and do something worthwhile. I fell pg 8years ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't have time to regret and whinge over the wasted years, I just got on with it and decided to show my daughter that you don't give up when you make mistakes - you learn from them and move on.
I decided to study as a mature student and with the help of my family and a lot of sacrafices (time with dd etc) I passed my exams and now have a great job(financially). I have been able to get a mortgage and keep on top of the bills with a little disposable income too but I'm not happy. I split with dd's dad when she was 1yo (we remain great friends) and have been with dp for three years. I love him like no other but I think we're on different paths.
He is four years younger than me but that is of no consequence (or maybe it is and I can't see it)We have discussed having another baby but he is adamant(sp?) he does not want one. Still talking about building a house and going back to college.
I don't know what it is but I feel so stuck. I hate my job, not the actual work but the fact that I don't see my dd as much as I'd like too. I work shift and never know what I'm working from one week to the next(whole other story but that's how it is for now and the immediate future)
I feel like I worked my ass off for a career that would ensure I could provide for dd and I, independant of anyone else (trust issues with men!)and it just is not worth it anymore.
I have no friends because I relocated to get this job. I'm sick of dp and his materialistic view of the world.
I want love and life and family and friends not a job that keeps me away from dd so much and a dp driven by the desire to have all the things that money can buy. Yeah, I'd love to win the lotto or be a famous actress or writer but that is fantasy. In this lifetime I just want to be happy and healthy and want the same for my loved ones.
Life is too short for what this world has become for me. I want to run away with dd and live in a cottage and Home Ed and have chickens and a cow or a goat and no tv and lots of books and coffee and memories and laughs and FREEDOM.
That's it, I want peace and peace of mind.
(oh and MN but I'm in denial about my addiction to same....ssshhhhhh!)
Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far
oops, I didn't realise it would be that long
Oh yes. I want to run away as well. But to a big city !
Maybe I'm getting old at 29 or maybe I just need to slow down for a while then I'll be fit for the big city again.
. sounds like you did extremely well abroller. You deserve a break
For now I'll settle for a nice bubble bath and fleecy pj's. Take care
Time to change then. It is your life and you can change it. there's nothing whatsoever to say that just because you once thought that getting trained and providing financially and as a career role model for your dd was the right way to go, does not mean that is your life forever or that you can't change your mind!
You don't have to stay in the same job. Financially if this was me, I would take the stress and anxiety you're under, as a huge sign that things need to change, and I'd work out exactly how little you need to bring in! If you don't NEED to work, don't - while you sort out your life and what you want to do. If you do need to work, be open minded. The MOST fun job I have had since having ds was part time at marks and spencer! And no, I didn't go to Uni to be a till lady....however, my priority changed when I had a child and my life was at home, not at work.
I also think you need to have some big heart to hearts with your dp where you take some time to see if you can find some common ground. Is it worth staying with someone for the rest of your life if you feel they are the polar opposite of you? Or maybe he isn't so unwilling to change as you might think - if it's made clear to him that his relationship is on the line?
I think you're right; life is short. It's so worth trying to make it want you want it to be. And FWIW I think you're so right, that family time with your dd is worth more than material things.
Thank you so much HG. I needed to hear that I wasn't silly for considering packing it all in. I've been out for a while on my own and I've come back slighty more positive. Change is a scary thing but I've faced scarier. I'll try to maintain a positive mindset and I'll try to have hope.
Thank you for reading and responding.
there's an army of us who feel exactly like you, but congrats for being honest/brave enough to say it. One thing I'd add to HG's good advice is that if you talk, and keep talking to dp, friends and/or anyone who you trust about your thoughts you'll feel better, and the way forward, whatever that is, will be clearer. Remember, there's no right or wrong - only what's right for you!
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