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I dont know how to be happy anymore. I think I need help but I dont know where to turn or what to do.
I have been putting on a brave face, an act of everything being OK, for so long. Now I am admitting to myself that I am desperately unhappy most of the time. I dont seem to be able to be nice to the people who love me. I am always picking faults in my wonderful husband and lately I have found little joy in my children, who of course, I love dearly.
The past week or so I have found myself sobbing and up until then I have not cried properly for a couple of years. Ive been convincing myself that things will get better when X happens; things will get better when I do Y. But those days come and those things happen and I feel no different. I dont change.
A whole multitude of circumstances and personal problems lead me to this current state. Not working, moved to a new area a few years ago, few close friends, boredom, low self-esteem, shyness, a feeling of underachievement throughout my life, feeling trapped even though I very much want to remain married to my husband and in a family unit with my children.
Im so overwhelmed and paralysed by it all, I no longer know what to do for the best. I do not fancy my chances of getting a new job in my current state. Without a job and a sense of being, I feel inferior and dont feel comfortable and confident in making new friends, without spare time I feel stressed and bored with the minutiae of day to day life.
I keep denying that I am depressed for several reasons. I have very good days and good weeks and for a long time have put my mood down to horrid PMT. I dont see how I can be depressed when I can still feel happy and look forward to things sometimes. Another reason is that I have been against taking anti-depressants. I took Fluoxetine when I was at University 10 years ago and it helped but I remember that numb feeling. I also worry about loss of libido because its not long since it came back. I mostly worry about having depression on my medical notes. How is that going to help me get a new job? My shyness means I avoid the doctor whenever possible. I really do not know how I could go to my doctor and tell her all of this. I cant even tell my husband I dont want him to think of me as a victim.
Please someone help. I need to know that if I do take ADs, it could be a gateway to my life changing for the better. If not, what else cold I do? How can I change myself so that I like myself? How can I get better if I dont treat the causes of my depression? And how do I do that and actually see results? I feel like I am wasting my one life here and I dont want to live a life of bitterness. I dont want to be me anymore. I feel like I would like to run away from it all but I could never actually do that.
I forgot to put a title. Ignore this I will start it again.
Inafog, I have been and am where you are. It's not easy to soldier on when you feel that low.
imho it's very possible to have good moments and still be depressed. I have good phases and then downright 'want to drive into next tree phase'. Please go and see your doctor or a counciller, I'm sure they've had to 'deal with' shy people before. Nowadays depression isn't tagged with such a stigma anymore so it shouldn't be a downside for finding a new job. If you have to fill in a medical form and it asks about mental illness/depression tick yes and put PND It's widly accepted nowadays.
Would your husband understand if you told him all this? Or would it just make him feel helpless? My dh never knows what to do when I'm in one of my emotional droughts...
I don't know you personally so can't really start to suggest anyting that you could change about yourself to feel better. Are there any particular areas about yourself you are not happy with? Hair? Skin? weight? Would it change how you feel about yourself if you change them?
Also with you already formulating everything that is bothering you here on mn is the first step to seeking help and making changes
Not sure whether my waffling helped but at least you know you're not the only one out there feeling like this.
I'm not sure ADs are always the answer, though I'm sure they help lots of people. It seems you have realised that you don't want to carry on the way you are feeling which is a good start. Try to write down what you want to do that may make things better. I know it sounds trivial but maybe do something that you always wanted to do. Talk to someone, maybe counselling would help. Sometimes talking to someone you don't know is easier than someone close. It will be a slow process but you deserve to be happy and you will be! Good luck!
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