A bit of a crisis

[beachcomber243]

I have had a long standing friend who has often made me feel bad about myself, making me feel a nuisance, making me feel stupid by snappy remarks etc. I've always tried to tell her how it makes me feel and forgiven her, tried to help her more etc. [She has some problems]. When not like this she is fine, helpful and good company. So I cut her a lot of slack.

But as she gets older, has promotion, has her own house now etc. it's getting worse and now I'm worn down and can't take any more sniping or her bad moods. I hate confrontation and I know trying to talk things through never works, just makes her angry and there's a row as I try and stand up for myself.

Now after being snapped [shouted] at yet again whilst trying to help her do something, I feel like I have snapped too. I can't take any more.I have not been in contact and do not wish to be. I'm sure she won't contact me, it's always me trying to sort things out.

That's ok but I live on my own, retired through ill health, no other close friends, family all busy and distant. I will be ok in the end I suppose, but I know I will falter as time goes on. [Usually forgive her and miss the good bits of the friendship].

I've been an idiot but now I must look after my mental well being. But it's going to be tough. Any tips? I know I must keep busy but can't stop thinking how I am going to be even more lonely than I already was.

[beachcomber243]

Just to add, my problem is anxiety and CPTSD from being rejected in childhood and beyond. I find leaving/letting go of people incredibly hard and am having a real wobble. I have no support, that's the main problem. I guess I will have to use help lines etc.

Trying to put coping mechanisms into place....I know I will have bad days although anger at her treatment of me is keeping me going at the moment. Advice welcome.

[Oly5]

You poor thing. You sound absolutely lovely and your friend doesn’t sound like a friend at all. A real friend doesn’t shout at you regularly and hurt you. You deserve so much better than this.
Is there anything you can do to branch out an try to make other friends? Could you try volunteering at a local charity or hospital/hospice, is there a hobby you enjoy such as walking or a book club? You need to leave your home and seek out some new opportunities so that you don’t feel so alone and lonely.
I’m sorry you were rejected as a child. Have you managed to get some help for your own low self esteem and anxiety? A GP would be able to help you.
Good luck... and remember that you deserve better than this so-called friend

[beachcomber243]

Thank you Oly a list of things to do is what I need. I can distract myself to a point but need to do more outside the home. I will get onto it all as I will have a free weekend to plan things for me for a change.

I have had counselling in the past and maybe I need to get some more now. I do not deserve to be the butt of her bad temper and if I've done anything wrong I do apologise. My self esteem is on the floor. I will try to get counselling asap.

I know for a fact she would not talk to anyone else as she talks to me, it is so unfair. If I told you what I have done to help her you would not believe it. I always tried to please my mother, and it's what I've done here. It didn't work then, why on earth should it work now.


Thanks for your input, it's helped.

[beachcomber243]

I love walking btw. She doesn't and made me feel I was weird for liking it. I'm thinking of volunteering somehow even though health issues may mean I'm a bit unreliable, maybe I could work in the background somewhere.

[beachcomber243]

Sliding down today. I want to make things right, but know it won't work. I want to phone and ask why I'm talked to like a piece of rubbish. But I mustn't. It will make me feel 100% worse as I will be shouted down...that always happens.

Keep trying to distract myself, but getting waves of panic coming over me. I'm really on my own and unbelievably, unbearably lonely and I fear years more of this, no support here. I can't live like this. Barely slept last night.

I have amazing social anxiety, hate groups of people...I go home feeling worse/suicidal after being in a class or club. I don't make friends easily, just watch others making arrangements to meet up etc.

[Oly5]

You sound so lovely. You definitely need some help to deal with your anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. I would start there. Can you afford to pay privately for counselling? If not then go straight to your Gp and get on the waiting list. Repeat what you’ve said here.
Then work on building your confidence through joining groups and volunteering. Could you work for a few hours in a local charity shop for example? You would be part of a team and would meet other volunteers. Join that walking club.
But I wouldn’t do these things until you’ve accessed some counselling if all your previous attempts have made at social interaction made you feel worse. They should be making you feel better.
Forget this friend - she is emotionally abusing you

[beachcomber243]

Thanks for your support Oly. Thanks for the advice and suggestions I've been doing a lot of thinking/insomnia.

Today is a bit better helped by the weather and instead of spending the day with someone who won't do local shops/a lovely local park/walking along the seafront [or grumping constantly if she has done it]....I have done all those things. And not had to be in the car with nerves jangling whilst she has road rage!

I intend to look into getting counselling, going to a friendship group, WI etc. I won't be pulled down by this person who has indeed been emotionally abusive, usually moody or snappy. Looking at it I think she has been wanting me to leave her alone for a while but I have been extremely useful meanwhile though haven't I?

I've been an idiot but intend to get my identity back now. Just need to deal with the odd wobble and panic.

[Oly5]

Yes, the relationship you have with her sounds toxic. It would be so nice if you could have a group of friends so that you have more of a choice of people to see/things to do. Definitely try counselling and then doing lot of different things/groups so you are coming across a variety of people.
So pleased you had a nice day doing thing you enjoy! Being kind to yourself is also key to this. Good luck!

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Well done for getting out today and enjoying some fresh air
It's not easy when you have no one else to turn to but it's very important not to step back.you don't need "friends" like that.you sound lovely and am sure you wouldn't behave the way she to anyone.you are worth so much more

[Mesmeri]

Hi Beachcomber... just to say, my mum (who is also retired and lives alone) was in a very similar position to what you describe with a close friend of hers. She eventually cut contact with her friend a couple of years ago (after many years of agonizing about the situation) and has been very happy and relieved ever since. Says that she doesn't miss her at all and is so glad she finally did it.

[beachcomber243]

Stillliving I have gone back in the past, I really must not do so now and you are right I would not talk to or try to control anyone as has been done to me. I have more respect/compassion than that.

Mesmeri thanks for letting me know I am not the only one who has been torn in a similar situation. I actually feel a lot of relief but I am feeling awful for distancing myself l but I've tried for many years only to see the situation getting worse. I'm glad your mum is happier now, long may it continue.


Oly I vowed when we forged our friendship that I would support this 'friend' but I did not sign up to being ridiculed and being taken advantage of. So 'toxic' is right. I must keep positive about the future...haven't spoken to anyone for 9 days now, but that's not unusual.

Thanks for the support everyone.