Had enough

[missF3dup]

I don't think I've ever really had thoughts about not been here anymore, but recently they keep coming Into my head and I don't know why? Ok maybe I do.
I wouldn't ever do anything silly as I also don't want to die. I don't want to leave my kids behind.
But I just feel life is dragging me down. I am so trying to look for the positives but it's so hard.
My dd has asd and she's 16, and is really struggling with what she wants to do in life. She keeps lying and saying she isn't meant to be at work experience when she is meant to be. And says she's depressed. I've talked to her lots and it doesn't seem to go in.
Then there's my partner, we have been together 2 years. And he is widowed.
And I have tried to be strong for him as I know he still feels guilty with seeing someone new. But all I seem to get is mixed messages. And I get it's hard.
But one minute he loves me and feels so guilty about it and the next he is not sure if he sees a future with me. I have 2 kids and he is older and he says he can't imagine ever living with me and them.
But I love him so much and we are great together. After my ex he is like a breath of fresh air and we have known each other for a very long time.
I just think maybe if something happened to me, would I know he really cares?
I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am.
Maybe I shouldn't focus my life on a man. But my heart aches. Do I give up do I give him more time. Am I being selfish? I'm 41 and DP is 53.
I'm scared to face the future alone. My DDs are growing up fast and both in high school.
The ex is still a knob and drives me insane.
My work is full on and yeah wish I could just make it all go away and stop hurting.

Sorry so long, this is the short version 😔