Suffering with Depression and Anxiety

[7415N1d0r1391117]

Hey

I was wondering if I could find some lovely ladies who were going through the same thing as me.
I got diagnosed with depression in 2016, not postnatal but an event as such triggered it and felt myself getting worse and worse until they diagnosed me, however, I felt this wasn’t taken very seriously because nothing else happened. No support, no advice, no medication, nothing.
In February 2017 I got pregnant with my youngest and the first month with hormones was tough but eventually I felt “better”. The only problem was I started to develop anxiety, and it was bad. I would have random panic attacks, anxiety attacks, I was terrified of something terrible happening to myself, my partner, my family, my son or my unborn baby. I had a very abuse ex who I was/am terrified of and this played a massive part in it.
Every time I was VERY anxious I would slightly bleed and then I’d feel my anxieties and worries were coming true and something was wrong with my baby.. long story short I have a very healthy 10 month old despite many, many bleeds (and with no medical explanation) I put this down to my mental health really affecting my body.

After having my youngest I was really high on life. I had an incredible birth, I had lots of support and help around me and I just felt fab. I worried throughout my pregnancy that suddenly my depression would hit as soon as I gave birth but everything seemed great..
Until about 3 weeks after. By this time I knew it wasn’t baby blues and I hit the darkest, most unbearable, time in my life. I look back and feel so ashamed of all the thoughts and feelings I was having.
In the day, I felt awful, but I got on with life. My boys are the reason everything ended up fine, and I know sometimes with depression etc it affects your parenting but it did the opposite for me.. kinda..I was so protective and anxious, I couldn’t let neither of them out of my sight. I had to be the one looking after them and didn’t rely on anyone else. I felt if I wasn’t the one being there for them then I really had no purpose. They were my everything. Until they went to bed. Both the boys have slept amazingly (thankfully) and both go to bed a normal time and sleep through. I’ve been incredibly lucky but once they’re asleep that was when all my horrible, dark thoughts and feelings would flud in. I would disappear at night with no intentions of returning. It was awful. It brings me to tears and makes me feel like a terrible parent just thinking about how selfish I was being but I know it wasn’t my fault. Only now I am starting to realise I was very unwell.
I got the support I needed this time, probably having a baby made the GP step up, mental health team step up, and I started CBT. I actually was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Things did start to improve. I was on 200mg of Sertraline for 7 months and I felt I wanted to slowly come off of them to see if I couldn’t try go the CBT etc without medication. I’ve successfully been off of the tablets for 7 months! 3 months after stopping them I have fallen pregnant with baby no3. I’m over the moon and couldn’t be happier.
I moved house, even county, a few months ago too so I have a new GP, health team etc.. I am anxious they will think the worst of me but I’m trying to show I’m capable of parenting as well as dealing with my mental health. I have to see a consultant soon, which I assume is because of my mental health?

The reason for this post is, I felt I was really improving mentally even when I stopped my tablets. I’m worried having another bubba is going to put me back to square one, is this the case for anyone?
Obviously my ptsd, depression and anxiety is a constant work and it won’t ever just disappear but I just need some reassurance that it might not be as bad after the third one?
Or maybe not reassurance but other peoples experiences etc..

I rarely open up about my mental health. Family members know but don’t quite “get it”. I have an INCREDIBLE partner who tries his hardest to understand and be there for me. I am so grateful to have him.. it just would be nice to meet some other people in the same boat too.

💓