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to not want to be alive anymore?

(95 Posts)

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wishicould1 Wed 08-Aug-18 22:00:37

I've name changed as I'm so ashamed and don't want anyone in RL to know who I am.

I spend most/all of my time wishing I wasn't here, I pray everyday that I will die in a car crash or be diagnosed with a terminal illness, I wander the streets at night just waiting for something to happen. I think about suicide but I'm not brave enough to do it - I wish I was.

I've tided and cleared out all my stuff so my family don't have to do it and got my affairs in order - not that I have any money. I've also written a note and leave it in my bedside table so if something happens they'll be able to understand why.

I'm fully expecting to be told to just get on with it and be grateful for what I have but I just don't think I can go on anymore.

For what its worth I've had a good life, no traumas, no abuse, no worries at all really, its just the last 6 months I've been like this.

Whitelisbon Wed 08-Aug-18 22:03:04

Please tell someone how you feel. Tonight, if possible. Anyone. Family, friends, samaratins. Someone.
This isn't healthy, as I'm sure you know.
I'm sure someone else will be along soon who has a more helpful answer than me, but, talking is a good start. flowers

HelpmeobiMN Wed 08-Aug-18 22:04:38

Oh OP, you poor soul. You’re in pain - you can’t just get on with it.

You have depression. You need medicine and therapy and advice from your GP. Have you sought help from them? Are you on antidepressants?

You don’t deserve to feel this way and it isn’t inevitable - you can and will feel better again.

DeadGood Wed 08-Aug-18 22:05:02

You can overcome this, you don’t need to feel this way. Call your GP in the morning and tell them you need an appointment urgently. Then tell the GP what you have said here. Then things will get better.

Good luck x

Query1 Wed 08-Aug-18 22:05:18

Please make an appointment to see your GP and talk to someone about this. You don’t have to feel this way. So many people feel like this and it is totally treatable and life can be good again. Please please please make an appointment with your doctor or call The Samaritans or similar if you need to talk tonight. You have so much worth that you wouldn’t even realise when you’re in this state of mind. Please seek help urgently.

buttercup54321 Wed 08-Aug-18 22:05:24

You sound depressed. See the doctor asap. In the meantime call Samaritans for a chat.

RayRayBidet Wed 08-Aug-18 22:05:40

Has something happened in the last six months to make you feel this way?
I'm so sorry you feel so bad, I'm sure there are people in RL who would miss you if you were gone.
We're here for you

BrokenFlipflop Wed 08-Aug-18 22:05:53

Goodness, I can't imagine anyone on here telling you to get on with it. I'm so sorry that you feel so low and lost.

Could you talk to your GP or to the Samaritans?

What's happened in your life over the last 6 months? Would it help to chat on here?


AiryFairy1991 Wed 08-Aug-18 22:06:18

116 123

Please call the Samaritans. That is heir number. I’d also advise making an appointment with your GP. They can help you.

You don’t have to feel this way.

You are important.

FlissMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 08-Aug-18 22:07:20

Hello wishicould1,
We do hope you don't mind, but when threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We're going to move this thread over to our Mental Health topic now.

Sorry for hijacking your thread wishicould1 and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.


Monny1 Wed 08-Aug-18 22:07:29

Please get help, the Samaritans, friend, family.

GodivaEater Wed 08-Aug-18 22:07:57

OP you’re in the midst of depression, take it from a lifelong depressive. You will feel so relieved to have some help- support, therapy, medication, or all three. But you must tell someone how you feel because you need some help with this. Trust me the relief that comes from telling someone and getting some help is huge. Hang in there til morning and then you must ring your GP for an urgent appointment.

DramaAlpaca Wed 08-Aug-18 22:08:27

I'm sorry you are feeling that way OP flowers

Would you talk to your GP? You sound very low but there is help out there.

pearses Wed 08-Aug-18 22:12:28

jesus thats brutal. A lot of my friends recently have come out saying the same. 2 of them have been diaginosed with Suicide Ideation - what they said when they were at their worst was very similar to what you said. The recovery though has been amazing.

Please go the doctor - with both that was the first step, but ring samartians tonight. I don't know if there is a private message on this forum but if you want to no more about their experience (I was with them all the way) send me a message anytime

Tistheseason17 Wed 08-Aug-18 22:13:02

A lot of people have felt this way.

It does happen and it's not just you. There is plenty of support and help for you. Please ask for it and please book to see your GP.

Things can and do change and you can feel differently flowers

KingKongNoWrong Wed 08-Aug-18 22:13:23

I couldve wrote this post.
It’s hard, more than hard, but we are both still here this evening, somehow. That says a lot.
I’m sending you my last ounce of strength flowers

Pearcrumble Wed 08-Aug-18 22:14:56

Hi @wishicould1, I have been in that dark place too. I had depression. I thought I would never be the old happy me again, that my lack of hope was now forever, and that the world would be better of without me. It is so trite to say this now but- this feeling can and will pass.

Call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK for a non judgemental chat, I did.

Please don't feel ashamed, these feelings can and do happen to anyone.

Love from someone who doesn't know you, but does care about you.

MrsMarigold Wed 08-Aug-18 22:15:58

Go to the doctor, your family need you and you can overcome this. I too have suffered from depression so I know where you are flowers

Ahostofgoldendaffodils Wed 08-Aug-18 22:16:53

Ah my darling, please know that you’re not alone and there’s lots of help out there and this feeling you have will pass when you get the right help. Please, please do what other posters have suggested and phone the Samaritans now, they will help. If you can, speak to someone you trust - a friend or relative and arrange an emergency GP appointment tomorrow. You have been so brave in posting this - you can do it! XXXXX

Atthebottomofthesea Wed 08-Aug-18 22:17:43

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this, but as others have said please speak to your GP.

I've been there, not wanting to actively do anything but not bothered about something happening. But it can be better, a whole load of medication and time and things are better,

Please reach out for help, it was hard to make that first call to my GP but it did help.

TheHermit Wed 08-Aug-18 22:25:06

I felt like you did.
My thoughts had changed over a period of time and I didn't see it.

The only thing that gave me relief was the thought of dying. I could see no hope and had no desire for a future.

I had it all planned out and felt calm about it. I didn't tell anyone of my thoughts or plans and had no insight that something was out of balance in my mind.

Somehow someone who knew me well saw that something was very wrong and got me to the doctor. I needed medication to balance the chemicals in my brain, and it worked.

I slowly became the self I had lost in the illness. You need recovery time as with any life threatening illness. That's what you're experiencing now.

It is an illness, and a very cruel one at that. It's very hard to see when your mind tells you otherwise.

I promise you that this can pass and that you can feel better. The relief is immense.

You are worth more than this and your true self will come back with some help. But you do need help. Please seek it.

I think now what it would have done to my loved ones and even those who just know me if I'd gone through with my plans. I can't bare to imagine it.

I'm not asking you to seek help for the sake of others. This is about you- a worthy loveable human being with a life to live. Seeking help and tackling this illness will gradually help you see this, I promise. I've been there.

Sending you so much love flowers

lunatunes Wed 08-Aug-18 22:25:46

Please get help, you can get through this. It's sounds like you have depression. My best friend very recently committed suicide whilst suffering with depression and didn't tell anyone how she was feeling. She left notes saying that she thought everyone would be better off without her but I'll tell you now your family and friends would be absolutely heartbroken. You may not feel like it now but with the right help you will get better. You do have a future and you will be greatly missed.

Neverender Wed 08-Aug-18 22:27:31

Please, please follow the advice posted and speak to someone as soon as possible flowers PLEASE

Ginkypig Wed 08-Aug-18 22:28:00

I'm not telling you this to play misery top trumps but so you know your not alone.

I feel exactly this way too

I spend most/all of my time wishing I wasn't here, I pray everyday that I will die in a car crash or be diagnosed with a terminal illness, I wander the streets at night just waiting for something to happen. I think about suicide

For reasons other than yours I feel that I can't commit suicide but that then makes everything worse because I feel trapped now. You might feel the same

You are definitely suffering from mental Ill health but there's nothing to be ashamed about or embarrassed about.
Get yourself to the gp and try some talking therapy. You likely need some medication for a while too.
Things will get better than they are now but just like a broken leg you can't do it on your own.

Neverender Wed 08-Aug-18 22:28:18

And lots of love being sent to you from me...right now.

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