I'm a mess and very unhappy

[Itsmeaga1n]

I've suffered with depression on and off for twenty years. I've tried various anti depressants but didn't really find any helped and couldn't cope with the side effects - lack of libido, inability to reach orgasm, weight gain, migraines, feeling numb ... I'm now taking none and feel "normal" again but at times feel extremely low.

I'm unable to work due to anxiety that prevents me answering the phone or a lot of the time leaving the house. I'm struggling financially, always going into my overdraft, although its only £300. I'm 3 stone overweight and look at least 6 months pregnant and find myself repulsive. I'm in my 50s and seem to develop more aches and pains every day. I'm very unfit, I don't sleep well which means I go to bed about 4 in the morning. My diet is rubbish, I start dieting but can't stick to it due to emotional eating. I vape all the time.

I'm just unhappy and don't know how to turn my life around.

I have at last got a referral to the mental health team but imagine they will jusy want me back on anti depressants which i can't face again. I've tried counselling but they're all students who just seem to follow text books and don't offer any solutions to my problems.

I have physical problems that mean I can't jog, run or even walk far. These won't go away. I've just joined a yoga group once a week but realistically that's not going to help me get fit. I've no motivation to do exercises videos and can't afford more classes. I am waiting for an nhs exercise referral and pinning my hours on them finding something suitable that I can start gently and build up a little. I can't even swim much due to skin problems that are aggravated by chlorine.

My personal life is difficult as my adult children and teenage daughter have all emotional problems and I worry about them all the time. I've applied for housing association housing as private rent is to expensive and i have pets I'm not allowed to keep in private rented accommodation.

Sorry for rambling on, I'm not sure what I hope to achieve, I just feel like everything's hopeless and I can't turn things around.

Thanks for listening

[Itsmeaga1n]

... pinning my hopes on them ...

[maxthemartian]

I didn't want to leave this unanswered. I'm so sorry, you sound like you are in a thoroughly miserable situation at this point in time.

I found exactly the same as you with the counselling, mine was via the phone. Students with a script, I honestly am not sure who they are supposed to be helping but it was no use at all and in fact just frustrating. Half an hour and one spends ten minutes of it each time doing that stupid rating things out of five business.

It's such a trapped feeling, isn't it, if you're agoraphobic and also struggling physically, to try and get out and do things to lift your mood?

Would it help to chat here? I could use a buddy going through similar so I'd be more than happy to.

[Itsmeaga1n]

Thanks for your reply Max

Yes re the time wasted rating ... And then time wasted planning ... "how much time do you want to spend on feedback, homework etc?" ...

Thanks, I could use a buddy too. Feel free to pm if you prefer.

I have a few physical things going on too and have lost all faith in my gp. It seems nothing will ever be solved. Plus a cancer scare at the moment, I'm waiting for results. It all feels too much.

[Snowspeckledeyelashes]

I’m the same, feel stuck in a hole that I can’t seem to get out of, my aim is to get through the day ASAP so I can go back to sleep! I’ve been on an endless waiting list for CBT but I don’t hold up much hope, as like you and max say it’s always students or young newly qualified and I know they have to start somewhere but I feel they have no real life experience to offer and just go through the script, my last one was via telephone and she just sounded bored each session, made me feel old and worthless tbh. I’m here too if you need to talk, depression and anxiety are horrible as they are so well hidden by most of us, if only we could peel back the layers, we would see how many of us are suffering 🙁

[maxthemartian]

Itsmeaga1n I will PM you. Hopefully a few more people who feel the same will join in here and we can also get a bit of a support group going.

I just cancelled my telephone sessions. They just frustrated and upset me. I'm baffled as to why someone going "Hmmm... yes..." is meant to magically cure depression or GAD.

Snow I do that too - I clock watch and it's a small victory getting to evening so that it's nearly bed time.

Do either of you have a good day and make all sorts of plans to help yourself feel better, only for it all to go in the bin when you have another bad spell?

[Itsmeaga1n]

Hi Snow, sorry you feel the same way I know what you mean about them making you feel old and worthless ... I felt the same.

It would be nice to be here to support each other if you both - and anyone else feeling the same way - would like to.

Max I just cancelled my remaining sessions too, it felt like it was going nowhere and wasting my time, making me stressed with her stupid homework... write an activity diary and rate it for achievement and enjoyment ...

I think the heat recently hasn't helped, as I'm too exhausted to do anything and feel fat and old.

[DianaT1969]

Hi OP,
Sorry you are feeling down. Have you tried tackling one thing at a time? Giving yourself a break from all others. For example, for this month you eat healthily, but don't try to exercise, or find work that you can do from home. No tackling housing issues this month.
Then next month, you focus on housing. Nothing else. But try to keep going with the healthy eating and make it a habit.
The third month search or think about jobs that you can do from home to increase your income and alleviate the financial stress (sorry I don't know what your skills are so these are very random, but perhaps child minding, tutoring in your home, data entry, ironing at home, seamstress work etc). Check out hours for tax credits in advsnce so that you know what employment will leave you better off.
The 4th month introduce exercise, you'll be lighter from losing weight, so some movements might be easier.
The following month cut down on vaping if you want to.
I know that these things aren't linear and it might take you 6 months (not 1!) to sort your housing or find the right work. But if you focus on all at once it seems overwhelming. Also, don't underestimate the effect of nutrition on your sleep and moods. Cut down on caffeine and alcohol if you haven't already. Take vitamin tablets, especially magnesium and vitamin d to aid sleep and energy levels.
Best of luck and I hope tomorrow is the start of a much better time for you.

[Lilacwine1]

Itsmeaga1n Snow and Max Everthing you have said is a mirror image of my own life, absolutely everything. I haven't taken my Venlafaxine for three days. If only I could stop these horrendous sweats and lose the four stone I have put on while taking this medication, I know I will start to like myself more. I've got tears I have to keep wiping away, with a soggy tissue, and my nose is running. Can I class you as my confessional buddies, I really need a friend right now.

[Wolfiefan]

OP you could be me!
Just restarted anti depressants. Can't find one that suits. Managing on Prozac for now.
Can't engage with CBT. Honestly don't have the energy to work through a book or faff about online.
I hurt. Fucking hell I hurt. Foot pain and knee pain and aching joints.
My diet is shit.
I'm on my second glass of wine tonight.
I know. I know. Bad decisions all round. I had crisps too. Pain makes me comfort eat. Not sleeping great either. Tired.

[Itsmeaga1n]

Thanks Diana . That's a good tip although many of the problems cannot be solved and its very difficult to get off benefits for a job working from home where income is rarely guaranteed.

I only drink decaff coffee and tea and very rarely drink alcohol (a glass of wine maybe once a month). I take a multivitamin with iron and vitamin D every day. I am trying to eat more fruit as I dislike vegetables a lot. Unfortunately my very low budget makes healthy eating difficult as my depression means I rarely cook from scratch.

Lilac and Wolfie welcome both, please buddy up with us, we can talk and try and help each other. Sorry you feel so down.

I felt a bit better during the day, but tonight am in pain again, and possibly have a urine infection. I'm trying to drink lots to flush it out but it hurts so much every time i pee

I bought some apples, pears, bananas and raspberries today, I've had a pear and a banana but also too many crisps.

[marthastew]

I'm in a similar place. Been to GP today to seek MH help. Mum ill with cancer, DS with ASD and two other small children, H assaulted me two weeks ago and I have financial problems. No RL support apart from my social worker. Feel like a total failure.

I have a slow cooker which really helps me. Chuck in the ingredients in the morning or at a moment when you have the motivation to do it and then leave it to make your dinner. Cheap ingredients work best. I think you can get them for around £20.

[Itsmeaga1n]

Martha hi. Sorry to hear that. My mum had cancer a few years ago. Lost my dad around the same time. It was an awful time.

Hope you're safe. Is your husband still around?

No support here either. That's why I pushed for a referral to mental health team, I hope they'll be able to provide me with some support as I don't cope well.

Thanks for the tip re slow cooker ... I actually have a small one, haven't used it for ages. I never know what to make ... what meals do you cook with it?

[Lilacwine1]

Morning buddies, my H has just told me I'm a fat bastard. My marriage has been on the rocks since my breakdown eight years ago, tbh the cracks were there before that. His verbal abuse, today, has made me more determined, to drag myself out this shitty situation. My last Venlafaxine was Saturday. I am starting to get brain zaps, and just a little bit irritable I haven't told H I've stopped taking them. I'm keeping out of his way as much as possible. I really need to sort myself out, the only reason he's as abusive as he is, is because I am trapped, and knows I won't be going anywhere, anytime soon. I ought to be thanking him really, for being the abusive shit he is. I Hope you all get through today, a little better than you did yesterday. Thanks for being my buddies. xxxx

[Itsmeaga1n]

Hi Lilac [waves]

Your husband sounds like a p**ck... do you think you're safe or is there anywhere you can go?

Look after yourself and keep safe.

Hope everyone's hanging pin and trying to look after themselves today

[Lilacwine1]

Hi Itsmeaga 1n He never gets violent, his words hurt more than any physical punishment he could hand out. He picks on my weak points like my weight, or just about anything else I have hang ups about. In a way, and this is going to sound sadistic on my part, I'm glad, because, when I have got my physical and mental health sorted, I am gone, no guilt, no backward glance, I have wasted my life on this man, I thought he would help me through any illness, as I have done for him. As far as he's concerned if your illness doesn't show as a cut, a break or a disease, it doesn't exist. It helps being able to talk anonymously, and to people like yourself who understand. You sound like a really nice person, I hope real soon, you start being kind to yourself, and life starts being kind to you. I am here anytime you want to off load any kind of shit, and I really do mean it.

[Itsmeaga1n]

I'm glad he's not violent, but I know what you mean about words hurting.

You can talk here any time you like, you can pm me if you like too.

Yes it's difficult to be kind to myself. I hate myself for many reasons and don't know how to get past that. I'm also very angry at the world, disappointed by many people, feel let down by the nhs and my gp. I had a wonderful gp before I moved two and a half years ago, now I can't get an appointment with a gp I trust when I need one and often feel dismissed and not taken seriously. I'm not getting younger and worry how I'm going to cope if my health continues to deteriorate.

[maxthemartian]

Lilacwine I'm so sorry to hear how unpleasant your H has been rather than supporting you. I'm also absolutely here if you want to talk, PM or whatever. And I'm glad to hear that you won't be putting up with him any more.

Itsme so many things you say ring a bell for me. I had a wonderful gp practice for many years, loved all three of them, then moved (and actually didn't tell them!) but eventually the new people at my old address registered and I had to find somewhere else. It seems so wrong to me that one has to walk away from years of building up a relationship of trust with a healthcare professional.

My most recent gp surgery toxic, about the worst place to be registered with through a very difficult few months. A particular lowlight was when I had such bad anxiety that I couldn't calm down, eat or sleep for days, couldn't stop shaking, got an appointment and turned up and basically said "please help me". Guy wouldn't make eye contact. Shoved me in a side room and said someone from the mental health team would phone me. I thought he'd maybe want to see my afterwards but no, appointment over! Left me in a terrible state and also really confused and humiliated.

[Itsmeaga1n]

Max that's awful! Here they just say, here's some antidepressants and you need to get out more and also find an enjoyable job. Like either are that easy! I'd love to have an enjoyable job, but that's difficult when you struggle to leave the house sometimes or struggle with health problems all the time.

[Lilacwine1]

I'm so sorryMax what a bloody awful experience, I know GP's are over worked, but I thought they were supposed to be the caring profession.

[maxthemartian]

How is everybody doing today?

Lilac I was quite unlucky with that surgery, I think. I've moved now so I'm hoping that my new gp practice will be nicer!

Itsme yes same pretty much. Got offered a whole range of options, off to the top of my head diazepam, propranolol, amitryptaline, citalopram and mirtazipine. Which fair enough are medications appropriate to mental distress but it was quite willy-nilly and I'm really sensitive to anything mood-altering so would have so appreciated a bit of time and kindness and feeling like someone was supporting me to choose the right options. It was more of a go-away-and-take-this thing.

[Itsmeaga1n]

I would have appreciated some diazepam to take only when absolutely necessary instead of taking ADs that don't really help , have to be taken all the time and have horrific side effects. My gp wouldn't prescribe them though, just have me propanolol which doesn't help at all.

They just kept prescribing different ADs, prozac, mirtazapine, citalopram, duloxetine, none of which helped even at high dose, but made me either a zombie or unable to sleep, and I've put on 2 stone over two years.

I'm still waiting for results from the gynaecology department from tests I've had, yet again they've booked me in for a (fairly intrusive) procedure I don't want despite me telling them I'd like to see a consultant first. I've told them again and hope to get a call on Monday but each time i have this discussion with them i get so upset and anxious, I'm in a state.

[amigababy]

Hello all i was going to start my own thread but read this one and realized all the things you've all said sound just like me. So can I add on if you're still here. I'll say a bit more in a minute but itsme did you get your hospital call today and did you get the answer you wanted?

I don't know whether to try the doctors or not. I'm feeling worthless at the moment. I want to do nice things but a) I'm scared of pushing myself or failing ( feel like a failure already) and b) I don't actually know what's nice anymore.
On the face of it I'm lucky, took early retirement with dh, but I was good at my job ( small, part time) and had social contact. I'm so introverted that I have few friends, and now I seem to have nothing I achieve or am good at. Dh has developed a circle of friends and goes running. I've tried running but I'm rubbish at it and have stopped again. Last week we tried something challenging, I couldn't manage it ( activity sport thing) so today he told FIL that "amigababy bottled it". So now I feel more worthless. He knows I'm upset but said he was only joking. I always seem to be upset about something, I hate being emotional and taking things to heart. After 20+ years he knows this but still says careless stuff that hurts.
Maybe I'm really hard to live with if he has to tread on eggshells all the time.

I'd love to be fun and active and lively but it always seems to go wrong somehow and I feel weak and defeated. It has to be menopause or peri menopause too how I feel.
Anyway enough waffling. Even writing something helps when there's no one IRL to sound off to.

How did you all do getting through the weekend?

[amigababy]

lilac my dh also doesn't "believe" in mental illness which is a challenge right now as our dd has been diagnosed with anxiety ( and a physical disability) and after one huge disaster in how he spoke to her he's now trying to be more careful even though he doesn't know how to.
She just started on Citalopram and to be fair she seems happier and brighter, after a horrible time on Sertraline.
Maybe I should try the doctors and ask for Citalopram too??

[Lilacwine1]

amigababy Whatever helps to make you feel better about yourself, grab it with both hands.

[Snowspeckledeyelashes]

Hi everyone, how’s it going?
So sorry I haven’t contributed since my last post upstream, no excuse really as we are all in the same boat but I’ve felt crap the last few days, really sad and teary, so bloody glad that it’s summer cause I’m hiding behind my sunnies and sobbing and don’t really know why!!??
I too am an introvert, I put a mask on and pretend I’m jolly but inside I’m like Munch’s The Scream!
I’m trying that whole fake it till you make it thing but it’s really hard when your self esteem is really low and you analyse everything people say to you and everything you say to them - bloody exhausting!
Has anyone tried CBT oil? My son has anxiety and has been on it for a few weeks and seems a bit better, I’m very tempted to give it a go?
I’d love to pay privately to get some help but I’m in a vicious cycle, I’ve been a SAHM for 10 years and now have zero confidence to return to work but I’m trying and applying for loads of jobs but I don’t even get an interview, not great for the self esteem?!
I wish people would understand mental health issues more, my mil really annoyed me yesterday. She was very poorly last week and in a medical assessment unit, she said there was a young girl in there who had taken an overdose and she then went on to say “that girl got more attention from the doctors and nurses than the rest of us who are all suffering from real illnesses!”. I told her that the poor girl WAS ill!
Sorry for the ramblings, have felt pent up all weekend.