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It's too hard to go on

(37 Posts)
AsleepAllDay Wed 13-Jun-18 02:22:38

I don't want to put too many details about my situation in case it's identifying.

Anyway, I have had anxious/depressive tendencies since my teens & ten years later it feels like it's coming to a head.

I've had nervous breakdowns and suicidal thoughts before but right now they are very strong and compelling. Basically my life situation right now has completely changed (relationship ended, moved countries back home, going to lose my job which was meant to keep me in the UK but limits on numbers mean that I can't get my v*sa)

Back home with parents and I just don't see the point of going on. I won't be working in a few months and I'm starting to hate my field. I don't know what to do next and I miss my ex incredibly, he does too but he initiated the breakup and is going to be fine. I was abroad for 2 years and even though my depression, suicidal ideation etc was a problem at least I was where I really wanted to be. Meeting my ex just before I left was also incredibly special.

I honestly have nothing going for me. My family don't understand that I can't just 'snap' out of this. I'm on antidepressants but they don't numb the pain of carrying on a life that is aimless. Like my username, I just sleep all day when I can because I get nothing out of life.

BusyBeeMummy1 Wed 13-Jun-18 03:48:05

AsleepallDay, not a MH practioner or a nurse etc just a fellow human being sending love, positivity and prayers your way. Sometimes in life things take an unexpected turn and the 'perfect' path we built up so meticulously leads us to a cross roads were not expecting. Most times these define you, the decisions and patience you will show now will make you stronger and instill a self belief and confidence. Life can get tough sometimes just hang in there a day at a time and try to see the small things that make you happy and appreciate them to the fullest. Get help and support all you need during these defining days. You will make it. Gods given you physical health (i assume) and parents. Love them and use them to build you up. We plan, and God laughs. flowers

AsleepAllDay Wed 13-Jun-18 04:51:00

Thank you so much @BusyBeeMummy1

A potted history in case someone is reading: on ADs from my GP, going through the dance of referrals/getting access to counselling - I think DBT might be ideal for me. A clinician said I may have mild BPD which sounds right to me. Family history of MH issues etc

AsleepAllDay Wed 13-Jun-18 09:23:20


4dogs Wed 13-Jun-18 09:50:28

What is BPD? Bipolar? I’m sorry you are feeling so low at the moment, it does sound as though you have a lot of situational stressors so it’s no wonder you feel so bad. Sleep is so tempting when things get tough, like you I always want to retreat to sleep and bed when I am very down.

AsleepAllDay Wed 13-Jun-18 10:13:17

@4dogs it's borderline personality disorder, kind of like bipolar's cousin but with different features (mainly emotional instability rather than manic/depressive episodes)

And thank you. Everyone I have spoken to or know agrees it's a shitty set of circumstances but I also don't feel equipped to ride it out or have hope things will improve...

4dogs Wed 13-Jun-18 10:47:45

You might not feel equipped to ride it out but it will pass, one horrible day at a time. I am just starting to slowly come out of a vile period of deep depression and suicidal feelings where I just limped through each day. The past three days have been marginally better, I honestly never thought it would change, but it does. How long have you been on ADs for? I’m on quite a lot of meds, have now been on lithium for about 3 weeks and I think it might be starting to have a positive effect.

AsleepAllDay Wed 13-Jun-18 16:46:53

Thank you @4dogs - sounds like you've been through a lot and for you to keep powering through is a great achievement

I was on these antidepressants for about a year before taking them again this year after a long break. I found them very helpful then but the bad feelings right now seem to be overpowering it

erinaceus Wed 13-Jun-18 20:11:13

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and have limped through many days in my time - in a lot of ways I still am. I am hesitant to give any advice or make any suggestions because what works for me might not work for you but I am here if you want to chat.

4dogs Thu 14-Jun-18 08:50:59

You have so much to cope with right now it’s hardly surprising you’re struggling. How are you feeling today? I feel quite crap today, hoping my mood will improve as the day goes on, the weather is gloomy today and that’s how I feel.

jacko2205 Thu 14-Jun-18 09:10:46

In awe of you right now for having the strength and courage to put how you're feeling out there, it's a massive first step so be proud of yourself!
Having gone through depression myself I think I know how you're feeling but I'm also aware that everyone has a different experience so I hope I can help a bit! Firstly just know that you aren't alone (even if you feel emotionally alone and that nobody understands, you can't shake the fact that you aren't physically alone and there are always people around you if you reach out).

For me what helped is that I separated the medical side to the reality, and anti depressants gave me the dopamine and feel good factor to have a break from my thoughts for a few months. In that period I gave myself a huge break from normal routine and let myself do whatever the hell I wanted to do, sleep, be by myself, just chilled out but I made a plan that I'd indulge in the resting (because depression is exhaaaausting!!) then get my act together after. The thing is, and you absolutely know this, but thinking how much your life has changed in a few months, it can absolutely change another way, situations are not fixed and this is just a temporary slump. Sometimes you can do something about it, sometimes you have to play lifes lottery.
I think by posting on here you know that all is not done and you've been smart enough to reach out. The fact that there are lots of things going on in your life including travel says to me you're a smart cookie and I've no doubt things will change for you.
Please keep posting and reaching out, it's good for you and believe it or not you'll be helping others in difficult situations by showing them they're not alone either!

AsleepAllDay Fri 15-Jun-18 16:13:22

What a wonderful message @jacko2205 I'm still absorbing it

@4dogs I've had a cold so been sleeping it off mostly. It's definitely at least part in due to the stress and anxiety I've put myself through

Hope you have a lovely weekend and things are looking up. Weather here is amazing but not much cop when your inside feels so miserable!

4dogs Sat 16-Jun-18 15:16:22

How are you doing asleepallday? I find good weather depresses me even more when I’m really down, everyone is out enjoying themselves and makes me feel even worse. It’s gloomy and overcast here today but I’ve been out twice, walked the dogs then cycled into town with dd so she could do some pokemon go which was quite good fun.

AsleepAllDay Sun 17-Jun-18 08:50:02

@4dogs sounds like you had an active, fun day!

Yeah, good weather can affect the mood as much as bad weather - it's terrible here which suits how I feel! Slept in a bit and had a sausage sandwich for tea, now doing a face mask and browsing... very humdrum sort of weekend I guess. Hoping things look up soon...x

jacko2205 Mon 18-Jun-18 02:42:04

Sausage sandwiches are always a good idea smile, yuuum!
What have you got planned for this week do you think, how ya doing? Xxxx

4dogs Mon 18-Jun-18 09:28:28

How are you doing asleepallday? Are you feeling any better or about the same? I didn’t do much yesterday but did cook a roast dinner for the first time in months. I seem to have lost the ability to cook (and clean) while I have been very depressed, things I just normally do without thinking about it have been impossible to do. Managed to walk the dogs as well. Feel down today tho, dd has gone on a school
trip for 3 days and that’s made me feel really lonely and dh is working away for a week from wednesday which makes me feel very isolated and alone. I’ll just have to survive it though.

AsleepAllDay Mon 18-Jun-18 12:17:17

@4dogs well done on cooking a whole roast! Self care is one of the first things that goes down the pan for me when I'm depressed

Are there things you can do to take advantage of the house being empty? Have some friends over for wine, have lots of indulgent bubble baths, eat cake for dinner...

AsleepAllDay Mon 18-Jun-18 12:21:41

@jacko2205 thanks for checking in!

I'm really at a crossroads right now so should spend this week doing life admin tasks but I don't know what the right thing is... I'm considering a career change (actually qualifying in what my degree was) and am thinking of taking up a placement... unpaid of course but can lead to a full time job and I would be able to live with my sister's family & keep my savings

We don't get on at the best of times and have just come back from visiting her but would at least be able to study as well as 'work'

My life feels totally up in the air and not in a great way... not to sugar coat because I had had nervous breakdowns before & deep depression but at the start of the year I was sure about what I was doing... my job, living situation and relationship were aligning and now I'm thousands of miles away, with practically none of those things, just memories

I know it all pales in comparison to some of the stories on MN but it's a bitter pill and I am finding it hard to trust that things will right themselves one way or another... it's an ache to lose things this way

4dogs Mon 18-Jun-18 13:03:06

I don’t think you should compare and contrast your issues or underestimate their impact. It sounds as though what you thought was a secure life has been turned upside down. It is good that you have a plan to retrain even if it does mean living with your sister. How long would the training last?

AsleepAllDay Mon 18-Jun-18 14:46:45

Thank you @4dogs ! There has been a lot of upheaval and I guess I'm beating myself up for not being 'over' it. I still miss my ex, I wish I could be back in the UK & I am having trouble adjusting to how things are changing and may change permanently in the next few months

Going to talk to the people involved re: the placement tomorrow and also work out with my family if it's doable. Also going to check what the chances are for getting a job after if I impress them... jumping ahead a bit though

Hope you're Tuesday is shaping up nicely, are you doing anything nice for a pick me up?

AsleepAllDay Tue 19-Jun-18 07:11:37

@4Dogs how's it going? week off to an alright start?

I've not been very productive but may have a job interview this week (in the field I'm trying to get into, law) and placement people sound keen so that can be a good plan B if things muck up. Lots of cups of tea to try and keep the morale up...

jacko2205 Tue 19-Jun-18 08:42:26

@AsleepAllDay, sounds like you've been really productive, good for you!
I can relate to the crossroads with work a lot, I've come to the conclusion that you're allowed many career paths in a lifetime, some you'll love and others maybe not so much, but you spend most of your life working, why should it be in one field?
I hope you're allowing yourself to indulge in the resting, treat yourself with a break! X

AsleepAllDay Tue 19-Jun-18 10:28:57

Thank you @jacko2205

Feeling low tonight as it looks like my UK V*sa isn't going to happen this month again and only have next month to try again... I was hoping against hope that it would and the stark knowledge that the life I want is increasingly out of reach is feeling painful right now

AsleepAllDay Thu 21-Jun-18 10:30:47

Bump - feeling pretty awful right now. Think my work HR is going to have another conversation with me about the sponsorship situation and I'm not looking forward to it because they've indicated they're giving up soon.

Just feel really lost and alone

4dogs Thu 21-Jun-18 11:14:58

I’m sorry you feel so bad right now. Is the sponsorship essential for you to stay in uk? or another country? What about the internship? Is that something separate? It does feel as though you don’t have much (if any) control over your current situation which must be horrible.

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