Can't do this anymore.

[mrsbounceisflat]

I have BPD, ocd, anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. I have a son who's suffering with depression and anxiety and has not been at school since before Christmas and has just started with a home tutor.
I've had a stressful day and I just can't cope, I can't see a way forward. I've tried all my distraction techniques, I've taken diazepam, I'm running out of options. I'm trying to keep things normal as possible for my son, but I can't carry on like this.

[TreasureInMyTummy]

Hello , I saw your post and didn't want to carry on without replying.

How are you feeling today?

It sounds like you are having a tough time but you are trying to do the best for you and your son.

Do you have any help or support ? Can you speak to your doctor re medication? Or cbt?

I really hope today has been better for you xx

[mrsbounceisflat]

I am lucky in having a lot of help and support, but there is nothing there at night time when I seem to get the worst thoughts, some of them are really dark and I have ended up at a and e a few times to see the psychiatric team over the past few months. I'm so scared of that happening again.
Up early this morning son has his tutor. I just wanted to stay in bed but one my son needs me and two the tutor has to have another adult with him.

[4dogs]

It sounds really tough for you having to deal with ds’s mh issues as well as your own. How did the tutoring go today?

[mrsbounceisflat]

The tutoring today went ok, but my son is now really tired. We have a meeting at school next week with the tutor, should be interesting as my son is adamant that he won't step foot in School.
I've spoken to my CPN to try and arrange an appointment for me next week, but we are always so busy it might have to wait. I said I'd let her know tomorrow.
Had a bit of a sleep this afternoon which helped , although I know it won't last, it never does.

[4dogs]

Is tutoring every day? Glad you had a nap yesterday, at least you got some rest. I think you should try to prioritise seeing your cpn, if you can, because you need some support for you. Why won’t ds go to school? How old is he? My ds refused to go to school for two years. He did eventually return and has just finished his degree. It was awful when he was refusing to go, I felt completely helpless and ineffective.

[mrsbounceisflat]

Tutoring is twice a week, and my son is 14 so is in his first year of GCSEs, so it has caused a lot of stress him not going to school. It's the anxiety that stops him going to school, he hasn't seen any of his friends since he stopped going to school.
I was due to see my support worker today but she's off sick, but see the OT tomorrow and have made an appointment to see the CPN next week.
It is very isolating, no one really understands what it is like when your child refuses to go to school, unless they have been in the same situation.

[4dogs]

My son was that age when he refused to go. He completely isolated himself, it was awful. He was diagnosed with asperger’s and had appalling anxiety. He didn’t go to school for two years but did take GCSEs. Then he took another year out before going to college to do A levels. Exercise was what seemed to turn things round for him, he joined a dojo and did MMA, it seemed to help with his anxiety as well as self esteem. It was a nightmare though. People would tell me i had to ‘make’ him go to school, as if that were possible. He also refused to set foot in the place although we made some progress in the end and he would sometimes spend an hour or so in the student support unit. Glad you have some RL support.

[mrsbounceisflat]

Thanks 4dogs. He won't step foot in school although we have a meeting there next week, which could be interesting.
He is also in the process of being assessed for autism, his request. He was assessed when he was 7 but it came back with just traits, but it would make a lot of sense to us and more importantly to him if he has autism.
We recently got a dog so he is getting out everyday with me, School hours only so he doesn't see anyone.
I seem to be ok for a few days and then it hits me like it did on Monday and I can only see one way out. I get so scared that one day I will act on the irrational thoughts.

[4dogs]

It’s good that you are both getting out with the dog. Suicidal thoughts are so scary but they are just thoughts and we don’t have to act on them. I have felt very suicidal and scared recently so I can empathise with you on just how horrid it is to feel like that. Will you go to the meeting at school if ds doesn’t go with you? I was terrified I would get prosecuted for not sending my ds
to school when he was refusing to go but thankfully I didn’t probably because of his diagnosis. His stress and anxiety really impacted on me though and seemed to take over the whole house.

[mrsbounceisflat]

Suicidal thoughts and other irrational thoughts are the pits and hitting me hard tonight. I just have to try to ride the wave.
Me and my husband will go to the meeting next week even if my son doesn't go. We were threatened with court but they have now stopped trying that.
All stress, all crap, what's the point?

[goingmental]

Sending you hugs and . Your life is precious and one day it will change for better.

[4dogs]

Hope you got through last night and that today will be better.

[mrsbounceisflat]

Survived last night, had a busy day and my son wouldn't engage with his tutor. He just sat in his room crying. Breaks my heart.

[4dogs]

Oh mrsbounceisflat that sounds heartbreaking, I really feel for you. Any idea why he was so distressed? Was it the work or the social aspect of being with another person?

[mrsbounceisflat]

He hasn't really gelled with his tutor yet,although he hasn't really given him a chance yet. He does struggle with new people though, I guess it's just going to take time.
He's not going to the meeting at school next week, and we are seeing CAMHS on Monday.

[4dogs]

Great that you’re seeing CAHMS, hopefully you will get a diagnosis. I know some people think labels/diagnosis is a bad thing but I found it really helpful when my son was refusing to go to school and I’m sure diagnosis was why I wasn’t prosecuted for his non attendance.

[mrsbounceisflat]

It's my son that has pursued the diagnosis, we have had problems like this on and off for years, but this has been by far the worst. I will update after we've seem CAMHS.

[mrsbounceisflat]

Seen CAMHS today, had a good chat about his tutor and possible ways forward and also discussed his possible autism. They want to refer him to the autism team, the waiting list is about 6 months.
I've not slept properly since his tutor was here on Friday and am stressing about him coming tomorrow. It's in the morning so hopefully it will be better for my son because there's less time to think about it.
I'm seeing my CPN in the afternoon, so will hopefully be able to have a good chat with her, especially as I've been self harming over the weekend.

[4dogs]

How did it go with the tutor today? Good news that ds is being referred to autism
team but shame it’s such a long wait. I hope your anxiety levels are manageable, it’s hard to get on an even keel when dc are ill. Soneone told me that parents can only be as happy as their unhappiest child, that was certainly my experience when my ds refused to attend school. His anxiety and unhappiness pervaded the whole house, it was so difficult and my anxiety was through the roof.

[mrsbounceisflat]

He had his tutor yesterday and it went much better. Not helped my sleep though as I hoped. Your right it effects the whole house, if he struggles I struggle not that he knows that. I am beginning to realise he won't be going back to school, if he does it's a bonus, but assuming it won't happen.
Meeting at school on Friday we will see how that goes.

[4dogs]

Glad it went better with the tutor. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. School
refusal is such a difficult thing to live with. I hope tomorrow’s meeting goes well.

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've had it again, really can't cope with all this. I don't want to be here tomorrow to face another shitty week.