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I'm disgusted with myself (warning, thread mentions rape and self-harm)

(69 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 03:31:12

Just that really.

I'm pretty sure I'm asexual most of the time after some incidents in my youth of a sexual nature.

Someone tried to force me in to touching them

And older man cornered me in a shop me owned and started to grope me and wanted me to go downstairs to his sex dungeon with him, whilst my friend who knew him just stood and watched

One bf asked for a certain kind of sex and I didn't want to but ended up reluctantly agreeing but as soon as I realised bow much it hurt I started to cry and he put his hand over my mouth to shut me up so that was my fault.

I had to have sex with a partner so he wouldn't abuse me.

My friends have pretty much always been boys.

They tried to spike my drink with an aphrodisiac in a deserted forest but I found out and refused to drink the water.

All people ever seem to ask from me is sexual favours.

And sex makes me feel dirty.

But the bit that makes me a whore.

Is I'm a cam model.

I have various mental health issues and urinary incontanance.

Surprisingly being incontanant ant costs a lot of money.

I am disgusted with myself.

But at the same time think to myself, hey you women on these sites are pretty rad going for it getting that cash.

And in a weird way I Enjoy the cam work. Maybe becaise I just need to feel desired?

I feel like that's all I am worth to anyone I'm friends with really. Sex.

So voila.

I may as well do something useful with mh life.

And before anyone asks no I cannot get a job.

I am agrophobic. I do not go out at all.

SneakyGremlins Mon 11-Jun-18 03:34:44

You're not a whore.

And the fact you were raped and sexually assaulted does not IN ANY WAY mean you were at fault, because you weren't.

flowers for you OP.

SnowGoArea Mon 11-Jun-18 03:38:57

Sounds like you have endured some truly evil stuff, I'm so sorry flowers

Whatever anyone thinks of any type of sex work, you are not a 'whore'. It isn't who you are. You are a woman. A person.

And I would also say that you don't need to do that can work - you are worth so much more.

Have you had any kind of help to process those dreadful things that happened to you?

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 03:47:45

It wasn't rape tho cause I wasn't screaming no.

I just cried in pain.

I can't afford all the incontanance stuff without cam work.

It just seems all my plans I made for my future have gone tits up tbh and I'm so annoyed.

I did have mental health care for a while but then I got discharged for taking too long to fix my mental health problems.

I was told I would self harm via cutting because that's the nature of my disorder and that's that.

They refused to recognise I had bladder issues and instead tried to section me thinking I was wetting myself on purpose.

Now I'm nearly fully bladder incontanant and rely on catheters to pee normally now.

Thankfully they didn't section me in the end buts it's too late for sorry for that.

I pee myself everyday.

I just don't know what to do.

I stink of piss

And I'm broke a lot

And all I seem to think of recently is killing myself but then when I get a health scare of possible kidney damage I freaked the fuck out jot wanting to die.

Now I know my kidneys are fine and I keep thinking of death again. What's wrong with me?

I keep thinking of bad memories like being kidnapped by one of my exes and how terrified I was

How I missed my period and then endured agonizing pain in my abdomen and passed a large blood clot from what I remember and to this day don't know if that was a baby.

I keep remembering being told I was stupid and worthless and a waste of space and being denied the medical care I needed mentally and psychically until I ended up back at home with severe mental health problems, probably infertile, higher risk of cancer and bladder and possibly kidney problems ofc.

BlueStockingUK Mon 11-Jun-18 04:16:23

Hi Kitty
If you are diagnosed at incontinent. You can get pads via prescription. If you are diagnosed agoraphobic, you hopefully would get disability benefits, that would enable you to qualify for exemption, this would help your money worries on the cost of buying them.
It is horrible to read of your past, but you have to tell your GP, so they can help you. There are many forums and support groups online, who can advise & guide you, with most of your concerns. Money advice/Mental Health/Abuse/Incontinence/Agoraphobia.
Cam modelling is not real life, It's a seedy ungoverned network, rife with exploitation & manipulation. No aspect of this comes in the form of love.This wont be ever, helping you to do something useful in your life... Even if it helps with cash. If you may have had a past, where you had a lot of sexual encounters, this is no longer what you choose. You say NO. Start today, by helping yourself get better. You can get better. Things can be better for you.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 11-Jun-18 04:20:11

Please go back to the doctor and explain you are bladder incontinent. Change gp surgeries if necessary. Definitely see a different doctor from the one, who you saw before.

Get your incontinence under control as a priority. This will already help with your mental health.

It is disgusting you were discharged before you had finished your treatment. To me that is as cruel as not treating you at all. It seems this is the way mental health care is going. No open ended work anymore. If you feel strong enough, please get help for this too.

I’m having trouble speaking at the moment - related to pain. When I went to see the gp, I wrote down my issues with bullet points and gave it to the gp to read. Perhaps the gp would take you more seriously if you wrote your issues too citing examples of incontinence and the any sensations you have down there. Keep it factual.

And of course you’re not a whore. That’s a vile name made up by vile men. You’re a person and you’re worth no less than me or anyone else on the planet. We are all the same.

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 04:39:16

Thank you for your kind replies and I really appreciate them

Just needed a moan I guess

It was the mental health ream that ignored my incontanance and my go is fantastic but they had told him previously that my bladder problems were all in my head and to tell me that as it would help me.. I mean wtf.

I get benifits and free prescriptions as I get other meds and catheters but unfortantly there's only one brand of pants that fit me and allow me to wear regular clothes without a huge bulge of pants.

One pack is. Like seven quid. One pack on a bad bladder day can literally only last a day.

They want to do tests on my bladder but being agrophobic I can't go.

They won't help me because thyy know their wrong because they ignored my parents telling them I had overdosed in pills multiple times last year until I was taking in to hospital with possible neurological damage.

They have basically said, sorry you don't go out so until you fix ourself we can't help you.

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 04:43:57

They know everything.

I told them last year I wanted to kill myself repeatedly and wrote several suicide notes which they ignored. I researched and offered myself up for a inpatient ward and got denied.

I tried to climb the roof in a psychotic fit but they conveniently lost them notes.

I admitted to an eating disorder that they already knew about and they dismissed it.

I nearly died twice under their care and a few months back it was touch and go as to how much longer I was going to survive after starving myself of food and water for weeks and weeks.

But they decided to discharge me still because I didnt comply with them by agreeing to go walk outside with them.

I could barely stand up without passing out at that point.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 11-Jun-18 04:57:06

Sorry I don’t know what to say to your latest posts. You are in a catch 22 and therefore fall through the gaps. I know that feeling myself due to illness. You are worth so much more.

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 05:01:24

It's okai. I'm sorry for rambling on moaning sad

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply tho!

I'm just feeling sorry for myself being a 21 year incontanant.

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 05:01:36

Year old **

Battleax Mon 11-Jun-18 05:06:45

t was the mental health ream that ignored my incontanance and my go is fantastic but they had told him previously that my bladder problems were all in my head and to tell me that as it would help me.. I mean wtf.

You must be about the tenth woman in two years I’ve heard of who’s been told physical problems were psychiatric. It’s a disgusting habit of the medical profession and makes me quite angry. Please continue to push back - you deserve betterflowers

snewname Mon 11-Jun-18 05:08:46

Please show this post to your gp. It's very sad. Unfortunately you have to make a nuisance of yourself before the cash strapped nhs will help. Keep going back to your gp or try a different one.

snewname Mon 11-Jun-18 05:09:27

Oh and thanks

SnowGoArea Mon 11-Jun-18 05:20:17

Have you looked through the mental health boards on here? They may be a place to start getting your head around how to navigate your mh difficulties from within your home.

So the one decent brand of pants aren't on prescription, is that right? That's rotten.

I read something on here a while ago about suicide. It was along the lines of "do you actually want to die, or do you just want to escape feeling like this so much that suicide feels like the only way? Because they're very different things.". It struck a chord with me. Its helpful to figure out which you are because if it's the latter (and from what you've said you sound like you would be) then there's hope. There IS a better place that you can get to, it's just a struggle trying to figure out the way, especially with mental health funding etc the way it is.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 11-Jun-18 05:27:35

It’s quite common unfortunately. I have ME. Recent research has finally found some bio markers. The head of the M.E. programme in my area was and perhaps still is a psychiatrist confused. He treated me like I was depressed because I felt a tiny bit better when I put myself on antidepressants to cope with the pain of not being able to look after my dd, who was 3 at the time. It’s very disconcerting. I’m only now being treated for a a physical, recognised symptom, which is making me really ill now. 7 years later.....

Only 21. You’re far to young to write yourself off.

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 05:38:26

Battle that's so shit sad

Snew my gp is great but getting home visits isn't easy unfortantly

Snowgo yeah the pants that fit me and work arnt on prescription I don't think. It really would hit my confidence having bulkier pants as well.

It's the thought of death because it's not living.
And living hurts.
But death is endless
Catch 22

Mummy urghh you got the pathetic mental health card as well ffs. I'm sorry

Aridane Mon 11-Jun-18 05:43:49

Sweetheart - this and your other threads are heartbreaking and you are screaming out for help.

Can you get a home visit from your GP or engage with home visits from the Crisisteam?

IDismyname Mon 11-Jun-18 06:19:32

Kitty - you don’t mention family... do you have any who could help you?

Meanwhile, changing GPs or surgery’s would at least allow you to tell your story to a different doctor who may be able to help.

JoanneMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 11-Jun-18 12:30:54

Hi Kittycuddles,

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this.

We wanted to share Mind's information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

We’ve moved your thread over to our Mental Health topic as we feel it's a more sensitive, less-robust place to post than AIBU. We've also changed the title of your thread, hope you don't mind.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the link above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 11-Jun-18 12:55:44

Thanks smile

I totally understand the half life of not a life but not a death either. In my case because of my health. Your feelings I’m sure are about both physical and mental health. You really do need to aim to get yourself to a better place. I do understand it is hard. I know if feels so impossible even to go to the gp yourself. Do you have a caring, trusted person, who could gently help you get to the surgery?

4dogs Mon 11-Jun-18 18:08:51

I’m sorry you are having such a dreadful time and hope you can get some RL support soon.

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 19:11:15

@Aridane I tried to use my words but no one wanted to listen and it broke my heart. I wrote and wrote and have heaps of poems and songs which in a way made me sadder because they weren't made for me.

They were simply made to make someone else see what was going on inside my head.

I had home visits from my GP until the mental health team told him the incontinence was in my head. The crisis team discharged me and so did community health care. They have all said the same sort of thing, I have had their care and they cant really come out to me much now unfortunately. Which means likelihood is the incontinence will get to a point it will become permanent.

@AnAirborne I live with my Mum who is my carer but also mentally ill herself, my primary aged 10yr old little brother and my mentally ill older brother. My Dad doesn't live with us anymore but visits frequently. We are essentially estranged from all family except for a couple of members which are my Mums mum and dad but unfortantly my Grandad is terminal now sad

To change GP's surgereys you have to move to the area, which I did two years ago and got out of my parents shitty one and a good one.

That Dr saved my life two years back and they took him away.

Lost cause

Lost case

@Mummy, I'm sorry you feel so down sometimes too. Unfortunately the agarophobia was left too long after being denied the mental health treatment by my last partner and then the wellbeing team I self referred too just said PTSD from an abusive relationship and never answered my calls.

I remember being so close to death and think I would never have known had I just not woken one day but they kept telling me I am young and my kidneys will repair themselves after drug overdoses, same for heart etc.

But why?

Why did I wake up?

They obviously don't want me around.

It just hurts so much that I have to mourn the person I once was, and like a missing persons case on myself I don't get a proper mourning period for myself, because no one has ever found me. Not even myself.

And its got to the point where I have become accustomed to the agrophbia and don't trust professionals any more really after the bladder fiasco and also they refused to give me therapy unless I went out and once made me go sit in a crowded space to have therapy, I ended up not trusting them at all.

I cant see the agrophobia leaving. Ever

@4dogs Thank you for your kind words and wishes my lovely. XX

SnowGoArea Mon 11-Jun-18 19:49:36

I saw your poem on your other thread - it was good (although I mistakenly thought it was about you, I see now it wasn't!).

I think you need a plan. You're so young and this is all fixable with a proper future ahead of you. The trouble is you're so deep in its hard to see the way out. Also sounds like your family don't have the resources to help as they are also struggling.


1)Do you know why the mental health team thought it wasn't a physical problem causing the incontinence? Psychological doesn't mean you're making it up, nor does it mean you can do anything to fix it by yourself. If you think about a tic, a stutter, ocd or similar, they are psychological, but it's not as if it's in that person's control. And of course maybe they were just plain wrong and brushing you off, but don't give up.

Could you write a letter to your gp surgery (one copy to go, one to practise manager perhaps) explaining that you desperately want to get to the bottom of the incontinence, whatever the cause. Say that you are struggling with your mental health and feel unable to leave the house, and could they possibly consider reinstating the home visits until you get to a place where you can manage coming into the surgery? You realise that it requires more resources and would hope to only use that service for as a short a time as possible, but at the moment you are unable to access any of the healthcare you need and are falling through the cracks. Ask if they having a policy for dealing with patients with agoraphobia.

2) can you stop the Cam work? It sounds like its shredding your self esteem and mental health even further. Spend your time online in places that build you up (eg support here, a free online mini course in something you're interested in, a writing group) or that allow you to just relax and enjoy yourself (a movie for instance).

Kittycuddles Mon 11-Jun-18 23:50:03

Thank you for all your kind words

This thread will now be deleted

Message me if you ever need to talk

Thanks so much

Your all wonderful human beings

And thank you mumsnethq

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