I feel really low

[Ifeelreallylow]

I have an enormous amount going on in my life.
I've struggled my way through 18 months of court against my narc ex husband who lied and used the system to abuse me. We've ended up at a position where now cafcass and some other contact company are all telling me that I have to trust him again because if I don't then I will be harming my children. I need to pretend like our past didn't happen - for the sale of the children, and if my daughter asked (and she does because he physically hurt her but the court decided that she had misinterpreted it) that I am to tell her it's all fine and was a misunderstanding.

Also, my father is in extreme ill health in a home and things have turned nasty between the family and I am being scapegoated here as well.

I've got up this morning planning to take the kids down to a local attraction and I'm just in floods of tears, I've shouted because they just would not stop being whingey little things, the fake cries and endless screaming at each other is more then I can cope with.
I have this strong urge to crawl back into bed and just cry and sleep.

All I want is someone to stroke my head and just be there to show me some love. I don't want to talk, I don't want pills. I don't want to hurt myself, I just want to sleep and have the world go away.

I feel really really low and I just don't want to exist anymore.

[Lollypoplollypoplolollylolypop]

Is there anyone who can look after the kids for the day or even a few hours? If not make things as easy as possible. Stick a movie on for them. Not sure what age your kids are. Sorry you are going through this.

[BifsWif]

Be kind to yourself OP, you’ve gone through such a traumatic time.

Today is a bad day. Write it off if you want to, stay under a quilt watching TV with your children if that’s all you have the energy to do.

Can I ask why you don’t want pills or to talk to anyone?

[Horsedogbird]

Where is your mum? Is there anyone who can take your kids out for you today?

[Ifeelreallylow]

No one to help.
My mum who is around and is my only really help is working all day.

They are almost 6 and almost 4.
And they just fight no stop.
I have to cope with my daughters trauma which manifests itself by random attacks on me, verbal and emotional not physical.
I know she doesn't mean the things she says but my emotional and mental state is so weak that I can't shake the hurt.

Films cause a nightmare as they immediately reject anything the other one wants. Out of spite.
I've just said 'ok I'm putting this on. End of' before thinking they would get into it but they both just scream and cry that they don't like it, it's not what they want.

I wish I had their will power!!

Thank you for your reply.

[Ifeelreallylow]

I don't find talking therapy helpful because nothing can be changed about the events that have led up to this point and I know that it's not about that it's about how I change myself to cope better with my reactions but I am not strong enough to unravel myself at this moment.

I don't want pills because I tried them and I had a huge negative reaction that nearly ended in hospital admission.
So I'm scared of them now

[bionicnemonic]

Flip a coin for who gets the first film choice. Agree they can both watch that ones choice, then have a break for juice and a quick walk to the shops or playground got an hour then it’s the other ones choice of film. They have to agree to this as you are the parent. Then stay in the room and lay on the sofa just in case it descends into chaos if you leave

[BifsWif]

That’s understandable. Is your daughter in any talking therapy?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, my children fight like cat and dog too. It drives me crazy but I’m told it won’t last forever! Do you have a park or anything near by? Somewhere they can let of steam?

[Ifeelreallylow]

Yes she has had some therapy.

Today is my only day with them.
They got to their fathers tomorrow.
We've come out. It's better for them. But this is my constant feeling at the moment.

I just want to not be anymore. It's not a difficult day. It's a difficult day, week, year.
I just want to disappear.
Everyone would be better off it I just was gone

[bionicnemonic]

No one would be better with you gone.
A sad mummy is a far far better thing than no mummy
Sad mummy can slowly get better and be a fine strong mummy again. But all wounds take time to heal. You need to look after you. You need to be the mummy you know you are. Your whole family need you. Your mum needs you. If you weren’t there she would be in agony.
Please call the Samaritans..they can talk to you
Call them free on
116 123
www.samaritans.org/

[BifsWif]

They wouldn’t be better without you, at all.

Please call the Samaritans like another poster said. Reach out, people care x

[LornaMumsnet]

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

[colouringinagain]

Hi OP I don't mean to hijack but I feel exactly the same today. Lots of awful shit over the last five years and there is no respite. I love my kids but I'm no good to them. Want to sleep and not wake up.

[Ifeelreallylow]

Thank you so much for the replies.

It makes me well up to see such kindness from strangers.

Sorry, for posting in the wrong section. I guess I'm resisting the idea this is a mental health issue.
I've always been so mentally strong. But I feel totally defeated now.
People have always admired my strength and resilience but if I'm honest, really truly honest.
Don't want to write it down.
If I'm honest... I've always struggled but I've hidden it so deep. I've never sought proper help. Except the setraline recently and then the reaction - side effect type reaction - was so horrific. It was the scariest moment of my life.
But so many people depend on me and also... all my abusers would be right. It's all my fault and I'm just mad.

Colouring
Sorry to hear your struggling too.
We can struggle together. Your not alone my love

[BifsWif]

Despite how you feel, you get up every single day for your children. You get through it, for them. That is an incredible achievement when all you want to do is hide away.

I really hope you find peace, and wish you nothing but good things

[colouringinagain]

Thanks Ifeel sounds like you've been strong for a very long time, sometimes that's not sustainable and you need to pause and rest. How has today been?

Like you and like bifs said it's for the kids. Today has been a horrendously painful slog. I have to keep telling myself me going would finish off my fragile dd

[Ifeelreallylow]

Today my 2 were in school/nursery. I came home to sleep but the lift is being refurbished and the drilling in this old poured concrete block just reverberates through the whole building (I live in a North London tower block) so I met a friend for tea instead. Was a better day.
I managed to sweep and mop the floors. And then I cried because those are basic things but I 'managed' to do them and that seems like a much bigger thing then it should be.

I'm sorry today was so painful for you, how old is your dd?

[colouringinagain]

Well done with the cleaning! Glad today was better.

My dd is 13. Also have a ds who's younger.

[colouringinagain]

How are you doing ifeel?

[Ifeelreallylow]

I have slept for much of today. Which I feel bad about as my 3 year old ds was at home and he just happily plays around me.

I put pj masks on for a bit and napped on the sofa. He climbs up and cuddles with me. Drives his cars up and down my side and face. He brings me a book and I read to him.
But I feel bad that he must feel it's a crappy day alone. Cos mummy is napping on the sofa.
I can't get enough sleep. I'm so tired.

How are you colouring?

[colouringinagain]

I know you must be beating yourself up about sleeping a lot, but that sounds ok with your d's, he sounds content. And depression is so exhausting.

If I hadn't had to go to work (Have had a lot of time off recently) I would have stayed in bed. I've eaten loads more crap, I hate how much weight I've put on but I haven't the willpower to stop. It's one of the few pleasures I have

[Ifeelreallylow]

Same, I keep eating.
All the wrong things. Then I berate myself for eating them and whilst I'm not gaining weight I'm not losing it.

I'm thankful I don't have a job at this point in my life.
I would not cope if I had to work too.
As my dc are under 5 I still qualify for Income support. It's a blessing.

I'm sorry your in the same boat. Do you have support?

[colouringinagain]

Two Cadbury's twirls later....
That's good re: work and income support, one less pressure.
I work p/t a pretty undemanding job so it's more of a positive than a negative, but yesterday went sooooo slowly.
I'm off work today because my MIL died in the early hours of this morning so have kept kids home for a day.
Some support, not a lot though.
Hope your day is manageable

[Ifeelreallylow]

What sad news! I am so sorry to hear it.
I hope you are all managing ok.

[colouringinagain]

Thanks. It wasn't a total surprise but bit sooner than expected. I kept the kids off school, don't know if that was the right decision but it's done now. Feel rubbish.

[Ifeelreallylow]

I disappeared. Just couldn't find words to say.

How are you and your family colouring?